Ambiguously Clear

I'm not ready for this.

2009-10-04T03:24:00.003-04:00

I know Justin, or Cory, or someone will find my "new" blog, and should this post be on it, controversy would ensue.

Maybe this is Airbone Toxic Effect. Or maybe this is Sam's Octoberfest. Or maybe this is a reaction to Dollhouse. Or maybe this is hormones. But...I'm crying. For the first real time in nine months, I'm sad. Not only was I a smash tonight, but I was the biggest smash I've been in three years. And all of my time with Chris had prepared me for this evening. I knew how to speak to mom and dad (okay, my love for dogs and psychology definitely helped with mom). I amazed the shit out of Justin, who thinks girl WoW players who have watched Airplane and do watch Clone Wars are awesome. If he said, "I love you," once, he said it twelve times, and followed it with, "can you come over more often?" Mrs. L hugged me three (or was it four?) times. And Cory? There was nine years of longing in this evening. It showed in the anxiety of making me dinner, the entire 37-paged dialogue he wrote (that we read together), and each and every time he touched me.

The point of this rant? Fear. Alex has reminded me that if I want another man in my life, I will find a way to make it happen. I don't know if I can do that.

I lost myself twice tonight. After reading our dialogue (and the fact that I could read it, without serious fear, right there with him), and watching his expressions. The haunting of Chris didn't help (he liked to "watch" me and took pleasure in my pleasure; the "anxiety"), but he was easier to put out of my mind than I thought he would be.

I don't want to sleep, 'cause once I dream, I know it will be of Chris. He haunts me when I think I might like someone else. Really, I wish he wouldn't. I wish he wouldn't be the model by which I compare everyone. It's not fair...to me, to everyone, fuck, even to him.

In any event, I looked upon Cory twice tonight with emotion in my heart. Maybe it's the fact that it took us nine years to get to this point, maybe it's the whole of him, maybe I just wasn't able to be as strong as usual in the specific situation; I don't know. But I know I lost a little bit of my iron will. The fact that any emotion could eke out scares the ever living fuck out of me. Leaving things off as, "we'll talk," was good, 'cause there's no solid next time. We haven't made new hiking plans, or talking plans, or anything. It keeps me at my distance, the only thing I know how to maintain anymore.

But shit, if Liz was right this whole time would I have to invite her?

Let's just pretend I didn't think that. See? I do not want to think that!!!!!!!

Oh, and if I pull any, "what's going on in there?" (a/k/a "what are you thinking?") bullshit ever again, I'm escorting myself to the door, regardless of situation.

Done hiding.

2009-08-25T02:32:00.001-04:00

I'm not hiding anymore, but I'm no longer posting to this site either. You can find me at WordPress these days.

The real "good bye"?

2009-06-05T23:21:00.004-04:00

"Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain"

Screw it.

2009-06-03T02:00:00.002-04:00

So much for my farewell, yeah?

I don't care at the moment who reads this. I've been drinking some wine, and I'm going to write one of my Daily Spark journals.

Task: "What was your most humiliating junior high experience? Write a short, possibly funny, description of it."

I'm not entirely sure I had one humiliating junior high experience that stands out above the rest. I feel like Frost Valley probably ices the cake, if anything. I opted to go on a nature-trip with all of the other honors eighth graders, packing my baggy red jeans and NYR boxers, which, for some reason I wore proudly like a boy. I proceeded to get my period on the trip, and tell just about everyone. Then I refused to participate in most things, got angry at the romances on the trip (Bess & Mark playing frisbee?! WTF?!) and sulked most of the time. I honestly don't remember much about the trip, save for the compost smelled funny and I was at a very awkward age. Our room named our toilet bowls Joan and Jane Flushing. 'Nuff said.

Oh eighth grade, you amuse me.

'Night, kiddies.

all good things must come to an end.

2009-06-01T21:13:00.003-04:00

Dear everyone that reads this,

Those of you that have understood me, and know how I work, and can read everything I've written accurately, thank you. You've made my blogging experience worthwhile.

Those of you that asked me questions when I was difficult to understand, so you could keep my life straight in your head, thank you too. I'm fascinated that you were interested enough in the first place, let alone enough to make a clearer picture.

Those of you that did neither of the above, and simply chose to create drama based on something you neither understood nor knew nothing about, shame on you. I sincerely hope someone creates trouble for you after misunderstanding you and not being intelligent enough to find out any additional information. 'Cause you know what? That's extremely frustrating.

So, to keep the b/s to a minimum, goodbye my favorite blog evar. If you seriously want to read what I have to write/say, you can either become a master of the internets and e-stalk Google until you find me or you can ask me for my new blog information. Otherwise: problem. fucking. solved.

In conclusion:
Alex and I finally did have that talk I had mentioned I wanted to have, and as it turns out, I was pretty off. The only "information" she actually had for me was some hearsay that she classified as such and a lack of opinion/judgment because she doesn't/didn't know MD at all. So all of that "bad people" stuff I had mentioned was, a) the way I talk (I call people "bad people," but don't actually think they're bad; I just like the way that sounds); and b) based solely off of things that are inadmissible because they're either not firsthand or from forever ago. What she wound up telling me was that she had no opinion, because she had nothing to go on, but she would be happy for me regardless of what decision I made, so long as I was happy. That's why she's my friend. Because she's just amazing like that.

What hurts me most in the situation that unfolded because of a passing statement I made that was both fundamentally incorrect and never followed-up on, is that one of the people I love and am finally getting to see more often, got hurt by this. No one thought to ask me what it meant, or why I said it, or if it actually meant anything to me. What I find baffling though, was that after it was written, I didn't change anything. Did I stop talking to or seeing MD? If Alex's opinion was my driving motivation for follow-through, wouldn't I have been like, "aw, fuck this; she don't like him? I'm outtie."? I mean really. Am I that pathetic a person that I would take someone else's opinion and make it mine? I've spent all of my life proud that I don't do that. And what were those words I said less than twenty-four hours ago? "Even if he didn't like you, I don't care. It'd just mean I couldn't talk to him about you." Yeah. That's how I roll.

But instead, I'm spending my Monday evening writing a fucking farewell blog because I can't seem to write down thoughts without someone coming at me with intent to wound. Here's a tip for those people: if you ever want me to disappear, just continue to create drama. I'd much rather drop the people in my life that are involved than I would live with it. I will do everything I can to avoid it, so if you want me to go away, create it, 'cause I will be gone faster than you can finish your next uninformed potential lie.

Lastly: I'm dating MD. I've managed not to use his name, because, well, basically I don't think he'd prefer it coming up in a Google search on him later. But there it is: I'm dating him. Because I want to, and because he wants to date me, and because I enjoy the time I've spent with him thus far. Whatever happens, happens. If I've made it through James, Rob, Chris and Sam, I can make it through fucking anything.

Starting a new blog somewhere else from scratch might be good for me anyway. I can write without bias, knowing nobody I'm dating, have dated or am close (or not so close) friends with will be reading it. Ultimately, I do this for me anyway. So goodbye cruel world. Good luck in all of your endeavors.

the "good days" keep on comin'

2009-05-31T02:42:00.002-04:00

Let's see, I got maybe all of three hours of sleep last night, after taking a three hour nap (through the Yankee game--falling asleep in the second inning and waking up for the post-game wrap up), but I woke up, had some freshly made pancakes (thanks, dad!) and coffee, then spoke with Verizon to see my options for getting off Chris's phone plan (has it been 5 months? whoops?). Lynn chimed in to remind me of a conversation we must have had about joining their plan and making a family one. So after some quick (okay, it took us a little while) calculations, we found it was advantageous for me to join in, with them only paying an extra thirty bucks a month or so. I'm not sure if I'll have to toss them the cash, but thirty is better than the seventy I'd be paying were I to go solo. So, basically, win.

Lynn asked if I would go with her to take the dogs to get their nails cut, so I agreed. Three dogs, two women and one five-year old filed into the truck and went on a nail-cutting adventure. It actually worked out well. I wish I could have held my Casey while she tried to get away from the event, but I was there, so I felt better about that at least.

KJ and I played army for a little while, until it was time for him to gear up for tee-ball team photos. I was getting my things together, but my dad tossed me a coach's shirt to denote I was in, if I wanted to be, on team photos. That made me happy, so I went with. Ten out of the thirteen kids showed up, and it was a pleasure to see them in a non-game environment, despite their still being in their uniforms. Anyways, the team photo itself should be adorable: my dad, myself and ten 5-and-6-year olds. Glorious!

I headed off to work following the photo shoot, where I spent almost two hours filing. This was my plan -- I was coming in just to file. The pile was huge, but I did EOBs first, then alphabatized the rest, then filed everything. I managed to find all but three files. One of them I'm almost certain is out of the office, so in essence, I'm actually only missing two files. This is a much better record than the last time I tried filing, wherein I was missing a ton.

After the work interlude, I came home and napped for a while, trying to catch myself up on the lost sleep of the night before. I stumbled out of bed just before six, showered, cleaned up my clothes and stuff lying around and chatted with mom while I did my hair and makeup. MD picked me up at seven and took me to an Italian restaurant in Babylon, which was quite nice. I feel the spiteful urge to write, "I haven't had good conversation and laughed in a long time," so there it is. But in actuality, I'm not an asshole, and that's not true. Anyways, it still was good conversation and laughs and such. I'm invited to Wildwood in August. I'm supposed to get on a roller coaster. I need to get on getting that tattoo I've always wanted. Aside from these things, if MD seeks to change anything about me, he's done for. But they aren't person-compromising, so I think I'm okay with them ... for now.

After dinner, which included a fabulous desert of a "Bomba" -- chocolate & vanilla gelato with a cherry center covered with a dark chocolate shell -- I stopped home to change into something a little more comfortable and then went to MD's sister's apartment. Both sisters & brother-in-laws (well, one's a to-be, but the other is already) were there. Lisa & Gary came by, which I imagine was kind of because usually MD goes out with them on Saturday nights. We basically all sat around drinking beer, daqueris, or wine and watching True Blood episodes and then Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay. [[Side note: I love you, Neil Patrick Harris.]] We chatted and laughed and just hung out. It wasn't awkward at all, and I couldn't help but think I could settle in there fairly easily.

So it turns out Gary & Lisa are celebrating something of someone's tomorrow at the Beer Garden. They were in the process of inviting MD when my attention was caught, mostly due to the fact that I'll be in Astoria tomorrow afternoon/early evening helping BGM and Rob move. I all but invited myself to the Beer Garden, but I know MD would not only not mind, but would be thrilled were I there. So technically I will probably see him tomorrow. Aside from the little "we haven't really done anything yet" awkward, I'm comfortable with that. I might be too exhausted to stay very long, but I'll at least make an effort. Beer Garden new memories take 2: new relationship memories. Hopefully a person or two from the Astoria gang will be willing to come by with me so someone can actually give me an opinion of the boy and I can prove I have freinds. Heh. I think I scared MD though, by explaining some of the snobby ways of that group. I was embellishing slightly, I think, but I do that in my head anyways.

For now, sleep is beckoning. I'm already thinking about the next few days: Sunday-the move, Beer Garden; Monday-Verizon store with Lynn, work, visiting post-surgery Juliette & maybe making her some dinner; Tuesday-work, then a break? nah, probably seeing MD; Wednesday-work, then treking to the Bronx to go to a Yankee game with Tom; Thursday-aside from work, probably nothing, maybe relaxing; Friday-work, tee-ball, staying at dad's. Whew! I'm tired just thinking about it all!

'Night, kiddies. Here's to getting my move on with six hours of sleep under my belt. Hrm, I wonder if BGM & Rob will let me take a nap in their new pad...

quickie.

2009-05-29T02:47:00.002-04:00

Heh. Quickie.

...anyways, It's like three hours past my bedtime (for tonight, at least), so Im'a make this quick.

- created yet another alt, this time on Deathwing, to play with MD the newb and his sister, soon to be brother-in-law and already brother-in-law. Figured I'd try to make a new shadow priest, but I know that'll get old at some point. I could just PCT the one on CC, but I kinda like playing with Mike, Rob, Jesse and such. Not that I do often, just that I could. And I would make a little "linda-rule" that I would not be on when my nemesis was. Simple as that.

- I'm pretty sure I was going to do something productive tonight, like clean something or finish my book, or look into grad schools, but nah. MD said he was playing so I found the group and joined in. Must've played for, oh, I dunno, three hours. Sheesh. Only level 8. Lamez0rs.

- Tomorrow I'm going to try to get to work at around 8:30 in the morning...which puts me at about 4 hours of sleep. I'm okay with that, mostly because of the three hour nap I took earlier. Whoops. Still loves me some napping.

- Tee-ball too, if it doesn't rain. Supposed to be some scattered thunderstorms. My favorite. (And no, that wasn't sarcasm.) I'm gonna stay at dad's, play some WoW, get on learning the whole Yankee lineup thing, and finish my book. Goals for tomorrow, huzzah.

- I'm also going to try to start using my Daily Spark book for Journal Writing. I bought that thing back when Rob & I lived in BK, and I think I may have even started using it. But it's so long ago, that any record is probably gone anyway. Not to mention my memory is so shot, I probably won't recall what I wrote in the first place.

- Not sure if I actually ever noted this, but I got four As and one A minus this semester. So it's easy to see that my shitty life last semester was the cause of my crappy Bs. I think I might take Mood Disorders again. But I guess that would be in my last semester anyway, 'cause I've got this upcoming one already situated. I'm taking: Natural Disasters, Environmental History, Politics and Society, Psychology of Prejudice and Drugs & the Brain. Know what's funny? I feel like Chris & I would probably be better for each other now than we ever were. S'a shame that ship sailed and it'll never come back 'round. I mean, there are certain things we probably could just never get past, but the more I "find myself," the more I find we'd actually have a lot in common. Heh. Go figure. In any event, I kind of like being the secure one. Not that I expect that to last forever, just that it's adorable to watch someone play the role of "Linda."

- Alright, sleep. Let's do this.

But seriously...

2009-05-27T02:44:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow I go on a date. Like a real one, with a guy I like, that thinks I'm fucking awesome. I tried to tell him I wasn't, but I couldn't even convince myself. I actually don't even know if I'm going on a date. I know we're getting together. I know I met his sisters, and I love them. I know things could go really fast, but I won't let them. I'm scared out of my fucking mind.

Scared of what? Who the hell knows. I make a fool out of myself? ...whatever. I offend him? ...could I really? It doesn't work? ...wouldn't be the first time. So why why why???

Jo thinks this crushing part is the best part, but I don't know. I kind of like the comfortable stuff without the awkward wondering and whatnot. Will I get "you're so great" text messages forever? Probably not, but those die down in any relationship, I think. And if they don't...auto-keeper. <3 affection. <3 you to death.

HAHAHAHAHA

2009-05-27T02:38:00.002-04:00

I just can't help but laugh. See the lead singer in this song? In January, I was enamored by him. In February, I couldn't get him off my back. I just think it's hilarious how much sex changes opinions. My crazy Valentine. Eh, I got roses.

I could tell stories, but I'll spare Mr. Ryan. If he hasn't stolen one (or several) of my songs by now, I think I'll give him permission to play them. So long as it doesn't come with dating!

Starting to see a connection...

2009-05-26T02:21:00.003-04:00

I had a phenomenal weekend. So much so that I'm doing something I seem to do when I get scared. I start going over '07-'09 again. I get sad. I listen to horrible music, like Quote by Evans Blue:

Quote, you are my soul, unquote
Now does that sound familiar?
Kiss the boy and make him feel this way

Quote, well this is me, unquote
You have been so ugly your entire life
So why change now?

Is this how you want to go down?
Right before my eyes
You are the saddest sight I know
You're quiet; you never make a sound
But here inside my mind you are the loudest one I know

Quote, we never talk, unquote
And that's when I don't answer
Don't you dare ask why
Because you don't want to know

Quote, well woe is me, unquote
How different I've become
And no one understands, my dear, no one really cares

And you were right, right from the start
It took everything you had, but you finally broke my...

And now the old things will pass away
I saw your light once
Did you see mine?
But not all things will pass away
You turned your light off
So I turned mine, away from your sadness, away from the nothing that you feel for me

Is this how you want to go down?
Right before my eyes, you are the saddest sight, I know
You're so quiet and you never make a sound
But here inside my mind you are the loudest one, I know
And you were right, right from the start, it took everything you had, but you finally broke my ...

Quote, hey listen 'cause I'll only say this once
I finally found the words
That mean enough to me
Good bye my soul, unquote

I'm starting to think this is some kind of mechanism my brain turns on to create defenses. Last time I did this I had decided I liked SH and wanted to let go of my past bullshit and worry only about the future. Should have made that the present, but better off I didn't, or I'd be just another stupid girl.

Anyway, I'm 116% certain MD is nothing like SH. The things that made SH appealing made him a douchebag. The things that make MD appealing are the things that should. I don't think I'll go into this stuff right now, because part of me is convinced he's found this blog and simply going to sit there and read what I think about him before actually hearing it from me. Then again, the way I work he'll hear it wayyyyyyyyy later, 'cause I'll keep it all safely stored in defensive-land, where my dominating thought is, "I don't even know you." It's a bad sign when you meet a sister or two and immediately think, "don't like her; it'll just be more difficult later." Or, hell, maybe it's a good sign.

Well, he's now aware I have stupid emotional baggage that I'm purging. That's...um...good? Fuck, man, who cares? He stays, he goes, what does it matter? But he gets it. And maybe it's cause of where he is right now, because that would explain everything (I've been there, I know), but regardless of why, I think I'm pretty lucky right now. I should think about that and maybe consider getting some sleep. Stupid naps.

In closing, more Evans Blue:

if it's no ones fault, there's just no one to blame
and nothing to say
this time it's no one's fault, so there's nothing to save
and no one to hate
but I want to so bad...believe me

A "good day."

2009-05-20T00:27:00.002-04:00

Today, albeit a busy day, qualifies as a good one. I was at our Lake Success office at 10:30am and done at 2:30pm. Having forgotten my gigantic local clams and pasta, made for me by my new office manger, I ventured out to Stony Brook to collect my yummy treat. I stopped to work for about two hours, but it was okay, because I got a lot done and I'm prepared for tomorrow. Also, I guess it can also be looked at like I made a bunch of money.

Anyways, I brought my delicious meal home, heated it up and had it for dinner at 7. Then I went to get Mike from the train station and bring him to Liz's to pick up the new member of his & Jenny's family, N00b (which I will not spell without zeros, ever, no matter how incorrect it might be). I drove them back to Astoria and when I went to text Liz that they were home safe & sound, I had a text from Raab, telling me he thought I'd be out (and he had a cookie for me). Since I was but blocks away, I stopped by McGinty's for two (yes, only two) drinks. It was initially a small group of people in honor of Joe's visit, but it quickly dwindled down to Raab, BGM, Ricky and myself, where we shared another drink (the second one), some silly laughs, and good times.

I stopped for street meat before heading home, mostly because the last time I did that, I did not get to enjoy it and had to throw it out the next day. On the trip home, I sought out MD via text. Thought about texting SH too, but I reallllllly don't want to do that. So I asked MD about a hang-out offer I had received from a mutual friend, to see if it sounded like he was asking me on a date, which we agreed. MD said he should tell him to keep his hands off of his kool-aid. A little (girly) party of me went, "eep! he called me his kool-aid!" followed by some weird "it's new, and it's not really anything just yet," emotion. I let it go at that and didn't respond to that particular message, but another one, and we said "good night," and stopped chatting.

I need to talk to Alex. She thinks MD is bad people (or maybe just bad people for me), though I'm not entirely sure that's true. Laying it out (briefly) for Joana, it seems like we have a lot in common. But, for some reason, I'm hesitant. I think it's the "it never friggin' works out" fear, but some of it is, "don't rush shit, Linda." I clearly make that mistake wayyyy too often, and I think he does too. Oh well, maybe it's time I find someone else that does that, so we can be foolish together.

Orrrrr maybe I should shutthefuckup, enjoy life, and stop worrying about stupid boys. Yeah. Yeah, I'll do that.

...but....but he called me his "kool-aid."

Now I must be EXTRA stupid.

2009-05-13T01:37:00.007-04:00

I didn't get uber-angry, or come up with some way to "trick" a response. But I'm a big fan of understanding, and if something goes awry, I want to know why. Even if it's entirely my fault, or even if it isn't something that can be fixed, or even if it makes me feel bad, I still want to know. So I asked. And I offered that answering me would get rid of me faster. And then I poked, but not in a naggy way, in a "duuuuuuude wtf?!" way. And, forgetting I changed my WoW toon name, I said 'hi' in game. Then had to explain who I was. Whoops. No real getting out of that one, so seeing as I was getting a response, I did the "WTF?" thing. I got some answers. Not particularly good ones, but not particularly bad ones. I threw the stupid ball at him, and said, "whatever." The part that kills me was this was in game. I still can't get over that. Anyways, it'll be what it'll be, I guess, even if that's plain ol' nothing. I'm not a huge fan of not having that control to decide if it'll be anything, but I'm not shutting myself off to the rest of the world either. I just...kinda liked him, is all.

In the realm of things that are part of my normal life, tee-ball was exceptionally fun today. It was allllmost rained out again (today was a makeup game). The other team had maybe 6 kids show, while we had about 9 (out of 13). The kids had a "tickle the helmet coach" moment, until I called "tickle break." Kellen was a monster that needed less sugar or a tranq shot or something, but he makes me so happy. Cole cried because I "moved his spot," in the lineup, which was adorable. Every kid loves to bat last and hit a "home run," except Cole, who couldn't understand the concept of 'rotation' and why we were doing it. I wanted to hug him and squeeze him and tell him he could bat anywhere he wanted in the lineup. Of course, when he realized last was, like, a cool spot to be in, he wanted back in. Dad's a little hard him, though, but I liked the way he said, pitching the ball to his son, "swing hard, like you want to kill me." Maybe that's 'cause I'm just a teeny bit screwy in the head.

My dad, on the other hand, complimented my LI song and discussed Tim's comment about adding harmonica & bass. This is a little very weird for me. I feel like Tim should maybe stick around in my life, though I sent him a response explaining that I didn't think we'd be "good" together. He wanted to know why, and the part of me that wants to know why about stuff (see above) answered him, 'cause it was fair to, and I respected that. Anyways, dad wants to mix other stuff into my song, and was really proud of me, and well...that made me happy too. I kinda like my family now.

Oh, and side note? Love achievements; love daily quests; need intervention.

What am I, stupid?

2009-05-11T22:28:00.011-04:00

I let you "have a chance." For what?

I let you know everything I was afraid of.

I let you see how silly and how crazy I really am.

I lied to one of my absolute best friends, because you convinced me it was a good idea. Now we're not even speaking, and I don't know how to fix it, or what exactly is broken. But I know he'd make me forget about you.

I actually cared. This is new. I haven't given a shit about anything in five months.

And what'd you do? The same thing you said you wouldn't; the same thing that is your "nature." But I knew all along, I just didn't want to believe it. As soon as this is cleared from my system: never fucking again. (Not that I'm never fucking again, just that I will never get this involved with anyone. Ever.)

Everyone told you not to do that to me; I'm a good girl. But since when have you listened to anyone, really.

Do I need to find a new WoW guild? Can I just leave you on 'ignore'? Can I ever LARP again? No need to worry about gchat; you're successfully avoiding that well enough for both of us.

Today's funny dictionary word is "naive." I feel like the universe is laughing at me.

"I look at the ground
and give the sky the middle finger.
Something inside said
'Here's a day you should remember,
so mark it on a wall.'

I never believed it could happen to me;
something like this only happens to dumb girls;
taking themselves too seriously;
I was so damn smart,
I was the one girl
who never believed it could happen to me.
Something like this only happens to somebody else."

-Dumb Girls, by Lucy Woodward

all over the place.

2009-05-09T19:36:00.002-04:00

Here's another one of those random blogs.

- Wanted to take a Positive Psych summer course online, but really don't want to give up my summer. So I'm not.

- Poof-be-gone situation #2. So much for the "begging for a chance" of February/March. Fuck men.

- An ex is fucking a friend. They knew each other before he & I or she & I had met, but still. The ex is no longer my friend now. Especially after the gossip bullshit came out last night drinking with a friend that was my BFF in high school, and now works with the ex.

- I don't feel like being around people anymore. Selfish, nasty creatures. Right now I'd like to put three or four of them into a flesh-barrel and set it on fucking fire. So douchebags and weasels and liars can burn eternal.

- Now to return to my regularly scheduled beating-the-fuck-out-of things on my computer. Today, Blizzard, you can be my friend.

some super positive happy shit.

2009-05-04T22:17:00.006-04:00

Holy hell, temporary insanity. I started today on kind of the same path as last night, but work turned it around. I was forced to do things with people I don't hate. For once, work was welcome. And mind you this is immediately after getting a call from Gucci.com to ask me for more information about my order...if you know me at all, you'd know I definitely didn't order anything from Gucci.com. So evidently my credit card information was snatched from the interwebs at some point. I immediately called AmEx. Nothing was charged to the card (yet), but 700-something dollars was pending authorization. So if and when I see that/those charge(s) pop up, I can call and report fraudulent activity. Lighting up a stress-relief cancer stick, I thought, rather ironically, Shit. Could it actually get worse?!

And it didn't. It didn't necessarily get better either, but it leveled itself out. There was work. And school. And both of those leave little room for crazy thoughts. Fortunately, we did some meditation practice in Buddhism. I wish I could list all of the things I brought to mind when instructed to focus on 'anger.' But I think people pretty much know what has pissed me off, so there's no real need to list anyway (plus, who wants to leave incriminating evidence?). The meditation was definitely relaxing enough to calm me down some. It didn't make me happy, as it was supposed to, but that was because I couldn't come up with the "happiest moment of my life." I came up with some happy times, which were as intricate as sleeping under my grandmother's arm during thunderstorms when I was younger or as general as petting a puppy, but nothing that stood out above the rest. Slightly disappointed, I polled a few friends. Two out of five answered, which made me feel a little better because the other three were like, "damn, I don't know." So I'm not the only one. But I should really start thinking about that. And meditating. Who knows; maybe it'll help.

Anyways, I'm stalling writing my Buddhism paper and writing out some answers to my Ecology study questions. There's only 100 of those to get done by Sunday. Final's next Wednesday, too. Looks like it's going to be a busy two weeks.

...good.

No, really. I came mostly out of my funk. I'm back to defending myself the best way I know how--completely crushing any feelings that come up. Aside from this weekend, it's worked really well. I keep to myself, always keep busy, and stop stalking. Once I get those down, whatever happens, happens. No matter who fucking likes it or not.

reflections of a crappy-ass weekend.

2009-05-04T01:34:00.003-04:00

Friday I can't talk much about, but I can say the Blue October concert was fucking phenomenal. I love those guys so much, especially live. As for the rest of the night, it went downhill. I got emotionally nostalgic and then in almost a lot of trouble. I played the "get out of jail free" card, to its most literal extent, and have not been the same since. Aside from shame and embarrassment, I am disappointed in myself. For the past few months I was doing what I thought was quite awesome, and then it took a turn and I feel like I'm damaging myself. And I can't tell what came first: the turn or the boy.

In any event, my Saturday was changed due to my Friday night, but I did manage to have a pretty good lunch with Chris (this is a whole 'nother Chris; there are like 9 in my life), who came to my rescue (the second time--to give me a ride). I was also run through an instance by Rob and Sam, but that doesn't make WoW matters any better; I still can't do the shit myself. But whatevs, I leveled my undead whore to 68 and made it to Nagrand. I still don't feel like she's mine, you know? I played 63 levels on fucking 'follow' for the most part, and only now am I trying to figure out what the hell the game is even about. It looks to me like a time-killer, but lately...well, I've been so down, killing time works. I won't get into the other shit I had to mentally deal with last night 'cause it already put me over the top of my stress-limit today. In short, I'm a hot topic of conversation. But I'm pretty sure I set the need for that aside today, and for all the wrong reasons this time.

Today I did the MS Walk, for which I raised $750. Rena was supposed to come with me, but she went to a bachelorette party last night and did not get up in time. I forgot to expect her not to come, but fortunately I'd done it often enough in my past, that I was fine. I think being emotionally fucked-up from everything made my apathy all the stronger. In any event, what made me most happy about the entire event were the dogs. I chose Belmont Lake because they were hosting the "Pooch Parade" and I knew that meant there would be some 30-odd dogs at least. There were. I pet lots o'puppies.

And I walked. I walked in front because I guess I'm kind of an impatient walker. I have a faster default pace than most, I think. I don't know if it's a city-related thing, or I'm just that impatient a person. It rained, the entire time. I started out with a raincoat on, hood up, but after loitering before the actual walking part for a while, I opted to just let the rain fall on me. Halfway through the walk itself, I took the raincoat off. I was wearing a long-sleeved shirt with a t-shirt over that and a sweatshirt over that. I'm not entirely sure why I dressed for the tundra, but at least I could shed layers, and that made the rain kind of refreshing.

At 10:30 or so, the walk was over. Mind you, it began at 10. I had only begun my inner reflections around the last bend or so of the trail, so without much thought, I shed another layer, geared back up, and went for two. As I walked again, I wondered why I opted to do it. Did I feel like one "lap" was cheating? Then I thought back to an episode of House wherein Wilson goes for a walk in the bitter cold without a jacket. House figures he's either lost his mind and actually forgotten the coat, or he was punishing himself. So I thought maybe that's what I was doing.

Punishing myself for what, you might ask? Not having enough self-respect, mostly. For playing a game the deep, inner workings of my soul knows I can't win, but still playing anyway. Maybe that's why my brain lost control and I've felt like a crazy woman for days. Referring back to my setting aside the need for conversation, well, I started to slowly stand up for myself. I semi half took it back, but the damage is done. I am officially back to insane. And the only way to cut the crap is to cut the apron strings. As referenced by my prior incredibly brief blog post, everyone wins. Except me, but I did that to myself. Regardless, walking two laps, in the rain, without warm clothes didn't punish me enough. I spent the remainder of today doing that mentally, and tossing around the remainder of events from the weekend.

I hope I can snap out of this at some point, 'cause I'm not sure I know how to live like this for very long. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I'm not hungry, I'm not thirsty; I just want to sleep and turn my brain off. As a matter of fact, I didn't do my paper (due Wednesday) so I don't even think I can get better than a B in Buddhism. Although the B wouldn't kill me, I should still write the stupid paper. I took books out of the library and all. And seeing as there's still two evenings to write it...

If I could only come up with the motivation. I'm utterly pathetic right now. And what's worse is knowing it is magnifying it. Fuck, I sure hope I come out with some super positive happy shit tomorrow or something.

everyone wins.

2009-05-03T20:36:00.002-04:00

New plan: I date no one. I sleep with no one. There. Now not a single person can have a problem. No real sense in hoping for a "chance" either, 'cause there are none.

Everyone wins...'cept me, I guess. But what I was doing to myself wasn't healthy anyway. I'm much more sane when I'm alone. I think I'll take the loneliness over the fucking crazy.

concession...out of desire or being wounded?

2009-04-30T13:00:00.005-04:00

I'm going to start changing names to protect innocent people. For this story, I'm "seeing" James and am being e-mailed by Paul.

Brief background on Paul: We hooked up a few months ago, for a very short period of time. He's still very hung up on an ex of over a year ago. His career goals are a little out of the realm of probable. I stopped seeing him because...well...he was a little clingy. Or maybe the word is controlling. I don't know; a combination of the two, I suppose.

I get an e-mail from Paul the other night, asking how I've been. I give the short story: school, work, family, and politely ask how he's been. His response entailed a request for a date when school is out. My first thought? Let's see where James stands on "us." 'Nowhere' is clearly the answer. The word "relationship" scares him. That's fair; we haven't really spoken to/been seeing each other very long. But in meeting him I realized I didn't really want to be involved with Paul.

So if I agree to this date--am I doing it because I really want to? Or because I'm just a little bit hurt by James's pseudo-denial? Am I subconsciously lowering my standards, or just my self-esteem? Is Paul a pick-me-up, because I know he'll be enamored by me?

I suppose I'm going to have to give him an answer soon. There's nothing "stopping" me from going, so I probably should just go. It's a date, not a marriage proposal. I'm just not a huge fan of dating because it presents itself; I'm a fan of dating because I am actually interested in pursuing something. And I don't think I am, with Paul. Of course, I am interested in such with James. Ah, well, I just keep telling myself there'll be other Jameses.

That might be my answer right there. And anything less than the truth is lying.

subjective opinions.

2009-04-30T10:33:00.002-04:00

Unless you read an automotive journal, Consumer Reports, or have worked on automobiles long enough to be able to take them apart and accurately comment on what's going on "under the hood," how often should you be using the words, "X is better than Y"? I've had five cars thus far in my lifetime: a 1987 Dodge Charger (not the cool one; the one that looked like a Plymouth Duster), a 1989 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme, a 1997 Chevrolet Cavalier, a 1997 Volkswagon Cabrio Highline and my current 2007 Ford Focus. I have had problems with each and every one of these babies, and rightfully so--cars fall apart, ultimately. Aside from hearing from some unknowledgeable teenage asshole about how "plastic" the Cavalier is versus the "strong, metal" Cutlass, what information do I have as to the durability of these cars?

The answer is none. I would be basing anything I had to say on my particular experience. It would be biased, and it would be inaccurate. Yet I see this happen all the time. I am constantly in contact with people who think they are automobile connosoirs, and only twice have I ever spoken to someone who's built a car, or taken an engine apart.

Eh, I suppose I'm being snobby and cranky. I've been awake about fifteen minutes, so I suppose the sleepy has something to do with it as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is stop making comparative judgements based on absolutely no scientific information! At least all I can see that comes from it is an aura of ignorance. Who wants that, really?

for all the right reasons.

2009-04-28T21:18:00.003-04:00

I was going to write an "in yo face" blog about all the good things I have in my life, and comment on how weak and stupid my dream blog was, but...well..."I don't want to be that guy anymore." Writing some "I'm better than you" public information is cheating. No, it's vain. Vain and immature. Two things I have had trouble escaping. So here's an additional effort to do so. I am two weeks away from summer and things are surprisingly good; no need to try to make myself feel like a level competitor. I'm finally starting to feel like I don't need to do that. Which is kind of amusing really--I win; know why? 'Cause I don't care about winning.

Wait, don't get me wrong here: writing about the good goings-on is wonderful--encouraging, even--but doing it as a reaction, or in a boastful way, that's where things get screwy.

Anyway, onto other stuff... in about 4 minutes I'm going to force myself to sit down and write my Long, Strong Island paper. You know, the one that accompanies the song, so that I can get that A. I played the song for the class yesterday evening. At least 60-70 people sat and stared as I capo'ed the second fret of my pretty new blonde baby, played G/C/D Am/D G/D/G/C/D/G over and over and sang what seemed to me to be lyrics that would never make the cut. My teacher spent the five minutes following my perfomance praising me and making the class aware of specific lyrics. In short, I was a hit. Being such put me on a high horse for the remainder of the evening too. I think I drank 4 "celebratory" beers, played some WoW with Mike, talked to the two people closest to me atm, put on the new Depeche Mode album and danced and laughed all night. Holding Buddhism class outside on the lawn (and getting hit on by some 20-year old cutie) definitely helped the rising spirits too, but they were before I even played the song. ;) Okay, maybe it was wearing that dress too. I can't help but think about Chris telling me I looked good in it as I strolled down Clyde Street the day he signed the lease on his apartment. I think that picks me up an extra confidence point or two.

So the best few days I've had in a long time were Saturday-Tuesday. I'm still not out of the scared-out-of-my-mind woods yet, as my trust is still at a dangerously low level, but I'm workin' on it, and I'm determined. 'Cause no matter what happens ultimately, I get something good out of everything I do. Unfortunately, I can sometimes see what I'm going to get from someone way early in a friendship/relationship/interaction; I just hope in knowing what that is, it doesn't coincide with a forseen "end." Then again, what did I just finish saying? Even if a relationship of any kind ends, I still get something from it. So it shouldn't really matter, should it?

The answer is 'no.' But I'm still not a fan of "ends"!

Inspired by Ms. Cipriani

2009-04-27T21:54:00.003-04:00

A year ago I was writing blogs about how I was proud I didn't have a "Wednesday" fight, and I was driving past Rob's house on Sunday nights. I "hoped Chris never resents me for changing him." I wondered if getting upset to a lesser degree, but always on the same days was progress. I wanted to "burn down Blizzards HQ and subsequent offices."

...I'd go back farther, but I don't really want to know that I was unhappy even before then.

What did I do?

Oh, and also, today? Knock me down. I fucking dare you. IMPOSSIBLE!

all's well that ends well

2009-04-25T18:22:00.007-04:00

...or so they say. I have an awesome day with Ryan, filled with coffee, cigarettes, a five hour long psychology conference and an arboretum walk. Then I get home and nap, wherein I dream about Chris. The Fuck?

I dream about the same three people, over and over. Two less than the third. Am I really still "getting over it?" I guess so, or I probably wouldn't be wondering who joined along in the Rego Park walking adventure.

Okay, yes, I'm still sleepy, and hurt, dream fresh in my mind. I don't remember details, save for there being little kids around while we rode in the back of an SUV with them and Roz. I'm pretty sure she had just...had two more kids, or something. We were all very family-esque and on our way "home" -- for them, I think. Getting everything out of the car, I was looking around for one of the kid's toys, and Chris shook it from outside of the SUV. "Is that you telling me you already grabbed it?" I ask. He nods. I smile. Something else quite similar occurs in the same setting, and shutting the door, I remark, "I missed you."

Do I? I don't know. I mean, I'm sure the dream came up because I was talking to Ryan about getting off of this island [for graduate school] and how I had more "tying me down" when I was with Chris. I may or may not have also mentioned the words, "I almost broke up with you right then," regarding my smoking. But the content of the dream was kind of painful and unnecessary. I have this weird belief that dreams let us live out what we refuse to acknowledge and deal with consciously. Not all the time of course -- my love for burritos versus their appearance in my dream content is definition not proportional -- but with some of the really emotional stuff. So that makes me wonder: do I miss him more than I am willing to let on? No, but mostly out of spite because he doesn't miss me. And yes, because, in a twisted way, he spoiled me. I couldn't fit into his standards, and now I'm afraid no one will ever fit in mine.

I've dropped the WoW thing. I've recently come to realize (better late than never?) boys will be boys. It's only really a problem when you're not willing to put the computer down and go outside, or go be social. Which brings me to my second point: being social. If I had only known being social had as many negative points as it does positive. Sure, it's good for networking. It's also phenomenal to up your interpersonal skills. However, content is ridiculously important. I am definitely holding out for someone that can hold an intellectual conversation and not need it to be a debate/argument. I believe that possibility exists; I've totally seen it.

On somewhat more of an aside, I'm not really thrilled with the basis for any relationship being "so will I see you this week?" Thank you for the compliment, and I have needs too, but what exactly do I do with something that won't go anywhere? It just takes me farther from the thing I love most: love. Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly sad about it (or would my dream beg to differ?), I just miss it sometimes, even if it was a lie...though it didn't feel like one. With the addition of "intelligent conversation" to my long list of necessary attributes (don't worry, "affection" is atop the list), the likelihood I'll ever find someone that's more than just something to do gets even smaller. Amendment 4/26/09: or does it?

Anyways, I'm wayyyy off track. So, yeah, in a way I miss Chris. But as I once wrote,
"It's the wrong way; it's the long way
but I guess it's okay
as long as someday I get home."

Long Island: an advertisement (the video)

2009-04-21T22:55:00.003-04:00

Well, folks, here it is. Original lyrics in the post below.

Long Island: an advertisement

2009-04-20T23:36:00.009-04:00

"Long, Strong Island" by L. Kudla (c) 2009

In the 18th century, G-Dubbs needed a hand
The British came around and tried to take all of our land
But out near Setauket, with laundry lines and Culper spies
We made our own plan

they couldn't take the heat
we got those Brits to retreat.

From our long, strong island
away from our long, strong island
so change at Jamaica for the train to Port Jefferson.

Cold Spring Harbor was a major whaling hub of the day
For three years at a time our men were carried away
Instead of coping, some wives would go, they might cook or sew
it was just the life they made.

They had to find some nice big kills
so they could pay the bills

And live on this long, strong island
afford this long, strong island
so change at Jamaica for the train to Oyster Bay.

If you want to get around and you have a car
without Mr. Moses you wouldn't get very far
From bridges to tunnels to our native parks, closed after dark
he helped lay down the tar

Some laws he may have breached
but he gave us all Jones Beach

And made this long, strong island
he helped make this long, strong island
so change at Jamaica for the train to Babylon.

With the growth of suburbia and recreation on the rise
A house out east was just part of the prize
Hard work in the city, paid off in fun out in the Hamptons
it was their status symbolized

Wouldn't need to take the train
'cause you'd have your own airplane

To get to this long, strong island
to and from this long, strong island
So change at Jamaica for the train to Montauk.

If you want to come and visit there's some sights you might see
Old Bethpage Restoration or perhaps a winery
there's just so much to do: come see the Big Duck, or the Long Island Ducks
We're full of history.

Out on our long, strong island
yes it's our long, strong island.
You can change at Jamaica for the train to Penn Station
Yes, you can change at Jamaica for the train to Penn Station.

SIDE NOTE!

2009-04-19T19:22:00.004-04:00

Taken from just another chick-flick, The Holiday:

"Why am I attracted to a person I know isn't good?"

"I happen to know the answer to this. Because you are hoping you are wrong, and every time she does something that tells you she is no good, you ignore it; and every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself that she's not for you."

"Exactly. And on the top of that, there is an old standby: I cannot believe a girl like that would be with a guy like me."

I guess I understand that a little better now. And not only can I see it the driving force of several relationships I know of, I think it also defined my last one as well as whateverthefuck I'm doing now (only the inverse). That's mildly depressing.

Life = good.

2009-04-19T13:49:00.005-04:00

I accidentally slept through Friday night, but that's okay, because I think I may have caught up on the whole sleep deprivation thing.

Saturday, I ran around like a crazy woman:
- went to our LS office for an hour & showed my receptionist how to do something billing-related, then hung out with two patients in the waiting room for an hour.
- came home and read for school in the sun for an hour.
- haircut w/ Tracy (the best!) who actually knows how to thin hair, unlike the last girl I saw at LT -- now I don't have to poke at Chris to get back into Bb., or pay $150 bucks for a haircut.
- came back home and did a little more homework, then was accompanied by my 11-year old neighbor, Des, to play with my keyboard while I cleaned my room up and swept and swiffered the floor.
- headed out to dad's with a friend for his bar/cocktail party. Cousin Scott & family came. One other friend of mine came. Still good with dad & Lynn's friends/co-workers and some family and some friends.
- got home 'round 11, had a "good night," passed out.

Today is proving to be nice and relaxing, save for the homework I have planned. Played a lil' WoW for an hour or two (finally got an updated TomTom mod and fixed my bars). For the last hour or so, I've just been bullshitting with the neighbors who have been doing work in my kitchen.

I'll have to start writing my song and paper for LI History at some point soon. But first, I think I'll just do my RA work and code for an hour or two. Then again, with all of these people here, I'm not entirely sure I could concentrate. I've been typing this for probably an hour, and you can see how long it isn't. Maybe I'll log back onto WoW for another hour or so. ;)

w00t. good times.

Strong enough.

2009-04-17T03:32:00.002-04:00

I just needed a quick reminder [to myself] that I am a strong person. I'm too empathetic sometimes. I'm too apathetic in others. I'm selfish too. Not always; I've gotten much better at that. But sometimes I don't do the right thing because the consequence of it might negatively affect me.

I'm not sure how I feel about this stuff. I am fairly grounded in my morals, but the ones that straddle the line are shruggable. Some days I feel like doing something about them, other days it's "totally cool, totally cool, totally cool....seriously."

I have no idea what my brain is doing tonight. It worked hard, it napped, it studied and then it went into super-empath mode, had serious conversation(s), went through denial and then finally got tired and made me sad. Now I'm just stuck in "I should really be sleeping + I have a quiz in 5 hours + I need better willpower."

Gah! Willpower, WTF?! Some days > all the shit that happens, some days < everything, ever.

Back to Good

2009-04-15T23:56:00.004-04:00

Blue October may always be able to pick me up (oh, the irony!) with that song Jump Rope. Screw those guys. They put a "life's gonna suck sometimes" song immediately following an "omg will it ever stop hurting?" one. So for all the emo I manage to eke out of track 8, track 9 always goes, "but you'll be all right." Fucking optimism. ;)

Yeah, so, the cryptic stuff subsided (slowly) last night. I spent like 627,244,071 hours on the phone, which was...weird, but welcome. I forgot I could talk that long in one sitting. I really haven't spent that much time on one phone call since...I guess since I used to gab Chris's ear off. I mean, Joana and I have some long talks, as have Mike and I, and Juliette and I definitely spend entirely too long on the phone, but I thought I had managed to vow never to bore someone to sleep again. Ah, well, I won't. As much as I love the chatty chat (with people I actually want to talk to), that was a little much, even for me. I imagine it's mostly me, 'cause you know what they say (or, at least, the Punch an' Pie people say it), "two situations, same deal...only one thing in common...you." I can be perfectly happy with random half-hour conversations; the kind with back-and-forth but a know-when-to-call-it-quits air to it. S'funny, so long as I shrug everything off, it's all still grand. More irony.

Anyways, I'm pretty sure Situation A didn't actually fuck up B. My brain is kind of responsible for that. Considering how open-minded I've been about things I never was before, I have more hope than I like to let on. And again, C isn't actually a problem.

In other news, I got a Coach bag today. I feel Long Island is trying to assimilate me. First, Mike points out last weekend at the Beer Garden that a Victoria's Secret has clearly attacked my feet. Unfortunately, I had no idea my bright pink toes were some kind of fashion faux pas. For Long Island, they're certainly not. Then today, Janine buys me a Coach bag because I'd commented that everyone seems to have one, and I never have. Granted, she got it for me because she appreciates how fucking awesome I am (have I mentioned that lately?), but I think I'm being taken alive. I won't have it. Long Island, you get away from me! I took a history class on you to see if you were cool, but you're really not. You're glacial runoff that wants credit for freeing slaves seventy years before everyone else. You're like that creepy guy in the corner of the bar. (James, I think his name is.) Somehow that stupid bag, immediately full of my belongings, still gets top bag priority. ::shakes fist::

So I should probably be writing my history project, which is a song on Long Island. (GO AWAY!) I'll post lyrics if and when I finally write it. Of course, if I don't, I basically fail that class. It would get me back that way, wouldn't it? Long Island, you fickle bitch, you.

Great place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.

2009-04-14T23:45:00.005-04:00

I'm not entirely sure why I continue to be cryptic. Recent events have made it too clear that this whole Buddhism concept is entirely too true: everything is empty of inherent essence, and all things depend on both the potential to come into being and all other processes. What that means in English? Shit that happens influences all the other shit that happens.

I have so many thoughts. But censorship leaves them either in a WordMac doc or floating around in my brainspace. I can't say super mean things about Situation A, but I'm in the mood to. I can't say confused, disappointed things about Situation B, and I don't even know why not anymore. I can't say anything about Situation C, because for the love of God there will never really be a Situation C (although I suppose the potential exists provided I put myself in the proper context for it).

Let the crypic attempt at leaving myself something to get out the crazy thoughts and provide enough to remember what the fuck I was talking about in the first place (the hardest part) begin:

Situation A:
I'm thinking both

"Sometimes I feel like weeping; awaken when I'm sleeping; perfecting how to put a game face on."

and

"Fuck you...and your untouchable face. Fuck you...for existing in the first place. Who am I to be vying for your touch? Who am I...I bet you can't even tell me that much."

Situation B:
I'm incredibly torn between

"I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours. I pray to be only yours. I know now you're my only hope."

and

"Go and tell your white knight that he's handsome in hindsight, but I don't want the next best thing."

Situation C:
"One question haunts and hurts. Too much, too much to mention: Was I really seeking good or just seeking attention? Is that all good deeds are when looked at with an ice-cold eye? If that's all good deeds are, maybe that's the reason why no good deed goes unpunished."

Synopsis:
Dear Situation A: You've completely fucked up Situation B.
Dear Situation B: WTF with Situation C?
Dear Situation C: Neither Situation A nor Situation B even exist. It's all a dream.

I think I've lost my mind. I may in fact write a long-ass WordMac doc using actual names and information. Kinda wish I wrote a robot blog sometimes. But robots sort of suck.

Blue October comes through again!

2009-04-09T23:48:00.004-04:00

Dear January 2007-December 2009,
Blue October wrote a song for us. It's called "Been Down" and on their new album titled "Approaching Normal." Life is funny that way sometimes.

I dreamt you seduced me just to walk away.
I dreamt you inspired then rewired what I say.
I dreamt you spread your bottom wings and pulled me to the bed,
but then I woke up feeling nauseous;
you danced around my head.
Tell me:

How long, how long have I been down
How long, how long have I been down
How long, how long have I been down
Down
Down

I dreamt you burned my fingers.
Yes, an automatic sting.
I dreamt you called me beautiful then asked to hear me sing.
I dreamt your scent invited me to crawl within your space,
but then I woke up feeling nauseous;
you danced around my face.
Tell me:

How long, how long have you been down
How long, how long have you been down
How long, how long have you been down
Down
Down

Then why can't we work, when we both try;
We try, we try, we try, we try.
Why can't this work, when we've both tried?
Why can't it work, when we both try;
We try, we try, we try.
How we've tried.
And how we tried.

I mean to sympathize,
I mean to be a friend.
I know apologizing won't erase the end;
But I've learned that moving on is where I must begin.
'Cause when our colors mixed
we couldn't fix the way they wouldn't blend.
So tell me:

How long, how long have we been down
How long, how long have we been down
How long, how long have we been down
Down
Down

And I wish that only greatness follow you around.
I hope to god you find a way to keep from down.
And when you do I hope you share it all with me;
please try to understand.
Yeah to understand... me.
Just try to understand me.
Yeah, understand me.

Yep. That about sums up everything I felt for at least the last 4 months of those two years.

Telescope

2009-04-01T00:06:00.001-04:00

by Graham Colton

Up here alone in this room
Watching you come into view
Off in the distance where I want you to stay
Can't get you out of my mind
I'm tired of passing the time
I've got your picture and all I can do is try to look away

You disappear in the crowd
I scream but don't make a sound
I never know when you might come back again
So close but don't let me in
You still get under my skin, and it's showing
And all I can do is try to look away

You're in my telescope
You don't wanna get too close
It's easy to stay where you feel safe
You circle around at night and shine like a satellite
It's easier when you're far away

Miss Independent (a/k/a "note to self")

2009-03-31T01:27:00.002-04:00

Briefly, as I need to get back to studying:

Things to remember:
1. I am fucking awesome.
2. Guys make me insecure. This is ridiculous. Stop it.
3. No matter how much I think I suddenly need someone to complete my existence, I actually love the feeling I get being by myself. Independence is a natural high.
4. If I could just carry these thoughts with me as the prominent ones at all times, I would stop with #2 much more easily.
5. Best friends have a lot of the answers.
6. Communication FTW. Tested and confirmed tonight.
7. WHO CARES?!

No Worries

2009-03-29T13:11:00.005-04:00

"You shouldn't worry about everything so much," I was told. It's true; I shouldn't. But I suppose that's still who I am. I'm still going to tell myself good things only last for a little while. I'm still going to do everything in my power to keep myself distracted.

My mother always said I needed to find someone that would keep me "in check," so to speak. Not like Rob who would do anything I said, ever. Not like Chris who just trusted me to make good choices -- though I have to admit that was the least stressful aspect of that relationship. The one person I'm pretty sure I could never date, though, is me. So if I should happen to find someone who is like me, and is so painfully honest that they actually say all of the fucked-up things that go through my head, I don't think they'd ever have my trust.

People can change, I've heard. And in my own defense I have changed drastically over the past few years. However, I have not been able to change this one specific aspect of my being. I'd like to think next time around will be different. I sincerely hope it is. But first, there has to be a next time, and second, I have to want to change it. So I've got the second part down, but no matter how much I want it, sometimes its a defensive thing. I'm not saying that makes it right, I'm just saying it makes it more difficult for me to want.

Know what's a good idea? I'm not going to worry about it. I'm going to go do ten hours worth of homework. ...okay, fine. Six hours worth of homework, two hours worth of fucking around on the internets/chatting, and two hours of warcraft. At least that's closer to accurate. Maybe I'll have some lunch, too.

Oh, and also? The new Guy Ritchie move = awesome.

bad day

2009-03-27T00:39:00.002-04:00

I don't often have these super-shitty days, but unfortunately today was one of them. Now I'm sitting here wondering who to turn to to alleviate some of the anxiety. Two people immediately come to mind, but it is neither of their jobs to cheer me up. Also, one's in bed and the other would only half pay attention. Have I mentioned yet in this lifetime how much I despise the 30-second lapse between the last thing I said and the generic response conjured as a result of the ability of short-term memory to hold onto the last few words uttered? 'Cause 'loathe' is the word that comes to mind to describe that hatred. I'd sooner never talk on the phone than have to deal with that on any kind of repeated basis.

Anyway, I'm trying not to sit here and make a list of things that suck atm, because it annoys me when other people do it -- it's a pity-me compilation and complete negativity. I may be negative right now, but I refuse to let everything get me down.

I don't think I believe in "nets" anymore, though. I mean, I guess I do. It's kind of like what Mike does when he makes you agree to the friendship contract (or was that just me?). So, considering the contract, I guess Mike is my net. And if I called him right now and asked him not to make me feel worse by telling me how hard I'm being on myself, he'd listen, and regardless of what he'd actually want to say, he'd give me whatever I need.

And Joana would listen too. But I feel too horrible not being able to tell her if I can see her this weekend. My priorities are fucked up, and I don't know how to catch myself up and get them in the right order all in the same weekend. I just feel very weak. I'd like to say that someone to lean on would help, but I've come to learn that's not the way it works. That's how I get an expectation that can't be fulfilled. The only one who can save me right now is me. And unfortunately, I'm about to go outside and speed up my death.

"Confidence."

2009-03-26T02:50:00.002-04:00

Forgive me if I stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
'Cause I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a waterbed
Do I seem familiar?
I've crossed you in hallways a thousand times.
No more camouflage; I want to be exposed and not be afraid to fall

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
Cannonball into the water
I'm gonna muster up every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will.
You only want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will.

-excerpt, Teddy Geiger, "Confidence"

country music is bad for the soul.

2009-03-19T23:28:00.002-04:00

I threw Launchcast on "Soft Country" and caught Taylor Swift's "White Horse." I'm just sitting here busting ass to completely conquer ANOVAs, when the following catches my attention:

(excerpt)
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause
I honestly believed in you
Holdin' on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should have known, I should have known

That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

Maybe I was naïve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
My mistake, I didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand.
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings;
Now I know

Jeezy Creezy country music is depressing.

Mistakes or attraction?

2009-03-19T01:09:00.002-04:00

Why do I always seem to like the WoW-loving anger management issue people? Am I afraid to branch out or am I seriously attracted to that?!?!?!

Just a thought.

(Un)Comfortably Dependent

2009-03-18T00:49:00.004-04:00

My "Gone" post made me incredibly uncomfortable. I know this is going to come out all crypic and whatnot, but what makes that little switch go from "could totally give a fuck" to "omg pay attention to meeeeeee!"? No, seriously. I tried to blame PMS, but I'm not entirely sure I even can. What's the difference between yesterday and today? NOTHING. Oh wait- yes, there was a small break where I wasn't the center of the fucking universe. Oh. My. God. Linda. Get the hell over yourself.

Funny, Chris said that lotsa times, I was just too ignorant to even care. Ah, well. Who's the wiser? Me. 'Cause I'm paying fucking attention now.

Joana is right (which is evident because she gets her best advice from me-heh), and I'm glad she made me open my mouth. I will not be needy and annoying ever again. You hear that, universe? EVAR! So bug off.

Ironically, I was told to "be myself" tonight. I still can't get past the fact that I found "myself" (again?) so goddamn recently. But hell, if I'm better for it, then fuck man, I'm better.

Gone.

2009-03-17T22:24:00.002-04:00

Excerpt.

Gone people
All careless and consumed
Gone
Gone going
Gone everything
Gone give a damn
Gone be the birds if they don’t want to sing
Gone people
All awkward with their things
Gone.

better sooner rather than later.

random.

2009-03-11T00:20:00.004-04:00

Feelings on life ATM...

Busy. oh god, yes, busy. Buddhism. Mahayana Buddhism. A paper on Mahayana Buddhism. About emptiness. Everything is empty, including emptiness. Has this brought me down? Can it? It's supposed to be enlightening. We are part of interdependent processes. Just when I thought I was okay at independence.

History. War history. Immigration history. Whaling history. This should be interesting right? Why is this my minor? It's just boring. I don't want it to be boring.

Ryan. Drunk Ryan. Drunk Ryan text messages compounding a Sam and Tim infested day.

I don't mind Sam, but I should. For all the right reasons. Shady. But smart. Funny. Open. Real. Pretty eyes. (Should LARPer sway me?)

Tim...pretty blue eyes. Creepy, though? I still can't tell, but I can tell I don't want to date him. Is that fair? Am I being unfair? Does that matter?
...promised some tea. Won't buy me dinner, just tea. But bought roses. Trade-off? Again, does it matter?

Work. Lake Success...MY office. Sharing my office with a new person. Meryl. I don't know her, but I don't trust her. I will no longer go into things as I left them, but things as she left them. I am not pleased by this, but it is necessary.

Flash drive fail. Videos gone. School notes gone. But I'm not upset. Because there is nothing I can do about it. It is what it is, and it is unfortunate.

Birthday present: desktop microphone. Almost secret-admirey, but Mike confessed that shipping people suck and there should have been a note. For guitar playing/singing...but I think I need to hold the button down on the mic. Problem?

Birthday. Fleetwood Mac with someone I used to be close with. Alcohol necessary. Saturday, hiking with strangers? Former co-worker's daughter's local dance competition? Work? Dinner with mom? dad? Rich? Other Rich? See Cousin Scott? Call Aunt Eileen, who keeps bugging me to. Tim in Boston. Necessary break. When do I get to level Aeveron and watch movies? Should it be about me? If it's about me, I'm going hiking. I want the first thing I do at 27 to be meeting up with a group of strangers (meetup.com thing) and saying, "hey. I want to hike. Let's do this." Then going home, cleaning myself up and hitting up the Watchmen by myself. I want to do both of those things...things I wouldn't before. How's that lyric go? "the old me is dead and gone but the new me will be alright." Yeah.

Guitar playing/singing. Tom & I had a single jam session (#2 tomorrow?). I wish I knew more. I wish I had more time to practice/learn more. But I wish to do well in school more than that.

Tattoo. Birthday present to me? Why can't I muster the balls for it? Maybe Dawn will force me on Sunday. Or maybe I'll convince her to have lunch with me instead.

Chris. Still there. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Happy people: an observation.

2008-11-01T19:09:00.002-04:00

I wonder if they're as happy as they look.
I wonder if I ever look that happy.
I wonder if I ever am that happy.
I remember feeling the way they seem. So then is it just possible, but just not current?

I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to other people. I know how hard it is not to though.

It makes me sad to think I don't feel that way. Worse, I want to. But I don't feel as though I can control it entirely. It's dependent on people in my life just as much as it is in the outlook I take. People have a huge influence on my happiness. You see, I have this empathy tendency. I can feed off of others' excitement, or fear, or sadness, or negativity. Maybe that's why I want to do what I want(ed) to do. (Side note: I want to work with kids moreso than adults these days.) Working with adults kind of seems like a disastrous idea, if the empathy thing holds any water.

One would assume the solution is to surround yourself with positive things/people -- something that has become a recurring theme at this point in my life. Since James, I've noticed this coming back around again & again. I want to, but somehow I tend to attract the tired, down people. I wonder if that's the workings of my subconscious.

Then again, I'm lucky to have some friends that are utter optimists. I may not always seek them out, but they're there and they usually find me and they lift me up. I love those guys.

Maybe I'm not as bad off as I think I am. I mean, I have to work at it, but I have been making an effort to shrug off the unfortunate and laugh off the coincidental and breathe the entire time. I don't know how to teach myself to take life less seriously, but I know it's got to be on the agenda.

Enough of this. I just made brownies, and I'm going to have tea & brownies.

Also, today, I got new boots. Now I have awesome brown and black boots. That made me happy. :)

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T08:30:00.002-04:00

What a day & it's only 9am!

I leave the apartment, walk the 100 feet to the end of the block and turn the corner. As I approach the next street, a school bus turns off of it and two girls scream out of a back window "Happy Halloween!" Without a thought, I waved and screamed it back. I wasn't really expecting myself to respond, so I was a little taken aback when I heard the words & the cheeriness come out of my mouth.

I get to my car and head towards the GCP. After sitting at the light on Jewel at the GCP for what feels like minutes (it's a pretty quick light generally), I realize the light just isn't changing. So, for the first time ever, I honk with an effective purpose, and people moved. I made my right turn and grabbed up my cell phone. I dialed "311" and reported the light. Again, something I really wasn't expecting me to do, but before I could realize what I was doing, the words, "Hi, I'd just like to report a malfunctioning traffic light," were coming out of my mouth. Of course I had to be transferred to another department to tell the same story all over again, but ultimately, the report was made. Hooray good deed! (Kind of, at least.)

Immediately after hanging up the phone, I notice one of those traffic-alert signs that then read, "Delays Ahead Exit 23 to 24." No big deal, I thought. Just one exit. That's never too bad. However, we basically stopped near exit 24, and I noted how odd that was. So I began paying attention, and the next clue I noticed was there were no cars on the westbound side of the highway, leading me to conclude that they had actually closed the highway.

As it turns out, they did. Exit 24 westbound on the Grand Central Parkway this morning was closed. The accident? A car, a truck and a police car. It was an absolutely horrible thing to have happpened, but the coolest thing to witness. I tried to get a picture, which I will attempt to upload this weekend. Of course, I hope everyone was okay. But what an interesting morning!

Here's to having a good night following a good day -- because my theory on not being able to have both has needed to be disproven. So there.

Good things.

2008-10-29T22:52:00.002-04:00

1. I got an A on a test I took on Monday in my class on Germany. I got a B on my last test, and this one counts for more. See, when life isn't so horrible, my grades don't completely suck.

2. Barack Obama made me cry tonight. I know this doesn't come across as a good thing, but with six days left 'till the election, and a ton of things to do for school, I will make an effort to get that man the vote. I believe him. I don't usually believe politicians, but I sincerely believe this man is fighting for something we do, in fact, need. Something to bring this country back on its feet and stop it from heading somewhere noone has seen since the 1930's. I know the odds for him suck despite the polls. I know I've never voted, and therefore have never had the right to complain. But this time is different. This time it doesn't just feel like fancy rhetoric. I believe in Barack Obama. Anyone, everyone, please vote for this man on Tuesday.

3. The Phillies just won the world series! This shouldn't technically make me happy, as I'm a Yankees fan, but I have a few friends from Philly and I know how excited they are (shout outs to 'Stine, Case, Josh & B!). I am incredilbly happy for the team and for their fans.

A side story: I was studying for my history test tomorrow and watching the game with little cartoon dudes on mlb.com. It was the top of the 9th, 2 out, runner on 2nd and 2 strikes to the pinch hitter the Rays put in. Tim turns to me at that moment and says, "did your internet just cut out?" WHAT?! It did. I didn't actually get to see the final pitch, even if it was in cartoon form, because our router chose that moment to crash. It came back up just in time to see the "Phillies Win!" captions. I laughed for minutes.

4. Chris is helping me make my costume tomorrow. We're going to go to Michael's and get some stuff to make me a wand and a crown. The fact that he offered to do this for me makes me feel loved. Not that I question if I am. Just that it's nice to feel.

5. Halloween is Friday! Sure, I don't have any candy, but maybe I'll grab a bag or two tomorrow--just in case. Maybe kids in Queens don't trick-or-treat, but I'd rather have extra to eat in the apartment than not have some for the kiddies if they do swing by. But then I get to dress up and go out, with Chris, and potentially sing me some karaoke.

6. I bought Chris a present. It takes place next Friday. I'm afraid that's all I can divulge at this time. More later.

7. Joana asked me if I wanted to go see the Radio City Spectacular Holiday Show next month. I've never been, and for 40 bucks, I'm soooooo there.

So now I've spent most of my night watching Barack, the Phillies and writing this. I'm going to go devote an hour or so to studying for tomorrow's exam, then try to get a decent night's sleep.

It's nice to have good things to say. I like the way this feels.

Happy Labour Day! (...)

2008-10-27T08:28:00.005-04:00

...if you live in New Zealand, that is. Humorously, the calendar also calls today a "Bank Holiday (IRL)." I imagine Ireland is having a bank holiday (or maybe not; I've never paid attention to "IRL" on a calendar before and thus am not sure what it means exactly), but all I can think of is that it's a bank holiday "in real life." I need to get out more.

Oooh, perfect segue!

So that is just what I've been doing--or, at least, have begun to do. I think I realize now that my doing-of-things used to fuel my blog. It made me have something to say; it made me feel somewhat interesting, like there was something in my life worth writing down & remembering. It's been so stagnant lately because, well, my life has been as well. Here's the basics (pre-excitement):

- I live in Forest Hills, with Chris, since the end of August. This has not been an easy transition. I have not given up hope yet though, either. There's got to be some making-it-work time, or we didn't really try, right? I predict, and truly believe, we are now on a clear path to perfection (or as close as we can come to it).

- I drive to Stony Brook every day, for school and work. This largely fuels my desire not to want to do things other then getthehellhome at the end of the day, but that has made me quite lazy, and not a little cranky and needy. Time for a change!

- When I'm not driving or in school or work, I'm home, either doing homework, playing WoW (which is nowhere near as often as one might think -- I do a lot of homework), cleaning something in the apartment, or tapping my foot waiting for Chris to want to do something together. Bad Linda. (The foot-tapping and its effect on Chris also fuels my desire to go out & play.)

- Sometimes, on weekends, you can find me in Astoria, playing with my friends over there. But I'm too "early" for many of those excursions. They like to go out around 10/11-ish. I like to leave for the night somewhere near 12/1-ish. I used to be a 4am-er, but I was never a 10am-er. No way, no how.

And that brings us to now. Of course I've not had much to say -- I haven't done anything! But things are changing. I now have something to talk about...

Last Thursday I went to dinner with an old friend, Brian. We went to a cute little Italian place that his family frequents. Thursdays are apparently "wine night" there, so we split a bottle of pinot noir for half its cost. The food was yummy; I left my leftovers at his apartment, but mostly because I didn't pay much for it. We also watched Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, or whatever that horrible movie is titled. It was definitely an eyeroll-worthy flick. But I hadn't seen it, and it was in the collection I was able to choose from, so I picked it. It kept the mood light & silly anyway, despite the fact that it appeared to frustrate Brian some. I got home at a fairly decent hour of 11-11:30pm.

Friday Joana & I went to see Bess Rogers (a friend of mine from high school) perform at Canal Room in NYC. She was awesome, as usual, though "usual" for me has only been two shows now. ;) But I like going to see her; her songs are pretty amazing and she has real charisma on stage. We keep telling each other we'll "get together for a drink..." but it's now become a staple of our seeing each other at her shows. We laugh, say, "no really," and someone else comes over to discuss something she said/did on stage. I tend to slip past, and leave the establishment.

We also had some pretty good Mexican food at Lupe's after we left Canal Room. Maybe it was the Jack & Coke, the Captain & Coke, and the pineapple mojito, but I definitely deem the food tasty. I was highly impressed by their chicken in the tostada salad, which was like a flat taco, but delicious nonetheless.

I was going to join Jo in a dancing excursion the same evening, but I wanted to try to get to pumpkin picking semi-early Saturday morning, so we opted just to eat and part ways.

Saturday morning = fail. I woke up at 9:30, which was great, but after not sleeping very well, I fell immediately back to sleep, for a final wake time of 11:30 am. Chris deemed this a little too late (what with the rain clouds ominously floating overhead) to drive out to Long Island in seach of pumpkins, so I opted to go without him. But first we had breakfast at the diner, and what I thought was a pretty good talk, chock full o' things we needed to discuss. IMO, it went well. I left him at home shortly therafter and borrowed his car to make the trip out to Long Island.

Along the way I sought out some company in the pumpkin-hunt, and was met with a positive response from my friend Rob, though he was unavailable until after 3:30. So I did some Costco shopping (75$ in regular household stuff like TP & paper towels & sponges--OMG!) and hung out at my mom's house for a while. He finally came by around 4:30 and no sooner were we in the car and headed towards any farm we could find, when a dull mist began to fall from the sky.

Determined to outlast the rain, I found one place that was closing at 5:00. We showed up? 5:05. I thought maybe Schmitt Farms would still be open past 5 on a Sunday, and they were only a few minutes away, but alas--they were not. So we did the only thing we could think of to get pumpkins...we went to the supermarket.

King Kullen was down to about 8 pumpkins, all of which sucked, so in the essence of pumpkin "picking" we hit up another supermarket. Waldbaums came through.

It was still fairly early, and I was under pumpkin budget, so I bought Rob & me some Taco Bell and we parted ways after going back to my mother's to pick up his truck. The day, on the whole, was fun.

That evening, after making it home in the monsoon of October 2008 and managing to unload the car, I put lots of things away and then prepared Chris & my pumpkins for carving. We searched for faces to carve, decided what we were going to do, made marker-rough-drafts and got to work. The results: (picture to follow). We also picked out the pumpkin seeds and toasted them in the oven for wonderful deliciousness. I enjoyed every second of our carving-time together, and even if he couldn't be there to run around Long Island in search of last-minute pumpkins, I had an excellent time with Chris just making fun faces out of pumpkins and spending creative time together.

Sunday was full of work, so I won't bother getting into any real detail on that one.

But all-in-all, an excellent weekend.

My day: 9/11 & Becky

2008-09-11T20:40:00.005-04:00

I can't help but wonder if Themis Chronopoulis, professor of the rise and decline of urban cities, decided to show the film on the construction of NYC intentionally today. With several shots of the lower Manhattan skyline, coupled with higher-than-the-rest-of-the-month estrogen, I found myself misty eyed more than once at from 9:50 to 11:10 this morning.

NPR was discussing if we talk too much or too little about the occurrence seven years ago today. I was on a ten minute ride to work from campus, or I would have found out peoples' opinions on the subject, but it made me wonder what my own opinion was. At first thought, "just enough" came to mind. But I'm not sure. And I still don't know. Who's to judge what's enough or what's too much? For me? I don't think I hear about 9/11 all that often. However, I don't know that if I did, I wouldn't think it was being harped upon.

On my ride back to school from work, I caught a bit on school segregation. Popular theory of [the caller] was that high schools and colleges had racially segregated cliques. I immediately called my own high school days to mind, in an attempt to recall what it was like at good ol' LHS. But I don't actually recall what life was like then; I spent a lot of time avoiding that place. So I thought about the campus I was on my way to, and I came to the conclusion that segregation isn't really an issue at SBU. Most people are pretty friendly with one another, regardless of ethnicity or nationality. I think, as the host of NPR commented, colleges have been working at creating environments that encourage mingling.

What I had to say about it (out loud, to the car stereo) was that we've had this problem since Brown vs. the Board of Education and the military had to be called to assist in desegregation. Today's parents aren't used to it and therefore don't encourage their children to have friends of all nationalities. And it won't be easy for them to either, unless they are made comfortable with the concept. Is it possible? Probably. But I don't think it can be accomplished in the next few years, or even decade.

In other news, Becky, a former waitress co-worker of mine, came into my office today. At first glance I thought maybe she had a speech problem I never noticed. Or maybe a child (it's entirely plausible from what I recall of her personality from back in the Bennigan's days) with a tongue thrust...who knows? Instead, in making my way around the office wall to give her an "OMG! I haven't seen you in forever!" hug, I noticed the pamphlets in her hand, and her male companion. Wishing she had noticed the "No Soliciting" sign (in hot pink) on the door, I asked what she was doing there. "Uh, we have spa packages, actually," she replied. Through an obviously forced smile I reminded her of the notice on the door and told her she couldn't be there. I noticed a self-righteous switch in her attitude. I asked a few questions about the biz and she felt the need to toss in how much "more money" she makes than the cranky people that throw her out of their offices. She also showed me all of the sign-ups they had accrued during the course of their beg-selling, and explained that it had nothing to do with begging and that they were quite educated, and then I think something about having her own business. Understanding her need to feel bigger, I marveled at her accomplishments and told her how great it was to see her. She did the usual: asked what I had been up to these days and such. She brought up that Kristy had gotten married. Realizing it as the words were flying out of my mouth, "I know. I was there," was probably the most pretentious thing I could have said. I was met with a high-pitched, "oh," and decided Becky hadn't changed, and I had. And even though it was this vain, superficial comparison, I felt a little bit better about me, and the person I had become.

Dear Dad

2008-09-07T19:26:00.004-04:00

I know blaming you is not the answer, because my actions are my own fault, but I can't forgive you. If you weren't in my life, sure, I wouldn't have been born, but the way I grew up, sometimes I think that's better.

No one should have to go through this. No one. I spent 7th grade on suicide watch in middle school. Who does that? Why--please explain to me why--it's so easy to be so mean. Tell me how disregarding peoples' feelings can come without conscious awareness. I know you know the answer, because you do it to me every day.

I did it every day too, once. And I thought it was the biggest mistake of my life. Now I realize not being able to stop, now, is actually the biggest mistake of my life.

You couldn't & can't handle that part of yourself, dad, but I fight every day to try to handle that part of me. I just love when I can get it right--the feeling of comfort and happiness is just utterly amazing. You'd think that'd be enough for me to keep away from the mean, but somehow, it's just not. I can be a hurtful person, and I am very ashamed of that. Because not only does no one deserve to have to fight to remain good, moreso no one deserves to be treated bad. For someone to play the role of "mean guy," someone else has to play the role of "victim," and I'm sick to death of claiming victims.

Just because I've made progress in this field doesn't make it okay as a behavior. I hurt people, and that hurts me. Why do I even have the capability? And even if that's something everyone is born with, what makes it so much more difficult for me?

Every time I slam a door, every time I use any variation of spite, I think of you, dad. Because all joking aside, "I learned it by watching you." I don't know how to forgive you for that. I'd like to think learning how would "set me free," but I'm also not sure it's that easy.

But damnit, more than anything else in my life, I want to be nice. To the people I love.

fantasy dream.

2008-09-06T14:26:00.005-04:00

Well, kind of.
It starts here, in Forest Hills. Kind of.
Several of us --mostly Chris's family though, I believe -- are in what feels like an inn. It's as if we're in some kind of cross between Ireland (where I've never been, so I may just be talking out of my ass here) and New York City. Chris says something in an upstairs bedroom that I don't particularly care for, so I head downstairs, into a main room. I settle off to the side, in what could be considered a kitchen in a small apartment, but doesn't feel like a kitchen in this instance. I sit on a regular plastic/metal chair and wait.

A few minutes pass, and Rachel comes over and stands behind me. She starts telling me stories about her hair, and how she had formerly cut it, or style it, or whathaveyou. I feel a brush being pulled through my hair and I realize she might have thought I was sitting there waiting for her to cut my hair. But the brush feels amazing, so I continue to listen to her talk, and wonder how I would ask her to cut it were that what she was planning on doing.

In her talk of hair length, she refers "like this," indicating she wants me to turn and face her, so I do. She takes my eyeliner pencil cap off (though where she got it from is beyond me), places my chin in her palm and begins to apply eyeliner to my right eyelid. At that point it seems as though she is quite confidently going to give me a "makeover" as though she is some kind of authority on the subject. I feel awkward, but somewhat proud. I glance over at Chris, who has also entered the central room. He appears unimpressed.

With that, a woman sitting on a couch adjacent to us frantically begins asking for help, as her makeup experiment has suddenly gone awry. Rachel rushes over to assist her, and for some reason, I leave the establishment.

Outside, I wait for Rachel, though I'm not sure why. I explain to some guy about the scene that had just taken place while we walk down what looks to be a relative of Yellowstone Boulevard. Rachel eventually catches up to us, and in that same moment I realize she was holding my eyeliner back at the inn and it was still likely inside. She cheerily states she'll go back and retrieve it, but I follow, only I am slower than she and she is already ahead of me.

I return to the "inn" shortly thereafter and she is nowhere to be found. A barmaid/innkeeper type woman is cleaning up in the exact location we had recently departed. She mentions I'm probably looking for the "TooLowToHearWhatSheIsSaying" but I explain, as I find both the pencil and the cover, that I am only there for my eyeliner, which yes, could have been purchased for pennies elsewhere.

Curious as to where Rachel had wandered off to, I head back outside. Upon my departure, a man with whom I am evidently acquainted "oh, hi!"s me. I return the salutation, but explain that that someone is waiting for me outside or I would stay and chat.

I immediately spot Rachel and hurry over. I convey that I had found what we had both gone to seek. She happily acknowledges our triumph and we begin walking down the street.

After a short journey we enter a shop as though we are on a mission. There are two old men sitting next to a table containing a type of pastry--perhaps rugala. We determinedly head for the set of stairs in the back of the establishment and exit to a series of alleys. After setting off down one of them, I turn behind me to find the source of some commotion we can both hear, but Rachel comments that they are high school kids and we should proceed forward. I reply that we'll just have to go through the ghetto then, bound down some stairs, and following, Rachel laughs. I duck out of the alley and land on a city street. Faintly, I recall a memory in which Chris and I had traveled this path before and found it to be the incorrect way. I verbalize this thought and Rachel agrees to try to find the right one. We turn back to the shop. As we re-enter, the two men attempt to engage us in friendly conversation, noting how quickly we have returned, but we politely decline. I state to Rachel that if I recall correctly, there is a different staircase that we need to take out of the shop, but that Chris knows for certain. I begin to search rooms, but realize Rachel is not with me. I call out to her, several times, and she replies that she is talking with the shopkeeper, but headed in my direction. She joins me in the room in which I am standing and leans against a wide door frame, while I sit on the floor, defeated.

What she says next immediately confuses me. I can't recall exactly what her words are, but it is clearly acting. A puzzled expression crosses my face. With that, Chris enters the room and begins speaking aloud to himself as though preparing for a game later, which is what I assume he is doing. It is also the first time I notice character/game pieces on a table in the center of the room. Understanding that Rachel wants to lure me into a role-playing game, I turn back to her and in an accent of some kind, exclaim in response to her question, "but we don't even know where we are!" Chris's attention turns to us, and I immediately ask him where the stairs that we are looking for are located. He answers without words by handing me a piece of construction paper with what looked like a message on it. Whether attuned to Chris's, creating my own, or a combination of the two, I am instantly filled with pride once again, mostly because Rachel has swayed me into a game I honestly believe I will enjoy playing. I glance at the paper, which has the words "Basement for rent" written on it, with a description of the space available underneath it. I smile knowingly and thank him, placing the paper on yet another table in the room. "The basement," I say to Rachel, and on a double-take, pick up the paper once again. "I think I'd better hold on to this as well," I explain, "wouldn't want someone to move in and block our access." Rob Smith-Hoffman, out of nowhere, leans over to Chris and whispers, "she's a smart one." Chris smiles and I make my way to the basement staircase. Rob follows.

There are three people on the stairs, though I don't know them. The first one is close to the top, and upon my arrival he "hits" me with a mock weapon. I "hit" back, and Rob notes the "damage" being done as well as comments on it. I lose comprehension at this point, but I don't give up. I apparently "kill" my attacker through a parry and a kick, though I've no idea how. The two other people are towards the bottom of the stairs and I stare at them, suddenly realizing I'm in combat, and this is not table-top. Slightly nervous I turn to my former attacker and ask what to do next. "How do you want to attack them?" he replies. I make the motion of jumping, arms up and over my head, superman style, at them. "Or can I not do something like 'jump'?" I inquire. He tells me that I can if I really want to and explains what happens if I kill both of them from the blow, or just one, or if I miss completely. I ask another question or two, about cost of attacking, cost for different styles and the like. I turn back to the battle, but two security officers are standing just below me on the stairs. I look over at Rob. "Are these guys real? Or are they your guys?" He laughs and tells me that they're actual security guards. I look back at them, half-laughing, not sure if I believe him. At this point I get the impression we are in a public place, blocking a staircase and shouldn't be there.

I wake up.

not bad (does not) = good

2008-08-28T14:42:00.002-04:00

Things may have begun to get a little bit easier, slightly smoother, and more communicative.
That doesn't just make everything wonderful though. I can't tell if my brain is going through some sort of insecurity or if I'm just picking up on unconscious vibes. Probably the former, but I hate to poke and prod to determine which.

I'm waiting for school to start, but I feel like I'm always waiting for something...something to give me a new circumstance or situation. Why? I don't really know.

The odd part? I'm fairly content. I'm just paranoid.

prep work.

2008-08-23T13:54:00.003-04:00

I have to go ask the neighbors if they care if I have a cat.

I have to go back to Lindenhurst and get her (if no one in the vicinity is allergic). And other things. The jugs of shampoo & conditioner, my printer, my stock of soap and trash bags, everything I might possibly need or want to have with me. Not that I can't go back, but it's inconvenient to. Though at that I have to chuckle. Theoretically, the inconvenience is getting up at 5am to get on a train at 6am to sit for an hour and forty minutes, to take classes forever away to do the same thing all over again to get back. But so long as the return > the investment, it's worth it, right?

I'd like my desk. I just don't know how to get it from my house to Queens.

I have to figure out how and when to go drop my car off in Stony Brook and take the train back. What does this week look like for me? If the cat is here, it doesn't matter where I stay, but the gas to get back & forth every day would be too much. So do I do it on Friday? If we go away for the weekend anywhere, then that's just wasting time we could be spending traveling to wherever. Do I do it Wednesday? If I do, then I have to pay for the train to/from SB on Friday. Do I drive out Tuesday morning (1st day of school) and start the process after Labor Day? I don't know. I'm not as good at planning as I thought I was. Not to mention I've been training myself to be amenable to upheavals in plans. But the whole first day of school thing seems like the best plan.

I need my battery chargers. And shoes; oh, so many shoes. And cat litter. And cat food, which I haven't even bought yet; she's just about out of what she has.

That little magnet pad, so I can write down that we need milk & eggs and feel like I've made headway on actually getting them.

My files? So I can continue to be neurotic about paperwork? Candles, 'cause I likes them? Socks. More socks. Advil.

I think I will have to dig through drawers, closets, cabinets, shelves...just to feel like I have me with me.

I don't think I'm leaving me behind, by any means. I do, however, feel like I'm just trying to incorporate myself into Chris's world (and by 'world,' I mean 'apartment,' which in essence is kind of exactly what I'm doing).

In any event, tomorrow will be a long day of just about official moving...again, provided it's okay with the neighbors that I bring Leslie back with me. I got my monthly LIRR ticket in the mail yesterday though, which makes this all the more real. :)

"I'm dating a model."

2008-08-19T11:19:00.002-04:00

So, my darling ex-boyfriend, you are. Thank you for sharing. I honestly don't care about the 400 hundred people waiting for her wherever she is. I don't particularly care for gloating. Especially when said gloating is about my replacement. "Look, honey - all of the things you weren't! AND she likes me!"

I honestly don't know what I prefer: your utter misery (which was really annoying because it was solely due to your not having a girlfriend) or your super-wonderful-model girlfriend gloating. Have I ever sent you a text message about how wonderful my boyfriend is? No. And it's not because he's not wonderful (as everyone that knows him knows, he is), it's because it's obnoxious to shove it in anyone's face, especially my ex-boyfriend. I wouldn't do that because I wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Maybe I'm just being a girl. But that was rude.

when the weight of the world feels exactly like...the weight of the world.

2008-08-18T20:23:00.004-04:00

I don't even know how to say what's going on in my head and my heart. They are torn apart, not by the mass of the body in between, but by circumstance and resulting actions of circumstance.

What I have learned is that what I want is to be an individual. To be able to live a single existence, but in a relationship. I'm not sure if I have it all wrong and am trying to be too independent, or if I'm doing what might be right.

I know I'm not the queen of independence. I'm actually like the princess of independence, run away to try to avoid my parents at all costs. But I'm ready now. I'm ready to find the balance between that which is entirely overbearing, and that which is rational.

I want...to live peacefully. I don't remember moving in with Rob being very complicated, but it wasn't handled well either. We didn't really work out "kinks," I just said 'jump' and the bitch jumped. This...this is not like that. That is not me, nor who I want me to be, and unfortunately, that means there are, in fact, kinks. More than I had thought there would be.

I've not given up. The second I claim to give up, nothing will be able to restore faith. I don't think three weeks of an on again/off again living situation is enough to dismiss an entire relationship anyway. The first official month might even be rocky, but not if I can help it. I have made some resolves, some resolutions to bring a better Linda to this world, and ultimately, to my relationship.

I may never reach the ideal I have created for myself, but I am open to compromise and discussion and love, and that is what is most important in my opinion.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a fan of fighting or drama or anger, or even rockiness. I want calm and collected and easy and fun. I also understand it doesn't always work that way. I just need to figure out how to make that the most prominent motif in my life.

I believe in me. I hope I'm not the only one.

does misery even like company?

2008-08-14T08:54:00.003-04:00

Some days I wonder long and hard why in the world I want to be a therapist. I'm pretty sure, with my inability to make so many people feel any better, I would completely suck at it. Some people say "OMFG you are going to RULE as a shrink," but that's mostly because their minds (and issues) are less complicated than the people I fail with. Thinking back, I don't even know if I've helped anyone at all. Therapy is supposed to be about a patient talking, and a therapist directing thoughts. With most people all I do is opine. With others, I can say little to nothing, mostly because I can't handle the continued negative reaction.

I should take that for what it is: a self-help technique. If it makes me so uneasy to hear something like that, how do other people feel when I act similarly?

As for "treating," I understand that I'm not a shrink, nor am I actually close to being one as of late. But I used to be so good at helping people. At making them smile. At being a bright light at the end of a dark tunnel. Now all I can do is frown and say, "chin up?" and wait impatiently for something magic to happen. What's the only real possible reaction to that? "Yeah, thanks," and likely a response frown.

I suppose I do actually understand why I want to make people feel better: true happiness is pretty contagious. (But, mind you, that fake shit that is most commonly seen is not.) Does that mean the key to responding to people's problems is to just be an uber-optimist and cheerily smile in their face and say, "aw, you've nothing to worry about. It'll all work itself out; you'll see!" Because that just seems like a fake shortcut.

And I imagine that without being truly happy myself, I will do little good for anyone else. At present, happy people still kind of grate on my nerves, which is an indication that I'm not quite there. Yes, there are certainly times I couldn't be happier, so all is not lost, but to be able to find that place ... the place of peace and tranquility and patience ... now that would be an accomplishment of a decade.

Regardless, I should be able to put (most of) my own issues aside, and deal with things for others. Again, though: brick wall. I get met with a lot of sidewards smiles and "I'm going to go"s. Is it just a case of a lack of training? I suppose no matter if it is or isn't, I should at least view it as such, to keep my inspiration and hope alive.

I can't seem to figure out if I'm supposed to be empathetic, equally as whatevertheyare, optimistic, or try to help them see a brighter side. Does misery want company or help or just someone to listen? I believe that answer is entirely subjective. Personally? I like company. I like someone to force me to smile, or laugh, because how can I possibly be mad/sad/othernegativeemotion while laughing, or feeling loved? It's difficult. But who's to say that's what everyone else, or anyone else for that matter, wants? I know entirely too many people who want to deal with their shit by just "going away" and "being alone." Granted, all that usually gets its a pretty bow on top of some sadness or anger, but when solitude is what is sought, it's hard to argue for the adverse.

So ultimately, misery may or may not love company, and the phrase is a bunch of hogwash?

"Treat a man as he appears to be, and you make him worse. But treat a man as if he were what he potentially could be, and you make him what he should be." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

if I only had a [creative, fantasy-driven] brain...

2008-08-12T10:55:00.003-04:00

I feel like I would then fit in better with those that I surround myself with. I would be fun to talk to, sought out for ideas. What do I do? I go to school for psychology. Aside from actually having a somewhat intelligent brain, what have I to contribute to the people closest to me?

I honestly don't think I have anything of substance to say, and that I'm not very interesting. I might be entertaining sometimes, but that's all I see as far as what I have to offer. I'm animated. I'm easy to make fun of. Sometimes I feel like I'm the person everyone keeps around to make themselves feel better about how smart/knowledgeable they are.

I'm sure there's more to it. I'm sure I've something good going for me, but at present I can't see it and I'm not entirely sure why. I'd love to just post my insecurities to the workdaylist, but ... well, no one ever has a problem like that, because they're all so damn confident in themselves & their strengths. I don't know what my strengths are. I don't know what I'm good for. And I don't need to feel even more the baby for whining about it to a group of 30+ people.

Then again, that might be good for me. Maybe they'll say something nice. Or maybe something mean, but that I need to hear. Or maybe they won't say anything at all, which would be worse, but nothing worth getting a stash of ACME razors over. (I wouldn't really need a stash now, would I? One would seemingly be sufficient. Heh.)

I'd rather not seek comfort in other people's comments. What I'd like is to feel like I know something, and not need to wonder how I fit into the puzzle that are the people I call 'friends.' I need for these uber-insecure days to just stop. And step one is coming to terms with who I am, and what my own strengths are. I'm just not sure how to do that when I don't know.

nobody said it was easy.

2008-08-11T17:48:00.003-04:00

The every 4 days blog continues...although today, I'm not much in the mood to be posting pictures. Maybe another time.

Thursday was nice. Jo came over for dinner. It's great having her so close by. I will be sad to see her leave, but we will both be so preoccupied with our respective schools, that I imagine weekends will be our only potential time to see one another anyway.

Friday was ... a Friday. Work, back to Queens, which I am now calling "home." I decided if I was going to have doubts about the entire arrangement it wouldn't be worth doing. So as of now I'm all in. Chris came home from a work BBQ and we watched a movie, drank some whiskey and had just a good, relaxing night in.

Saturday we went to our respective mothers' homes. I hung out with mom and the cat and BBQed for us. Went back home just to turn around and meet Vinny at the Beer Garden in Astoria. Turns out a friend of (my friend) Dan's was having a bachelor party there as well, so lots of people were around. It was actually a great place and a lot of fun. Unfortunately, though, my night didn't end well. One might say it ended disturbingly.

Half of Sunday was spent sleeping. During the waking hours, Chris & I went to Home Depot and carried a table & chairs a mile or two home. Then we set up in the living room and made a workstation. I think it came out pretty well. I tried to study for the test I had today in sleep class, but it was a lot of material and my focus was way off. I did the best I could with what I had.

I left this morning with the intention of returning Wednesday. I'm looking forward to not having to do this anymore. Not wondering where certain belongings are, not trying to figure out what time to get up because of what day it is or if it's raining, stuff like that. I'd like to have a fairly smooth lifestyle, not that that's ever really been too possible. But a good place to start might be standard commuting and a stable place to reside.

I spent most of the day okay; I spent some of the day upset. It was rather random, honestly. I didn't realize I would have strong, painful emotions just sitting inside of me, whirring around, itching for somewhere to go, but finding nothing. Void of an outlet, they only find solace in random tears, which really just annoys me. So I'm walking around, some sort of tear-jerking time bomb, trying to live a normal life. I hear it's a process, and I'm ready for the "healing" to begin...however that happens. How does one find a constructive emotional outlet, anyway?

when no place feels like home.

2008-08-07T17:08:00.004-04:00

The highlight of my Monday was my new planner. I know this might sound lame to some, but it was actually quite thrilling for me. I like that start-over feeling, y'know? Where even though nothing in life has changed, there's almost a reason for a new beginning, like New Years Eve, which is the ultimate start-over.

The book also signifies a year gone by at Stony Brook. Though it may have felt long at the time, it certainly flew by in retrospect. (Then again, doesn't everything in life fly by in retrospect?)

In addition to the new girly pink & purple planner, I also picked up 5 one-subject notebooks, which will be the most I have been prepared for a new semester/year of school since....sixth grade. Maybe it'll stick. Or maybe I was just dragged to the University Bookstore by classmates on our break. I got a lot of gum samples out of the deal, though. AND I found out that the little tag you're supposed to cut off certain clothes before wearing them is still in a pair of shorts I own. I found this out entirely too late. Ultimately, I should have stolen the books, since everyone was prepared for me to beep (again) on the way out. Heh.

I spent Monday & Tuesday night in Lindenhurst. I realize now that I call both places home, as I had to change "I spent Monday & Tuesday night at home" to include what 'home' was in that sentence. My apprehension about spending less & less time there continues to grow. But I haven't spent a long enough period of time thinking about it, so I don't really know what I think about the entire ordeal. I may just wind up approaching it like I would most other things of a similar (apprehensive) nature: ignore it until it passes. Because, eventually, it will pass. I will proceed to go through the motions, and it will either go well or go badly. Pining over it certainly isn't going to help either situation, is it?

Tuesday was the most work-productive day I have had in a long while. I worked for a few hours at the Speech Center, then went home and did 2 hours or so of RA work, then I did another 2 hours or so of reading for class the next day. I neglected to do the extra credit. I meant to when I got home yesterday, but I forgot, and now it's too late. I'm really going to have to pick up the extra credit slack or study and write my ass off to get an A in this class. Sue likes me, and I know that, but I also know she's not going to give me an A for that reason. I honestly have to earn it, and my work and studying have been less than stellar. My work will reflect this if I don't get my act together.

Anyway, when it finally got down to bedtime Tuesday night, and I was photoless for the day, I decided to take a picture of my water bottle, because I have been and will continue to be unable to eat or drink anything other than water at least three hours prior to bedtime. It's part of the sleep class I'm in. We're doing our own mini-experiments regarding sleep habits and interventions. Only I know mine is going to fail miserably, and the only bad thing about that is that I have to explain why in my final paper. I'm fairly certain "because my hypothesis was whack" just isn't going to cut it. In any event, the water bottle never made it to print because something much more important occurred. I finally understood the "flower" feature of my camera. I've had that bad boy for a good four or five years now, and never have I grasped the concept of its function. Evidently the international symbol for 'macro,' the flower-feature (because its cooler to say than 'macro') allows my (and most all, I'd imagine) camera to focus on something directly in front of it. So I started playing around with it, and here's the best emphasized difference. First picture, mountain-feature (I'm sure it's a symbol for something, though I don't know what). Second picture, flower-feature.

The difference in background and contrast is utterly amazing to me. Maybe I'm just easily amused. But now I've been dying to take a picture of a flower, though I've yet to.

So I played around with that for a little while longer, before convincing myself it had been long enough since my last meal/drink/snack and headed to bed. I had only been away from Chris a day and a half, but by this point the missing had slowly started to creep back in. Packing stuff for the next day definitely helped tone down that emotion.

Wednesdays tend to be a tad on the treacherous side. A few hours at work, and then long, grueling hours at school. They're grueling mostly because all I want to do is get to Queens and avoid traffic, and staying until the end of the regularly scheduled class time would equate to the epitome of rush hour. So Wednesdays are the day I generally shake my leg under my seat in anticipation of leaving.

As I didn't do my extra credit dream paper, which, incidentally, would have taken me 20 minutes had I not forgotten about it, I decided to talk in class in an attempt to get the other potential extra credit point. I asked a question or two, and then, when class was slowing to a dream-relaying-by-every-person-in-the-room halt, I opted to cover the next section of notes and do a Freud summary. Thank you, Dr. Waters, for forcing me to spend half of an entire semester studying the nutbag that is Sigmund Freud.

When I finally got to Queens, I waited patiently (read: napped) for Chris to get home so we could go see The Dark Knight. I swear if I didn't have to pee through the entire last third of the movie, I would've loved it even more than I had already, which was a LOT. I am definitely going to see this flick in IMAX, and I'm kind of glad Joana wants to go with me. I understand Chris's reasons for not wanting to, and I don't blame him for it, but it's so unlikely I would go alone. Now we just have to follow through with the idea of going.

So after the long pee following the movie, Chris & I decided to improvise on dinner at home. (See what I mean about the 'home' thing??) After my whiny attitude proved little results, we settled on Spaghetti Os and Cheesyburger Chef Boyardee, mixed together. Don't worry, we classed it up with some merlot we acquired at a vineyard in Red Hook.

Upon consumption, we began the "hasn't Chef Boyardee always tasted like metal to you?" discussion, until it occurred to Chris that he owned a silicon spoon (from hiking/camping). After noticing a difference between utensils used, we decided the metallic taste comes from the metal spoon. So Chris used his silicon one. And I? I used whatever I could find...

Oh yeah, there were meatballs too.

We're broke, but were goddamn fun. :)

August ALREADY?!

2008-08-03T16:36:00.003-04:00

Where oh where did the last...four days go? It appears as though that little problem I have of skipping the blogging when Chris and I are together needs to be remedied or this blog will quickly become extinct. In any event, he is here now and I am writing this next to him, so let this be step 1 in fixing the hardly-a-problem. See? Next to me. Playing Final Fantasy II.That game makes some seriously funny noises. Anyways, I'm still sitting in the same place on the couch as I have been basically since 10 this morning. I may have had a very sedentary day, but it was damn productive. I watch a movie, The Game, starring Michael Douglas & Sean Penn. I would describe it as...annoying, but good. Maybe a little overkilled as well. It's one of those "the game is to figure out the game" things, but through the whole thing you never know if anyone is lying or if anything is real or fake and what is coincidence or what is intentional and it's all just very...stressing. But it ended fairly well. I'm apparently a little sensitive, 'cause I actually let a tear escape.

Then again I got teary-eyed when I finished Barack Obama's book today as well. Seriously, if that man is evil, then he's fucking good at it. I'm totally voting for him. Throughout the entire book (The Audacity of Hope), all I could think was how he's just...dreaming. How he has this beliefs and ideals and they're so far removed from society and the government today, that he's going to find himself one very disappointed politician. Then I got to the Epilogue. Where he basically said, "yeah. I'm a dreamer. But what's the point in not trying?" Not in those words, obviously, but he made the point that if everyone gave up on ideals because they seemed far-fetched, we'd never make any real progress. And that, I believe in.

I did work for school, and homework for class (which included a nap because that text book is so boring), and I made some lunch and I cleaned up a bit. Like I said, I spent a vast majority of the day in one spot on the couch, alternating between sitting and laying. It was wild.

It appears as though I must do another recap for the past few days, though, so here goes (in reverse order than I usually do, because I'm just crazy like that):
Saturday: actually, this is best prefaced with a note from Friday. While driving home from Stony Brook circa 1am on Friday (Saturday), my check engine light came on. Calmly, and completely unlike me, I figured, "okay, I'll go tomorrow and get it looked at. I can get that oil change I've been avoiding for about 800 miles now as well." So Saturday morning, likely still drunk from the beer & whiskey of the evening prior, I dragged myself out of bed around 9, showered, and zombied my way to the dealership's service station in Oceanside. It was at least an hour wait to drop it off, so I went for a walk. With swollen feet (see Friday's summary) I walked through the pain and kept going. I picked up coke/pepsi bottle caps and just basically wandered. I took a few pictures, this one included. I basically had to duck to get out of the way of this tree's branches, and the flowers were so unique I had to try to capture them on film. Of course, the bud itself is too close for my camera to have focused on, so the leaves are quite clear, but the picture conveys enough of the point: Somewhere near 45 minutes after leaving the service shop I came to a coffee shop in Island Park and thought breakfast would be perfect, so I wandered inside. I had just ordered a mug of tea when I realized the extent of cash I had on me was a five dollar bill. I asked the kid behind the counter if they took credit, which he shook his head at in reply. He told me about the 7-11 down the block with an ATM. I ordered a $1.50 english muffin with butter instead. I enjoyed that shop immensely. Everyone seemed to know one another. The couple at a table behind me asked the boy behind the counter if he would come over next Saturday after work at the shop and help them set up for a beach party they were having that night.

It sparked all kinds of emotion within me. Perhaps it was all of the beachy novels I've read in my time, that revolved around a woman in a small town working at a small shop of sorts and finding love when she least expects it. Hey, I'm not proud that I've read them. I went through a phase, ok? Regardless, I felt like I needed to be part of a similar community. But my fear/anxiety when it comes to water and my ignorance when it comes to boats or surfing or any of those stereotypical beach activities prohibit me from feeling like I could ever make it there, or even manage slightly without feeling entirely outcast.

The internal back-and-forth proceeded for awhile. It was kind of a self-evaluation of sorts, a desire to know who I was and what defined me. I used to say I was defined by so many different things; little pieces of here-and-there that when combined together made me who I am. But that seems like such a cop-out. Like I can't decide on one thing, so I'm allowing myself to just say "oh, I like all of those." I'm still not sure which is right. And writing this has only made me think about it all over again. So in an attempt to get my mind out of emo-ville, I shall proceed with the events of my time away from blogger.

After I returned from the shop, which, by the way, charged me $55.00 to tell me the fuel cap coil was getting caught between the fuel cap and fuel tank and to "clear it and run an evap test," I hung out with my mother for a bit. I made plans to grab some lunch with Alex, which we did at Applebee's. Then we bopped over to King Kullen to do some minor grocery shopping. I went back to moms, loaded some stuff into my car to bring to Queens, and then came back here.

Chris & I attempted to go see The Dark Knight, which we have yet to, but the show we were going to sold out while we were on line and we didn't want to rush through a dinner to make a show we bought tickets in advance to, so we vowed to go to a showing this week. I cannot believe I've yet to see this damn movie. It's like the gods are working against me.

We dined at a little place on Austin St. called Bonfire, and I'm certain were I not heartburn-ridden, I would have devoured my sesame-ginger salmon salad. It was an overall enjoyable dinner and experience. However, within minutes of leaving the establishment, a flash of lightning and accompanying thunder brought us to the conclusion that we should swing back to the apartment and grab an umbrella before heading to Astoria just in case. With that, the rain began, and we took refuge under an awning until it wasn't as heavy a downpour. The rain lasted all of ten minutes, and we made it home in time to change, grab an umbrella and head back to the train. We did not need the umbrella for the remainder of the evening.

Drinks at McGinty's was fun. It was great to see Vinny again, back from Kazakhstan for a few weeks. I wish I had gotten to talk with him more. I kind of hope I/we get another opportunity to hang out with him before he returns.

The gin & tonics were many. Someone thought it was funny to keep buying them for me just as I was about to finish the one in my hand. They succeeded in getting me to stay longer. Unfortunately, it wasn't much longer because I was wasted fairly quickly and stumbled out just after 2am. I was asleep a little over an hour later.

Friday was the longest workday I have ever worked at Suffolk Speech. I was there for nine and a half hours. There was too much to do, and too little time to do it. So who knows if they'll pay me for it. They got mad last time I worked a few extra hours. I'm pretty sure this time around it's okay, because it's not an often occurrence. I'm up to 25 hours this week, but if possible, I'll just work a few less next week.

Anyway, after work I grabbed some beer & fruit and went to Fabian's for a cookout (I can't call it a BBQ if Anne Cooper calls it a cookout!) in honor of Owen's birthday. Owen couldn't go, though, due to a death in the family of a friend. But I met a bunch of Stony Brook U. people and we had a good time and good food and a lot of fun. The glass of whiskey iced the cake. It was refreshing and enjoyable to sit around with chicks drinking whiskey, talking girl talk.

The mosquito bites, though, I could have done without. I sprayed every inch of my body with whatever Off! product was around. Ever inch save for the side/bottom of my feet. I wound up with two semi-swollen feet by the end of the night. One got me on the top of the sole of my right foot, the other on the side by my pinky toe on my left food. It was wholly unpleasant to walk around on. Especially on Saturday, when I did a significant amount of walking.

I certainly couldn't spend very much time in it, but Fabian & Meagan have this hammock, which I have dubbed "the cocoon." I got lost in that thing while Dan took pictures.I thought I was perfectly fine to drive home, but looking back I'm not entirely certain it was a good idea. I don't often tempt fate like that (anymore), so I'm grateful as usual that I got back to Lindenhurst safely. I was asleep shortly after . Apparently, I'm not the drinker/partier I once was.

I have no photos and very little story for Thursday. That friend of Owen's whose family member passed away was also a friend of Chris's, so I joined him at the wake in Ossining Thursday evening. The morning was filled with nagging emo girl thoughts, which I washed away with an afternoon of Christine & Pinot Grigio, and the evening was spent traveling to and from Ossining and the wake.

Wednesday was so long ago, I barely remember it. I do recall Chris taking out his Warhammer models and arranging them on the shelf on the bottom of the table. I'm not sure he knows I even took this picture, but oh well. ;)I'm fairly certain we relaxed on Wednesday. It was his first night "home" so we watched a movie (Jumper, which was okay, but nothing to write home about in my opinion) and then did respective stuff (like play with Warhammer models or read or putz around on the internets). I think we got into a mini-argument about the cat and my inability to immediately discuss when something bothers or upsets me, but it wasn't too intense (know how I know? I didn't cry!) and I believe ultimately some understanding actually took place. I have vowed, however, to try to dull my initial reaction emotions and try to focus more on logic. Seems I vow that a lot, though.

So now it's just about 1am and, despite the napping, I'm getting a bit sleepy. So here's to another super-long blog. The good news is Chris doesn't have to sit on the phone listening to me say all of these things. The bad news is it took forever to write it all down. ;)

Night!

Chris returns! ...eventually.

2008-07-29T23:11:00.004-04:00

I've been so excited all day. From packing my car with the things I'd collected yesterday, to waiting patiently to leave work (longest day ever) to all of the events this evening, I am dying to see the love of my life again. His flight was delayed (at least it wasn't canceled), so he'll be home...just no telling when.

But the day was very interesting, despite my impatience through it:

As soon as I left work I got a call from Rachel telling me that a friend of their's father passed away yesterday. Hopefully I won't have to relay the sad news as I know Chris turned his phone on. So I just hope he got the message Rachel left him.

I unpacked when I got to the apartment, and wandered over to the supermarket to grab some foodstuffs. Everyone was so friendly! I compiled carts with a fellow shopper, the cashier told me to "fuck it" regarding some raviolis. Turns out the bag I brought to checkout was opened, so when I went to grab a second one, I grabbed mini ravioli instead of the large ones. Confusion at the counter? Nah, fuck it!

I logged onto someone's network when I got back (after putting things away, of course), had a bowl of cereal, and almost immediately fell asleep. I woke up when the neighbors starting thumping around though, and decided to bike ride instead of nap. I went the only place I knew how to get to/wanted to go: Joana's. I called her as I was just about to her apartment, but she didn't answer. As I was texting her instead to find out where she was, I all but passed her standing at the bus stop. She was on her way to meet Chao for dinner, and we decided to walk back together. So we picked up bottle caps and caught up on the past week and then I met her other bff, Chao. He lives, literally, five minutes from here. Two via bicycle.

While we walked, she kept her bag on my other handlebar (my helmet occupied the first), and despite the fact that I checked to see that it was okay often, it wasn't. I got a picture text as I walked in the door to the apartment. 'Twas a little ripped. She seemed to handle it well, but I know I would've been a tad aggravated about that.

I also had a missed call, and it turns out it was my teacher, Sue. Before calling her back I figured I'd check my email, and class is canceled tomorrow because Sue doesn't feel well. I called her back and left a message, but she never returned it. We'll all find out what happened come Monday. Long class that day, though. Yech.

So I neglected reading for class, but instead watched a few episodes of Scrubs and did some RA work. When I was just about finished with that, I saw it. It scurried towards the middle of the room, but receded back near the radiator. I figured it retreated for good. I was wrong. Next I looked up it was headed under the couch. I began my freak-out then. I was fairly certain a very daring cockroach was defying the light and challenging me to a showdown. I went for flip-flops, but I accidentally kicked into my sneakers and it came crawling out of one of them. And that's when I called my mother. Calming me down, she had me trap it under a pot, but not before I watched it crawl through the foyer into the kitchen, down the cabinets and back into the foyer. ::shiver:: Now, it does laps in the dark under a pot until Chris gets here and...and... does something. I'm just happy I don't have to play chicken with a GINORMOUS insect anymore tonight. Good god, I was ready to get in the car and head back to Long Island. My mom says if it's a cockroach, all of the apartments should be fumigated because there's likely an infestation. I say bring the cat over and let her work her magic. Though even I'm not sure she'd be willing to take on something a decent portion of her size.

So now it's 11:35pm, and Chris hopes to be home around midnight. I've candles lit, wine chilling, and pizza getting cold from a few hours ago. I haven't touched either the wine or the pizza as I'm waiting for him. I sure hope he's willing to humor me. I'm hungry, and I could sure use a glass of that wine after my time with Willie the Cockroach!

I have GOT to stop napping.

2008-07-29T01:01:00.003-04:00

No, really, I do. I only managed five hours of sleep last night, so today I couldn't function without a) wanting to murder someone; or b) well, without getting some more shut-eye (or more accurately, slow-wave-sleep). So, naturally, when I got home, at 6:00pm, I went straight to sleep. Now I'm up, and it's 1:00am, and I'm going to have to force myself to sleep as soon as I'm done with this.

ANYWAY, more importantly, I guess I never explained how the Lappy got its life back. I found my order form for the comp and the warranty and it is good until 2010. But the 'limited' part scared me, so I called to see what the deal was. I got transferred around until some very commonly monotone (but polite!) man script-read me that I needed to be in front of the computer because there is sometimes a hardware complication that can be checked by discussing it, apparently. I explained, using all of the patience I could muster after spending the day on the phone with ridiculously retarded insurance company representatives, that my problem was not, in fact, hardware. I told him, for the second time, that not only did I verify that it was the AC adapter that was malfunctioning by using someone else's, but it would be impossible for me to turn the computer on while on the phone with him because it couldn't charge. After Mr. Genius checked with his supervisor, they "made an exception" for me. The supervisor even needed to get on the phone with me after Mr. G. Why, I'm not sure. He did nothing other than verify everything I had already gone though...twice, at that point. However, anticipating a 2-3 day waiting period, I received the new adapter next day, and therefore rated Dell's Customer Service highly upon receipt of yet another customer service survey. (I also did one at Jasmine, a restaurant at school, today. Pushy survey people.)

So that's Lappy's story. I was so thrilled to have 'er back, I had to spend three hours belfing last night, hence the cranky sleep deprivation. It was a bad plan. I had a test today I wound up getting a 24.5/30 on (good for some; crappy for me). And I certainly could have used that time to study properly, but I didn't, so it's entirely my fault. I'm not overly saddened by the grade, I just know I could have done better had I applied myself. But I used there being "a lot going on" as an excuse in my head, so: bad! bad linda! I will start making an effort to do some extra credit as soon as things settle down in Queens (so, like, in a day or two). And I will certainly put in the study-time for the remaining two exams. Lowest gets dropped, remember.

I was bummed that I had to hang around school for an RA meeting, and I was supposed to find ACE and go for a bike ride, but Ryan wanted to get away (bad night + even less sleep than me = two cranky tired people, just lookin' for a fix), and I suddenly had a sushi craving, so we took a quick ride up to Hoshi Sushi & Ralph's Ices. Turns out Hoshi Sushi closes at 3pm, to reopen at 5pm. We got there? 2:55pm. ::headdesk:: So we waiting forever on line for Ryan to get an icy thing, then tried to get semi-okay-but-still-kinda-crappy sushi at the Wang Center on campus. They had it at the beginning of the summer, but lo and behold, not so much for the remainder of it. The sign said, basically, "no sushi for summer." I'm sure it was worded more accurately. I'm being facetious.

Ironically enough, on our way back from the closed restaurant to campus, we heard this on XM:

I'll never think of "Fwee Wii-ry" the same again. (Scroll to around 3:15 if you don't want to listen to the entire Japanese food portion.)

So the remainder of my day was much less eventful. Did yet more "to-do" things after my nap: downloaded a shit-ton of new (old) podcasts, packed a LOT of apartment stuff to bring tomorrow, as I won't be back home 'till Friday, and then read for almost two hours for Wednesday's class. And the surprising part: that was only about half of the reading.

Chris's flight got delayed (and by delayed I mean canceled and re-scheduled), though, so now I will have a good seven hours in Queens without him, and my plan is basically to read what I didn't get done tonight, do some RA data entry work, and bike ride in the city for the first time ever. No sidewalks! I have to remember that rule (law?). I learned it at Tom's house the other night, and I was entirely unaware of it.

And now, before I try to count myself to sleep, I will take the unnecessarily long time to post a picture or two for each day that I've missed photos for. I'm actually pretty sure there's one day I didn't even take a picture, but I'll try to work around that, or, failing that, just not put one in. Oh yeah, and Sean? Is there a way to get the picture to immediately post somewhere else in the blog? Or maybe an easier way to maneuver it around? I can't fathom that the pick-up and drag, pick-up and drag, pick-up and drag method is the easiest way to add photos. Any advice?

Here's emocat. I was originally going for "laptop as pillow," but she saw me take the camera out, and preferred to do the emo "lookaway" 'cause she's fucking emocat.

Thank you and good night! (Yeah, I'm a rock star.)

Oh Em Jee, I am the worst daily blogger EVAR.

2008-07-27T21:36:00.004-04:00

First off, I just used the non-existent word "belf" as a verb. Belf: v. the action of playing blood elf characters on World of Warcraft. ... then again, if belfs exist outside of WoW, then this would also apply to them, so I suppose the specific game title needn't be included. Ah, well. So be it.

Secondly, since I am the fucking queen of not-blogging, I will offer a half-assed explanation as to why. With Chris gone, I vowed to "occupy my mind" by having plans just about the entire time he's away. As I have followed through every day save for Wednesday, and every day since I've either a) not had access to the interwebs (stayed in Forest Hills last night) or b) got home just tipsy enough and just late enough to get no farther than checking gmail before passing out -- computer-open, light-on, entirely unprepared for bed. Like I said, I know that's a lame excuse, but it's an excuse nonetheless, ain't it?

Okay, so let's do the usual recapping thing.

Wednesday (7/23): Work. School. Nap. Movie. Internets. Bed. Alex & I were supposed to grab some drinks at Doc's, but she had a crappy day and wanted to postpone. We rescheduled for Friday. I was exhausted from getting home late from Florida, then getting home late from the Yankee game the next day, so the night off was welcomed. I watched The Nines, and really liked it. I probably played some Scrabulous and/or read a little as well. Lazy eve. (Sadly, no picture that day.)

Thursday (7/24): Ahh, a day off. "To-do" list-wise, I cleaned up my clothes, went to the bank, and wrote my paper for school, which took a little longer than expected. I then picked up a six-pack of Yuengling and headed to Tom's for some quality Wii-time. This picture is of his enormous cat, Misty. We Mario Karted and Wii Sportsed (my newfound verbs are so fun!), then Rock Banded. A lot. I was there four or five hours, easily. His step-brother Justin came to rock out with us, so I played drums while Tom sang, which was hilarious, by the way. His step-dad bought us all pasta for dinner, so I stuck around a bit for some yummy penne a la vodka. However, that made me late for the guest bartending event Brian Bivona posted on Facebook. I told James I would meet him there. It was a) a night out, and b) a chance to hang out with James so I wouldn't have to hear about how bad of a friend I was for not hanging out more often. ::eye twitch:: What is that boy going to do when the semester starts? Anyway, he thought I had lied and said I was working late which is why I couldn't go until 9:00 at night. I think he was just mad that I was a half an hour late, because I'm not dumb enough to lie about working on a day I have off every week in the summer. Really, if I were going to lie it would at least be an almost feasible one.

So the bar thing was awkward. I had a few (more) beers, and thankfully Matt & Banach & some guy I didn't know showed up. But they went off to smoke cigarettes entirely too often for it not to remain awkward. It's clearly evident there can be little to no drinking when James is present. I'm just not comfortable with it, and I don't really know how many times I have to tell him I like and respect my relationship and I am not interested in one with him as well. Or in lieu of. Or whatever he thinks he can get. Honestly, I don't know what this guy thinks, but it's neurotic however it works.

Needless to say, I went home awkward-free because I refused to let his "OMGISTHISADATE?DOIKISSHER?" interfere with my happy life. So I gave a hug, discussed a BBQ he might stop by next week, said good bye, and drove off. I passed out (computer-open, lights-on) shortly after getting home.

Friday (7/25): Work, as per the usual. But with all the time I'd taken off, I was there a little later than I wanted to be, finishing up. I got home sometime after 4pm and did more "to do" list stuffs: painted my nails/toenails, packed a bag to bring to Chris's new apartment. I likely squeezed a nap in. I met Alex at 8 at Doc Lee Lau's and we had LITs and Volcanoes and Blue Hawaiians before calling it a night, drink wise. I also got some dinner there, and might I say it was the best chicken w. cashew nuts I've had since...well, Tang's.

We definitely met some fun people. Walter, Liz and John. Walter is a 68-year old, turquoise-suit-wearing, new dancer. We talked about life goals, and school and marriage and weddings and his dance lessons and the buffet at the Carriage House that Alex and I have vowed to attend. Liz and John came a bit later, and they may have been drunk, but they were personable and fun. Fica showed up as well (didn't know him before that night), and he was also a very nice, social guy. He had to run off to pick up food from elsewhere for his woman, though, so he was only around a short while. This, by the way, is the awesome "Doc."

After Doc's we went for ice cream and barely scraped by getting into Marble Slab by roughly four minutes. They let us in, though, and even allowed me to use their very clean bathroom. Marble Slab > Baskin Robbins. OMG SO MUCH. We sat on the curb and talked some more, but it quickly turned to midnight so we parted ways.

Saturday (7/26): Moving Day! I got a gchat message from Rachel early in the morning, so I decided to get a jump on the day 'round 8:30. I was on the road to Forest Hills by 9. I took some pictures of the empty apartment, and then Tim & Rachel showed up and we cleaned and unloaded the car. The movers arrived shortly thereafter and they took about an hour to do their thing. We set some stuff up, like furniture in the living room and such. Tim unpacked his room, but I imagine it was due to the sheer easiness with the very few things he actually moved. Rachel cleaned her heart out, which I am quite grateful for. Not that I would have gone as far as she, but I didn't really have to clean much at all.

Living Room, before and after:

We all went out for lunch and had Latino at a place called Cabana. A beer and some lunch was exactly what was needed, although it made me kinda sleepy after the fact. Tim and Rachel left shortly thereafter and I showered and put some sheets on Chris's bed. Then I sat down to write Chris a note, which turned into a full-fledged letter. But all the same, it's good stuff. I met up with Mike and we went food shopping and then had some dinner at his apartment. Chris called while I was there, and I gave him the run-down that he was moved but would have a little unpacking work cut out for him, and talked a little more about my time in Florida and how things were going. He then went on about his trip and how amazing and awesome it was and just how alive he felt, and I'm really glad he got so much out of it. They're out of the wilderness, so I'll likely be hearing from him again tonight and potentially tomorrow as well. After that though, I'll see him on Tuesday. I decided it would just be easier to go there Tuesday night & Wednesday night (staying until Friday morning, as I have no work on Thursday and I would like to see Vinny during the day that day), rather than have him go to-and-from my house. It'll be cute, like playing house (apartment?) for a week. I haven't mentioned it to him yet, because it's far enough away that I don't have to, but I'd like for him to come out by me on Friday though, so we can go to Owen's birthday "cookout" Friday night. Then he goes up to Ossining Saturday morning for a 2-day D&D thing. I'm going to stay here, which is so very weird. Aside from while he's been away, we haven't not spent a weekend together since...that time it snowed so bad he just couldn't get down here. But I've Alex's BBQ on Saturday, and the movies with Amy on Sunday, and I'll be back in Forest Hills either Monday or Tuesday, so whatever. This might actually resemble a standard relationship at some point. I...I'm floored. ;)

Anyway, Mike & I headed to Sissy McGinty's for Ian's birthday, which was fun. I do miss seeing very many of those people, and hope I get the chance to more often when I start "living" in Queens. I'd like to see Christine most of all, though. What's amazing is that I know she feels exactly the same way about me. And I won't publicly explain why, because I just don't need to.

I stayed until around 3, and was quite fortunate in getting a train immediately after descending to the platform. I was "home" and asleep by 4.

Sunday (7/27): I got up somewhere after 10 and did a couple of things around the apartment before heading out. I had to bail on the matinee with Amy though because I was still in Queens when she called and wasn't going to be able to get home in time to go that early. We scheduled for later in the day, but she called shortly before leaving to cancel because her 13-year old dog was terrified of the thunderstorms and no one else was home to take care of her. So we rescheduled for next Sunday and I took a nap. We lost power for a few hours, but it didn't bother me much because I was obviously asleep for most of it. I tried to capture rain on film, because it was just torrential, but that's just one'a those things cameras suck at.

When I woke up I studied a bit for my test tomorrow, which is a little tough. It's "only" sleep class, but the hardest material is this stuff--the bio stuff. What affects what kind of sleep and what organs are responsible for them...yikes! I'll study again at work and then just before the test, so I'll do okay, but I might not get the 100% Sue is expecting from me.

I also tried to make some kind of tuna casserole thing today, but I cheated and failed somewhat. It wound up being tuna, string beans, mushrooms and parmesan cheese mixed into pasta. It's a little on the dry side. It's edible though, and that's all that counts...for now...until I try to make something for other people.

And for now, I'm going to go "belf" with Mike for a little while. I was hoping while I wrote this Chris would call, but he's obviously busy and I don't blame him for being caught up in Colorado stuffs. I'm definitely going to start adding pictures to these blogs, because I have so many, but not tonight. Probably tomorrow. I put it on my "to do" list. :o)

Back Home (a/k/a Day 3 of no contact)

2008-07-23T01:42:00.003-04:00

I haven't spoken to Chris since Saturday night (hence "Day 3 of no contact") and I'm holding up nicely, I feel. I've been crazy busy though, with no real time to stop & think.

Today was a shit-ton of work, followed by a race home and mad dash to the LIRR, which too two hours to get from Lindenhust to Penn Station. TWO. HOURS. Jo & I made it to the Yankee game just shy of 8, but with enough time to see the Twins get ahead and the Yanks crush them, have beers, a hot dog, some cracker jacks and a good time. Don't even get me started on the DILF. Yes, it's what it sounds like. Oh, and here's Jeter's ass:

I made the train home by about...45 seconds, and had a interesting conversation with a family on the A train. Part of me will like being in the city again, and thankfully that'll be the part that bops around the city. The Long Island in me gets to continue to commute (not so sure I trust the LIRR as much though, these days).

So I've been home about an hour and all I've done is read a few emails and fight with my AC adapter and look for my warranty info (which is non-existent; I only have a packing slip that says "3 year limited warranty" -- I hate the word 'limited'). The good news is that the paper I thought I would have to be writing right now...is due on Friday. I love having a teacher that's not-so-punctual. It's really helped me out thus far. I will no longer abuse it, soon as I catch up between tomorrow & Thursday.

And now, it is almost 2 and I need to be up at 8, so this is good night for now.

(But I do miss Chris a lot.)

Florida Day 3 recap

2008-07-23T01:37:00.003-04:00

My new(er) Dell's AC adapter bit the big one, so I can't use that computer at all until I get a new one. Hopefully, it'll be covered under the 3-year warranty I had purchased with the machine. Until then, pictureless, short blogs, which can be expanded and photoized (a new word I just made up) later.

My last day in FL was awesome. We went to the beach and saw a dolphin and laid out and swam and I filled my 22 oz. Blue Moon bottle with Florida sand. Then we had lunch at an awesome little place that had the best burger. I am always on the hunt for a good blackened/cajun burger, and this place had it. Topped with provolone and bacon -- ohmigod I'd go back just for that. I had more Blue Moon, 'cause I can't seem to get enough of that stuff, and then went back to Meagan's to pack.

I'm shocked at my ears on the flight home. They didn't hurt...at all. Bizarro. The view of the sunset was absolutely spectacular. I wrote some on the plane, but literally hand-wrote, so I may or may not transcribe to here later.

Joana and I went out for dessert and coffee after I got back, and I was out in Queens until just after midnight. I got home 'round one, unpacked, and went straight to sleep.

(More info & pictures to come when I get the new lappy chargeable.)

Florida Day 2

2008-07-21T01:28:00.006-04:00

Meagan had to work today, so the initial plan was that I would be left the car and she would go in with Blanton. When I awoke, though, that was not how it had panned out. There was a note for me to call when I got up so I could be picked up. That’s not really what I had been looking to do, so I just didn’t call. I decided to read some of my homework on the porch instead. But about an hour later I got a text from Meg telling me to call whenever I wanted. I explained back, in text as well, that I was really just looking to cruise around until I found something worth going to, but without the car I would just wait until she got back. Oddly enough, I meant every word, and I wasn’t the usual Linda-upset that things didn’t go specifically as according to plan. It may have been some sort of itty bitty step for me, but I was proud. I opted to hang out on the porch with Apryl for a bit (see picture upon posting), but then went inside when it seemed like she wanted to.

There I read a little more and fell asleep a few pages in. I had a dream that Raab had hacked into my computer but I later found out that it was just Sean, and I had given him the passwords (silly me, huh?). I went back to reading, but failed again as a second nap prevailed. I finally forced myself up somewhere near 2 and did work for Sue. I entered a decent amount of surveys before realizing I’d need to write my blog from last night soon if I also wanted to shower and be ready by 5, which I managed. I tried to chat with ‘Stine and Mike in the interim, but I’m fairly certain ‘Stine didn’t want to hear my schpiel on love surveys and Mike couldn’t chat via text. I managed to neglect Ryan too because I was trying to accomplish so many other things at the same time.

Anyway, Meg got home at 5 and I drank a beer and we hung out for a short while before heading to downtown St. Augustine. It was quite the adorable little town when we got there, though. I took a few pictures and we went to a few shops. I bought two tank tops that were too small (but will stretch if I remove the seam) and two long skirts and a pair of earrings and a cheap ring (that needs some nail polish on it to be wearable). Then we had an awesome dinner at A1A Ale Works. I had two mojitos, a cup of the curry chicken & vegetable soup, we split some wings, and a Cobb Salad and a glass of Pinot Gris (as per Joe it is not called Pinot Grigio unless it is from Italy). Meg had two Bacardi & diet cokes, some wings and a southwest chicken salad and a glass of the same. We talked…about any and everything. The past, love, boys, school, work, life, friends, etc. It was a very good time. We stopped at a convenience store on the way home because Meg wanted smokes, but I stumbled upon a 22oz. of Blue Moon, which made me feel classy-trashy as I drank it out of a bag in Meg’s car. It began as a joke: “want a big beer for the car?” “haha, no….wait, is that BLUE MOON?!” Meg got a Corona and we scoured for a bottle opener. I found an 89-cent thingy somewhere; Meg found a six-dollar ice scooper one. We went for the 89-cents-er, but had to talk her down from buying the hilarious one.

We decided to stop and finish our beers at a “spot” near her house, but on the way a cop turned around and followed us, which was a little creepy. I began finagling beer stories. I covered my beer, put it in my door storage, and claimed the Corona in the console was mine. Meg wanted me to toss it out the window, but I thought that too risky with a cop so close behind us. He made the next left with us, and when we made the following right, he made a left and we sighed heavily with relief. The break at the little lake she calls her “spot” was the perfect thing we needed after that. As it turns out, there were about 90% more cops out tonight than every other night. Weird for a random Sunday evening.

When we got back to her house, I had been almost done with my beer, so Meg opened a Stella and chatted with me for another hour or so. We went outside so she could have another cigarette (by the way, her smoking is something I was completely unaware of until this trip) and then we parted ways for bed.

It was an exceptionally good night, and I’m so very happy to be here. I wish I wasn’t leaving tomorrow, but any longer would likely be overkill anyway. Tomorrow’s plan is sleep in, then go to the beach (if there’s time stop at the pool), clean up and head to the airport. I’m sad and happy at the same time, but it’s totally cool.

Megan said something tonight about being able to live with me. Joana has said the same thing. Thing is, I get along about the same with both of them, but with no one else. So I guess that makes Meg one of my bestest, even if we only talk every few months and see each other every other year. Even if that is the case, it’s pretty cool to be able to “pick up” where we left off with someone without a second thought.

Florida Day 1 (in a nutshell)

2008-07-20T15:43:00.007-04:00

got up 'round 10, had breakfast and watched the news with Meggie.

went to the pool at Blanton's place sometime near 11:30 and alternated between laying out and "dipping" for about an hour or so, at which point some of the guys from the office and Blanton came home and the drinking began. Dipping and laying out continued another about another hour and a half. The places that I applied sunblock to (mind you, it's SPF FIFTEEN), did not get any color. My back and upper thighs...did. I look unbalanced and silly.

We then headed to "the club" which is actually the Club at Hammock Beach, who Meg, Blanton, and basically everyone else I met works for. They are a very upscale resort, with a fire pit, golfing, adult and kiddie pools, hot tubs, a lazy river, a water slide, and condos. Awesome, gorgeous condos. It is an "oceanfront community." In any event, I drank a pina colada in the pool, went down the water slide twice and took away the chill in the hot tub before the clouds threatened rain.

We had no sooner left the resort when the skies opened with big fat raindrops. The plan was to hit Matanzas Innlet Restaurant for dinner to enjoy the gorgeous view. I'd been told not to go there for the food. But the rain prohibited the scenic view and we ate there anyway, as a group with Meagan and Blanton, Todd and his guests Joe and Chelsea, Lance and Kim and eventually Chad, who didn't come to eat, but hang out. I had some delicious blackened tilapia. Really, the food was awesome and I would easily go there again for both the food and the scenery, which we got to see some of. After we ate, the sky had cleared up so we went out back and took a few pictures. I will post them as well when I have the time to.
Addendum: pictures take forever to upload & move, so here's one:

From Matanzas we went to Sunset Grill for birthday drinks for two of "everyone's" friends, Cameron and ... dammit I forgot who the other person was, but I'm certain I wished them both a happy birthday. I finally got my Blue Moons in, three of 'em, but I was too far removed from previous drinks for them to make any significant difference. We left around 11:30pm and I was asleep by 1. Odd for me; it must have been a long day. I don't know how I'm going to break the nap habit!

I also managed to get my borrowed $20 back from Todd, which is an interesting story all on its own, but alas I cannot go into detail at this time. I am in dire need of a shower and will be heading to St. Augustine for a walk through downtown and dinner with Meagan in a mere hour.

Before I run off, though, I talked to Chris for a little while last night, and it was our last conversation for seven days. He said he got my "bookmark" and that he took a picture of it, which made me happy (it was a little piece of paper I wrote "I <3 you! (and I miss you!) -Linda" on). He talked about interesting people he met on the train, how much less nervous he is now, how I should definitely hear from him Saturday night, but if not by Sunday night, to worry. That was not so reassuring, but I'm sure he'll be fine. As will I. (I have to keep reminding myself that.) No matter how many plans I've made and how many people I will see, there will still be a part of me that misses him, and is sad, and there just isn't a way to turn that off. But it's okay, because it's not abnormal. And I'm still glad we have this time apart.

I don't miss home just yet (it's only been a day and a half!), but I think I would if I moved down here, something I toss around in my head for prospective grad school locales. Two years is a long time though, so I imagine I needn't think about this just yet.

Off to hit the shower (and it's nice to have my own room and bathroom as well, by the way)!

blog of an airplane ride from LGA to JAX

2008-07-19T02:51:00.006-04:00

Well, today was certainly a brighter day; luckily, I just couldn’t contain the excitement I built up for going to Florida to see Megan. Not that I wanted to squash it anyway.

I went about my day as usual, work at 9; a complete rush through the day just to get what I needed done. I’m going to try not to lose sleep over the few (and by few I mean ~a dozen) patients that need continued auth and are likely to have a lapse in authorization because I didn’t get to them fast enough. I basically skipped a week of checking and because of that I’m a week behind and cutting it very close. But alas, I am on vacation- er, holiday, and will not stress myself over crazy shit I cannot control.

Chris called while I was gushing on about him to Pat. He was apparently in Chicago, attempting to get to the Sears Tower to climb it before their next train. I neglected to ask later if they’d accomplished their feat. I’m sure I’ll find out when he gets back. Plus, there’ll certainly be pictures.

So I left work at 3, got gas and cash, and sat in traffic as is the way it works when I get in my car. But I made it to Queens in time to fill my prescription (birth control) and grab some dinner (a BCB at a diner across the street from the CVS that was handling my drogas) before Sean & Joana got home. We hung out for a bit at their place, and headed to LGA ‘round 6:30. Chris called again while we were en route. I still can’t believe how mushy and happy I get just hearing his voice. He quite adorably told me he loved me before getting off the phone, and iced the friggen’ cake. I’m sure my feeling about it will change, and I’m also sure being on a plane to Florida has something to do with it, but I feel as though I have a balance in the missing him/enjoying this time to myself department. I’m happy he’s out doing something good for him. And I need this to be healthy.

Anyway, I got to the airport around a quarter to seven. I figured it might take about a half an hour to check in and hit a bar for a bloody mary. Changes to that plan: it took about 6 minutes to check in, and they were margaritas, not bloody marys (and there were two of them). I was under the impression I had never been to LGA before, but as it turns out, ‘Stine & I flew to Vegas from there, and the mini-Chili’s was quite familiar. Go Delta. Anyway, a blonde having a bad day sits down at the bar next to me and asks the bartender to put on the Yankee game. She refuses. Apparently the sports bar down the way was the same: only CNN for us. Lou Dobbs or Lou Dobbs were the options. The Blonde gets a beer. I get a margarita. I also get IDed. She did not. “Great, I look older than you,” she comments, and leaves immediately after drinking her Bud Light. I, however, stay for a second nine-dollar tropical sunrise goodness- er, margarita. I jotted down my proposal (paper for class) notes before the first one made it to my head, at least. I will write it up on Sunday and email it to Sue to make sure it’s cool I stick with the plan I’ve come up with. That way I will be able to begin the 17-day self-sleep study upon my return.

My next companion at the bar is a Brit on his way to Alabama. From London, and in NY for business in hedge funds, Mr. No Name at least provided for intelligent, amusing conversation until it was time to hover at the gate and wait for the herds to be let out. Fifteen minutes late. But hey, for Delta, that seems to be a record.

And let out we were. To a bus. That took our lazy asses about 1000 feet away, to the itty bitty plane we then boarded. I am, as usual, sitting over the wing. Not that I’ve ever really cared, but on the return flight I’m in row three, so I know I definitely won’t be over the wing. I have the side with the moon, though, which is just…amazing. I cannot believe, from inside a decently lit airplane, through a scratched, cloudy window, how bright the moon is.

We’re low enough to the ground that my ears thus far have neither pained me nor remained clogged. They have successfully been popping and have yet to cause me any problems. Descents are the issue though, and I’m fresh out of gum and unable to get to the Sudafed stashed in my bag. I honestly don’t believe gum and/or Sudafed do anything anyway, so I should be fine. If I’m not, I’ll relieve the tension through words, and it will be readable as soon as I publish this later tonight.

Before boarding, while waiting around for our flight status to change from “on time” to “you’re screwed,” I overheard some bit about not serving drinks or snacks on the flight, and consolidating bags. Figuring with the two margaritas under my belt, it’d be wise to invest in a non-alcoholic beverage and maybe a light snack, so I spent seven bucks on a soda and some snack mix. I find out on the flight that snacks and drinks are, in fact, being served. I was evidently listening to the recording for the Atlanta flight. Needless to say, I didn’t accept any of the snacks or drinks when our Irish flight attendant came ‘round offering them up. I felt as if I should’ve, though. Seems like…I paid for the flight, and I might as well get the snacks that accompany it. Plus, people that refuse the offerings are…weird. I shouldn’t be so surprised I was one of them tonight.

Additionally, our bathroom is out of service. Well, that’s not entirely true. Emergency bathroom trips are accepted…with a flashlight. It’s evidently against regulations to allow passengers to use a bathroom without functioning lights. And our lavatory lights are less than functional. I don’t think they’d get away with allowing us to board the plane were it a larger sized one. There are only fifty people on here, so the likelihood of an emergency bathroom run is pretty slim. (But not unheard of: two people have used it thus far. I know, because I’m a row away from it.)

Another flight regulation is the nothing in lap/nothing out from underneath the seat in front of you rule (during takeoff and landing). I’d like to know the logic behind that one. I have this big ol’ backpack I thought was going to have to be stowed. I would’ve fought it, but I’d like to know why I can’t put my purse on my lap if I so choose.

Awkwardly, we needed two additional passengers in the back of the plane. It’s a little scary, yes, to hear the flight attendant ask if two volunteers from the front of the plane could move to the back to “level the weight distribution.” Come on, that’s not a little creepy?! I guess that also comes with the small airplane territory. I happen to like these little guys though. I say that now, as the turbulence begins. Bouncing planes are creepy, but they remind me too much of trains, so minor turbulence doesn’t bother me. And I’ve ridden the Metro North, so even more moderate turbulence isn’t really a nuisance.

Anyway, Megan kind of scared me when I told her I was taking a baby airplane, but my ears are so sensitive I will take any potential negative aspects of mini-planes to salvage my sanity and eardrums.

A majority of the people I’ve spoken to this evening have been foreigners. I get it, I was in an airport, but most of them have been on my flight, which is domestic. The couple behind me, the guy sitting next to me (who played a song on his iPod that I want: “something to rely on” are the lyrics), even the flight attendant are from not-here. I’m bad at accents, so I can’t tell you where anyone might be from, but the flight attendant is was born in Cork, which is awesome. I am reminded of my grandmother, and even if that is a subconscious comfort thing I need to feel better about being all the way up here in the air, I’m fine with that. I also took “Angel” by Sarah MacLaughlin playing on the radio in my car when I left Chris at the train station as a sign of comfort and support. I was trying so hard not to cry, I would’ve taken anything that might be construed as a "sign", but that was a pretty good one. Thinking my grandmother (or her spirit? Or memory? Or legacy?) is here with me makes life a little easier sometimes.

::Laugh:: (it was a light laugh; no one stared.) I knew writing this would take up enough time that this flight wouldn’t seem long. We should be landing in about twenty minutes. The seatbelt light is still off, so I don’t think we’re descending yet, but it feels a little like we are, which would be totally cool. Writing my day/thoughts/etc. really takes up some time. I’m glad I do this thing for me every day (or so). I’ve two things left I wanted to contemplate, but I will save them for tomorrow as this blog is certainly long enough as it is, and no one is going to read it in its entirety at this point. Not that I really mind; it’s ultimately for me.

Here’s to landing safely in Florida within the next half hour and seeing my Megan again after two years!

Addendum: Ten minutes later. We are definitely beginning to descend, say my ears. However, we are above a thunderstorm, which looks really fucking scary from this high. I mean totally completely awesome, yes, but still really fucking scary. We’re in the sky, with random flashing electrical charges. Oh my God. I don’t’ even know how to calm myself down, nor do I know how to stop myself from staring out the fucking window. Here I was, worried about Chris and Colorado thunderstorms. At his moment, I know he’ll be fine, and I’m scared for my own life. The guy next to me seems like he’d coach me through whatever shit happens though, and I’m thankful for that.

Also, with regard to my ears? OW. Maybe the lightning is just the distraction I need. I’m torn between holycraparemyearsbleeding?! and fuckingelectricityrightnexttous! I could use some of that gum about now.

At Megan's. Pictures later, though. I'm lucky enough to get a connection to the interwebs in this place. Although, I must admit, "this place" is absolutely gorgeous!

I was wrong. TODAY was the worst traffic I've ever been in.

2008-07-17T23:46:00.005-04:00

Day .5. I took 10 pictures at the friggin' train station. I cried when the train pulled away from the station. I. Am. Pathetic.

Chris said he'd call me tonight, but I completely understand why he didn't. I miss him already, but I'll be fine.

Anyway, today was basically Chris packing, me off doing my own thing (scrabble, bike-riding), then hanging out for an hour or so together, then driving him to the train station. Afterward, I came home, had a bloody mary, dinner with mom, did some work and then cleaned my room and packed and drank my pretty little head off.

But yes, the traffic was horrendous. Two hours and fifteen minutes for an hour trip. /wrists. (I know you'll like that one, Ry.)

I'll refrain from schpieling the same shit I started to give Ryan about a cross between hot and dorky. I apologize for giving him shit to begin with.

I'm tired now; it's just after 1am. I'm packed and ready to go. Tomorrow I will head from work to Joana's and travel solo again, something I enjoyed but forgot how to do. I will be sad. But there will be bloody marys. And I don't care how bad that sounds; I will rely on them. They are my flying beverage.

Twelve days will disappear before I even know it. And if I don't get a single phone call, I promise not to be mad. 'Cause absence does make the heart grow fonder, and I appreciate Chris moreso now than yesterday.

Im'a use his Blackberry though while he's away.

Here's him, all dolled up:

I can not believe how much love I have for this man. He'd never know it.

(potentially) last trip to Ossining = longest trip ever.

2008-07-16T22:19:00.006-04:00

I have never seen so much traffic as I did today. But that's okay, because I will likely never have to drive to Ossining again.

I found myself a hypocrite today. I mean, it's something I toss around from time to time, but today...today I was aware of it. Some Facebook friend (read: person I know but not close enough to consider a "friend") has gotten engaged about a month ago, and every status message I have seen thus far since then has been about either a) her fiancee, or b) something relating to the wedding. Now, I know that if they are engaged they are happy, so why am I so cynical about the whole thing? I mean, every time someone gets engaged I think how it will probably fall apart in the end anyway...and why not? so many marriages do. There are a few people (two of whom read this, and they know who the are) who I honestly believe will remain in happy long-lasting marriages, but so many others I can honestly say I believe will fail.

That being said, I could easily see how someone (read: the chick) could get swept up in the hype of wedding things, ignoring the rest of the world. But I resent it, and I'm not sure why. It's as though the expectation has created a high with nowhere to go but down.

Where the hypocrisy comes in: I've no idea who I am, or who I've been the past week or so. The idea of the eventual (and sooner than later if it should actually come to be in September, which still seems to me like an idea only I am absolutely enamored by) co-habitation of myself and Chris in his apartment has blocked out negativity. It feels...fake. Yes, I had made a vow to abolish the negativity in the first place, but that's exceptionally easy to do when there is something waiting in the wings that's...a step forward, a progression. It's clouded my judgment, I think, and made everything else out to be next to, if not completely, insignificant. And that's what I think engagements to do people. They are so focused on this one good thing, this one progression, that everything else in the world could matter less. But what happens when it's over? The novelty wears off, as with most things. It seems almost like a natural process. Boy & girl start dating, it gets boring, they decide to move in together and it's exciting again. Then it gets old and boring again and they get engaged so it returns to exciting. Marriage follows until that as well gets to be just as mundane, so they pop out a child. I don't think anyone thinks about it along those terms, but I'm of the belief the subconscious is aware of this underlying need for something new. Then again, if not for that, when would be the time for a "next step"? How does one know they should or that they are ready? Maybe that's why there's so much failure in the world: we're just guessing. And we're not very good at it.

(P.S. I bike-rode the fun way at school: through the woods. Here's what it looks like:)

my blog/journal/weblog with daily world news and thoughts from life

2008-07-15T10:07:00.007-04:00

"WTF?" you ask? I couldn't think of anything to call this blog. Maybe I should've waited until it was written to decide, but instead I looked for help. It wasn't what I was expecting, so I just took that dude's advice and went with the title that had the most popular potential.

Anyway, it's around that time I do this blogging thing, which is also known as "too late" so I will try to keep this to a minimum (read: lose complete track of time).

I created today's post this morning to remind myself to write about a few things, but I now realize I should have "saved as draft" instead of publishing, this way when I actually publish, it will be at the proper time. Ah, well, I learned something new today.

Actually, I leaned a lot of stuff today. Sleep stuff (for class) and love stuff (like people's opinions, which HIPAA does not allow me to disclose) and things about me.

First, though, I went to work feeling like garbage. I hadn't napped the day before and last night I only managed 5-5 1/2 hours or so of sleep, which is no longer okay with my body. Coupled with allergies, I was quiet, removed from the rest of the world, with a heavy head and heavy eyes and a desire only for sleeping. I tried not to let it get to me, though, and for the most part, I succeeded. I may have been a little short with one or two people on the phone. I tried to attribute it to them, but I have a feeling I set the tone wayyy more often than I am aware. I also had to pull Pat out of a negative place when someone called & hung up twice in a row and she vowed, "one more time..." Not that she would've done anything, but she was all riled up about it. I had to explain that just a week ago I tried calling one of my doctors with my Bluetooth headset, but it was half dead and the mic wasn't working. So they picked up and couldn't hear me and hung up. When I tried again, it was the same thing. I suggested it could just be a simple circumstantial issue and that she shouldn't get upset about it. She "oh, all right"ed me, but I could tell she just didn't want to hear it. I don't care; I felt better having said it; even moreso having thought it.

I went to Lowe's after work to fix the key they screwed up yesterday for the Queens apartment. (This picture was taken at a light at Hallock Road and Rt. 347. I was gazing while waiting for the light to change, and was amazed by just how puffy the clouds looked. So I snapped a photo.) [I have a difficult time calling it Chris's apartment, so I usually use the article "the" instead of "his" "our" "my" etc. It depends on who I'm talking to though, honestly. To Chris, it's usually "the" and sometimes "your." To people I'm not incredibly close to, it's "the" most often. And to those I'm all gushy about it with, it's "ours" and sometimes "my" with the notion that "my" refers to "our." I have issues. o_O] Anyway, their policy is to refund the bad key and have me get another one made, which is what I did. Interestingly, young buff Italian guy in hardware remembered me from yesterday. What's funny is all I could remember thinking of him was, "ugh. so...stereotypical Long Island." :p I went to self-checkout my one item and after paying for it I accidentally moved my hand over the scanner while trying to take off the back to the key and put it on my keyring. So it scanned it. And I needed an associate to come rescue me from double-charging myself. It happened to be the creepy guy that refunded my $1.60 when I got to the store. I embarrassingly explained the situation, but he looked at me as though people do this all the time and he couldn't understand why I was embarrassed, and maybe...just maybe I had two heads. I left.

I got home and crashed like my body craved. I promised myself I would bike when I got up (and I did!), but I just needed rest. So I must have slept for the usually 1.5-2 hours and then forced myself up by 7:00. I did go on a bike ride, but it was counter-productive: I went to taco bell and had some nachos and a spicy chicken burrito. However, that was my "meal of the day." Other food items included a pop tart and some sun chips. So I hopefully didn't go over the 2K max calories for the day what with all the cheese and spicy sauce and whathaveyou. Quite unlikely.

When I came back home it felt as though my stomach was upset, but I think I was just super-dehydrated. I need to look up the symptoms of dehydration; I think they would be good to know. And would you look at that: it's own website! Anyways, I watered up and got to work. I entered 50 student surveys into an excel spreadsheet in an hour. But I wasn't sure about some of the coding, so I emailed the researcher (a/k/a my teacher) and asked what it should be. When she got back to me, I changed the ones I had coded incorrectly and did another 25 entries for another half hour of work. There's only 330 surveys in total, and at least fifty of them were done already, so that will be the end of my work-at-home work. :( I wish I worked slower; I really do.

In between work sessions and after I was done with it, I read the material for tomorrow's class. Interesting sleep stuff. Theta and alpha and beta waves, and EOGs and EEGs and lions and tigers and bears. I'm interested to see a human subject in REM sleep, but my only potential subject is Chris, and I'd actually have to be awake when he were in REM. This, I fear, would be difficult. Semi-relatedly, Joana and I were talking the other day, and I have to warm up to the idea of going to bed, like, two hours earlier than him. Granted, I haven't lived with many people, but I don't think I've ever gone to bed at a different time than Rob. I recall making him stay up with me to watch Robot Chicken at midnight and then getting mad when his head would roll back and his eyes would close. I laugh now, but man was I fucking crazy. Poor guy.

I ended this fine evening by packing a few things to wear on Thursday so I can head to Ossining immediately following school tomorrow. It still hasn't hit me that in less than 48 hours Chris is getting on a train that will take him away and keep him away for twelve days. Yes, I'm doing tons of stuff to keep myself busy while he's gone, including moving things around the apartment with Tim & Rachel, but I am going to miss him terribly. I was actually wandering around my room tonight looking for a "token" of me to give him for his trip. Then I thought, "what if he doesn't want one?" and stopped looking. It's not like I'm bringing a Chris memento to Florida this weekend, so why would he be bringing a Linda one to Colorado? Sometimes the romantic in me is exceeded by the logic. Good thing, too, or I would actually be sad about that.

I also chopped veggies.

Broccoli was so one of them. My mom asked me to earlier and I gave her the "uh, busy!" response. But once I wasn't, I had no excuse, so I did it. Two full large containers of squash, zucchini, red peppers, broccoli and cauliflower. Wish I were gonna be around to eat all that yummy stuffs. I'll steal some on Thursday & Friday at the very least. :)

And that brings me to now. I am again, tired, and going to allow Mr. Obama to charm me to sleep via The Audacity of Hope.

The "thoughts" I had this morning that I wanted to roll with are on the following, but as I had a day full o'stuffs to write about, I will leave my little list here and hopefully touch on those things soon enough.
- writing language
- sleepiness/napping vs. mood/attitude
- mom
- counter-balancing moods

a day (or several) late and a dollar (or several) short.

2008-07-15T00:20:00.005-04:00

this weekend is excused! I was in Albany both Friday and Saturday nights, and then Ossining until 1:30am last night. The down side to my not writing is that I am not as eager to discuss things of days past. Maybe that's the sleepy talking. I didn't get around to this blog until now (12:21am) and I neglected to nap today (unless nodding off on the highway and during scrabble games counts). So, obviously, my eyes and brain and body are going "just stop already!" Fighting it is not fun.

Briefly, though, 'cause I'll forget if I don't remind myself:

Friday: drive up to Albany. Hibachi (yum & fun!). Card games & beer at Tanner's house. I did not play, but I got the gist of the game watching. By the second game I was too tired to make sense let alone play. However, I think I'd enjoy that game were I able to comprehend the card combinations fast enough. I'd have to play it with a large group of patient people. I'm not sure where to find them.

Saturday: Jared & Lisa's wedding party/picnic. Decent food. Decent beers. Lots of people. Too many wedding photos. A pool for the swimmings. Yummy cake, cupcakes, brownies. Fireworks. A brief period of antisocial Linda (too many people for too long I attribute it to. This only child needs some group therapy, methinks). Then Wall-E in a group of 6 (myself, Chris, Sean, Erin, Adam & Steve). Cuuuute movie. Not the hype I'd made it out to be in my head due to multiple reviews from friends, but still cute. That one was on Juliette (gift card from my birthday). Back to Tanner's for sleepies.

ADDENDUM: I can not believe I forgot this part. Camp Rising Sun. Best explained in Sean's Blog. Creepy. Stuff.

Sunday: breakfast with the group. 14 of us at a diner-w00t. Went to Dick's afterward to get Chris some hiking boots/shoes last minute (he leaves Thursday... /sadcry). Linda got cranky waiting. Drove back to Ossining with Steve. Linda remained cranky (and anxious) until a nap was made possible. Immediately following nap Linda was A-OK. Got back to Chris's and napped for three hours. Woke up, Chris played WoW, Linda messed around on her computer for a few hours, made up dinner plates of Chinese food, pondered the location of her Sleep Class textbook. Then Chris & Linda cleaned out some of Chris's stuff and packed a box for the big relocation to Forest Hills.

(When did I start talking about myself in the third person? It's very inconsistent.)

Also, I found the Sleep text that night when I got home. Where was it, you ask? On. My. Bookshelf. That is seriously the last place I would think I would put it, just because I was going to need it so soon. How the crap was I supposed to know what the binding looked like! Ah, well, there it was, and here it is:Monday (today!): Worked 9-1. Went to class at 1:30--I still think I'm going to like this one. Turns out Danielle is in it. Danielle was in my Cognition class in the Spring. It was surprising to receive a text message that said "turn around," when I got to class and sat down. Class was just an intro, really; then I had a break before the RA meeting. I learned how to do data entry. ::laugh:: It's mostly funny because I used to do data entry as an occupation. I'm shooting to get a credit for it, but I think that means I have to enroll in the "class." I need to find out this information. I got keys to the apartment made after the meeting, one of which did not work when I got there to try them out. So I will be taking a trip to Lowe's tomorrow to fight to have a new key made for freez0rs. My Joana met me at the apartment, loved it, loved even more that I would be living in it soon enough, like, full-time, and then we walked around (got me some food and some starbucks, but she was having dinner made for her) so I could learn the ways of Forest Hills. I was home by 9. For the next four hours I apparently did nothing but read emails, play scrabble, talk to Christine, and certify myself through some website to be an RA. I would have liked to started "working" tonight (I brought the info home for the data entering), but Ryan neglected to send me the spreadsheet & key, so I couldn't. I imagine it's his way of sabotaging my work so that I can't get enough done to get the other half of work he wouldn't let me have. SO GODDAMN FRUSTRATING.

Anyway, today was good on the whole. I feel like I did a lot and I still had time for the relaxing. And I get more and more excited about Queens every time I go there. I'd like to try to start the "monthly train ticket" experiment come September, when school starts, but first I need to get my schedule ok'ed through work (pending; email was sent today) and confirm with the John boys that we're cool with that. I'm still not sure how I'm going to get over using the bathroom, by the way. I say that in jest, but I swear I mean it too.

I meant to take pictures of the empty apartment, but completely forgot. I think I managed ONE on my phone, so if I do actually have it, I will upload it and add it to this post when I add the others (one per day, I swear), which is just not right now. I'm tired, and it's almost 1am, and I have to be up by 8 and I'm soooo not used to not napping. The good news is that I will probably have some time tomorrow for the napz0rs. Also, I need to stop adding "z0rs" to the end of words. It's annoying.

Good night. Sorry for any incoherent rambling. You can't imagine how tired I am. Really. ::passout::

right turn only

2008-07-10T21:57:00.008-04:00

what a day, what a day! 'twas busy, but not bad. not bad at all.

I realize now that I'd no real reason to go to school today. Basically, I wasted 50 miles of gas. Y'see, it was the last day of class, and all that was going on was the third exam. I did not have to take this exam as my grades thus far have been 23.5/25 and 24/25, and my teacher only counts the best two out of three. However, because I neglected to take care of it over the course of the past six weeks, and didn't think I could use my next class' paper to meet the requirement, I needed to hand it a form I didn't have and had to obtain today in order to get "upper division writing requirement" credit for my final paper. So I went, and when I got to the parking lot on the edge of campus and proceeded to take the bike out of the trunk, pffthbt!, the back tire was mushy. Surprisingly, and much to my liking, I handled it well. I got back in the car, drove to the closer lot and walked to grab breakfast and study at the SAC (Student Activities Center) before running into a girl from class and having her accompany me on my errand and then to the classroom.

I'd like to point out here, as Chris has noticed and I have been too dense to figure out, we at Stony Brook University have buildings called the "Wang Center" and the "SAC." That is all.

I realized that I hadn't needed to go to class when my teacher told me she was surprised to see me there. I'm not sure I did better than my other two tests on this one, so it was likely not worth it, but oh well; what's been is done.

After class, as I had time, I walked back to my car (stopping to take a few photos along the way--1) fishes, 2) fishes, pond reflection, lilypads, 3) pretty flowers, 4) bath time), and headed to the bike shop where I dropped Rocky off. I've just named my bike Rocky. I don't know why. I went home and finished my paper for class and submitted it, along with the Curriculum Vitae my teacher asked the class to create for themselves and then emailed her back about becoming an RA (research assistant, not resident assistant). I might do some research over the summer and apply it towards when I join the RA staff in the Spring. My schedule won't allow for the work in the Fall.

I think I managed to get a 30-minute nap in before heading to the wonderful "woman" doctor. I didn't even need the Rx for more BC, but apparently they give it out free with every pap smear. They were still out of samples. I was still saddened by that fact.
I was in that office a total of an hour and a half. I am so absolutely spoiled by my former therapist and gynecologist's offices and my work office. They run...get this...on time. However, in this case, I sat in the waiting room for a little over a half an hour, then in an office for a little over a half an hour, then I was seen for ten minutes and it was over. Lame. I felt bad for the bike dude, though. He called at a quarter to five to tell me Rocky was ready and to get there by six. I had to explain that I had no control over when I was able to leave my doctor's office, but I would do my best to get there on time.

The good news is it only cost $16 to fix. It was a punctured tube. I had a big nail or screw or something in my tire. How it got there, I've no idea. I certainly don't ride around any industrial areas. But I guess I ride around Lindenhurst, and that's just about the same. Heh. The bad news is that it was $16. And I had just paid $25 for a doctor visit and $25 the week before for an audiologist visit. Eh, I'm going to have to pull money from savings anyway to hang in FL for three days next weekend, so what's the difference?

Oh my lord, I just realized I'm going to take my computer to Florida. This is the first time I have not even questioned that decision. I...I'm scared. Hold me.

Sorry, that was earth-shattering for me. Anyways. I got home from running around pretty late (say, 6-ish) and I had some cheese & crackers for dinner, caught up on my scrabble games and read a few articles posted from the workdaylist until I fell asleep yet again. I was awakened by my phone 'round 7:30; Chris called to talk about the apartment he almost has save for a credit check. I was caught off guard and my brain wasn't fully functioning, so we had a short and confusing conversation. I plan on explaining why I was "being difficult" next time I talk to him. I feel like such a tool for not saying something at the time. Sleep f's me up, apparently.

So having been just about stood up by James, who I planned on getting coffee and a slurpee with (slurpee for me, coffee for him), I decided to show up at/near his house and text him, so as not to be a complete crazy stalker woman. It worked. I jumped on Rocky (hotttt) and headed to mid-Lindy. I honestly thought I was going to have to chase his car all the way to my house when I saw him get in and head off. Apparently, he took "I'm at your corner" to mean I was on my way home. Weirdo. [James, if you're reading this like you said you were likely going to, Hi! ::wave::]
I dropped Rocky off in his yard and we walked to le 7-11, got our beverages, and continued to walk around. The new section of Fireman's Park was closed, much to my dismay (I've been trying to see it since it was completed a few months ago--I found out it's a 9/11 memorial as well), but I took pictures of the lake and some duckies instead, which seems to be a theme to today's shots.

It was dark when we got back to his house, so I took off, slightly hesitant to ride in the dark, but handled it just fine. Being a ten-minute bike ride, it wasn't so scary.

I haven't done much since, save for take more scrabble turns and write this blog. I also looked into LIRR fare/schedules from Forest Hills to Stony Brook, and though the cost would be cheaper than the gas ultimately, the schedule itself sucks ass. I'd have to get up just after 5am some mornings to take the hour and forty-five minute train ride to make my 8:20am class. I'm not sure I'm okay with that. I'd also have to make certain trains as they run every hour and half. And I'd have to figure out how to get to/from work, like on rainy days or snowy days when biking isn't really an option. And it's just not worth it to get a monthly train pass and drive now & again. So I guess those are out.

As this blog is entirely too long as it is, I just wanted to ramble-type about something that was on my mind earlier today. First, negativity. I wonder if being around negative people is a poor influence on my subconscious. I mean, I'm not always around negative people, but one of my closest friends is super-negative and I find it difficult to always try to cheer him up. If this is the case, is therapist the right profession for me? I'd have to know I'm strong enough and actually be strong enough not to let other people's shit get me down. I imagine it's likely my emotional investment in him that makes it more difficult, but I can't say for certain.

Secondly: low aspirations, lack of hope, needing drastic change (a/k/a "running away") -- what is it about these things that makes them so hard to see and get past? I mean, maybe I think I'm not-so-negative because in comparison to George*, I'm not. And I'm worried about him. He feels like Murphy is following him and because Theresa* wants to date the sleazebag she's dating and not him, he's worthless and that he needs to make some sort of drastic change in order to potentially find happiness. He also wants to do it to be able to say he did, which, IMO, is a dumb reason. But that's just my opinion, and not everyone would agree with that, obviously. I just...don't want to be there when he's disappointed that at the end of the rainbow is nothing but no more rainbow. At the same time I want to be there, because I don't know that he can handle that on his own. Hell, maybe he's stronger than that. I sure hope he is.

Well, now it's late (I breaked for a Chris call), and I need to pack for the weekend and do my nails ('cause I'm still a little girly). I hope I didn't bore any readers to tears. If I did, though, send me the tears.

Oh! Despite the plethora of photos from the day, I just have to include this one. Inspiration for the title of this blog:

Americans is so smarte.

OOH! This just in: I got a 25/25 on the test today. worth the trip, hoorays!
Aaaaand, I take that back; Ryan is a liar and I got a 24/25. Still good!

*Names have been changed. Just 'cause.

losing hope is easy

2008-07-09T23:18:00.000-04:00

No, I'm not being uber-pessimistic. I'm just quoting a Jack Johnson song. And now, I feel its time to tell the story I neglected to about a week ago.

A close friend of mine...what'd I name her, Mary? sure, Mary...Mary met a guy. A guy that makes her feel like no other. Mind you, she's semi-dating some other guy, but they're not very serious and they don't particularly have a future. But this guy is some kind of hopeless romantic. A John Cusack, mix-tape making, fucking Rico Suave. Good for her you'd think, right? Think again. Mr. Suave just happens to be eight years deep in a relationship and one year deep in an engagement. He also happens to be smitten by Mary.

Oh, Mr. O'Leary how you haunt me to this day. You see, a mere seven or so years ago, Mr. O'Leary stepped into my life. My warning upon meeting him? "Careful. He's got a girlfriend." The result of the charade: three years of hard-core mistressing. You know what that got me? A shitload of heartbreak and a ton of tears. Not to mention trust issues.

But my Mary. My darling, sweetheart precious Mary...she is going to fall into a trap. A bad bad, nasty, painful trap. Yes, I suppose it is her mistake to make, but god dammit if I can't prohibit the people I care most about from making the same ridiculously stupid mistakes I made. Eh, I guess it's like having kids, right? You can only try to guide them, you can't force them one way or the other, no many how many stupid mistakes you try to help them avoid.

*sigh* Nothin' I can do but try to be supportive, I s'pose. It's just hard to condone something I disagree with completely. Nevermind my own insecurities.

ANYway, I'd like to share a portion of what has kept me awake until at the very least 11pm two nights in a row. Though I couldn't manage to get my window open wide enough to get a picture of the actual work being done, I opted to photograph the huge mountain of fucking wood outside my house. Apparently, my neighbors are having night work done to their yard. I don't know if rates are cheaper from 6-11pm or something, but these guys have been sawing and hammering and loud-noising for two days now. Here's what they've compiled thus far:Other than that interesting bit of my day, the remainder was boring. I worked. I studied. I ate fish and veggies cooked by mom. I watched a movie. I talked to Chris. I played Scrabble. Man, am I exciting!

Hey, I like it.

Looking forward to the weekend as part of it will be spent in Albany. I like those guys. A lot. :)

better late than never

2008-07-09T02:08:00.001-04:00

I almost forgot to write today, but I guess it was, as I called it, quite a bi-polar day, so what can I say if I wanted to forget it? It was a fairly uninteresting day, although my teacher brought in chips and cookies and brownies (homemade) and we talked about grad school, which was utterly depressing. But I'm not going to think about that stuff or what might happen just yet, because I've plenty of time left at good ol' SBU before begging people to let me learn at their institution(s). I'm kind of hoping my life experience catches someone's eye. I only wish in all my years with high real estate rollers, someone would know someone that was a dean of a college or something. *shakes fist* damn you, corporate America!

After school I got my ass kicked at work.

After work, I took a nap.

After my nap, I called Chris and we talked/fought/discussed some stuff that needed to be said. It was productive, but pretty redundant, and I can't quite figure out why the same things keep coming up as problems (to me). He's not the only one annoyed by it. I keep hoping each time will be "it" and things will run fairly smoothly. Unfortunately, the longest I think I've managed to go without a "problem" is a few weeks. :( Hey. No point in being pessimistic about it; this time could very well be it. I am quite lucky to have a patient boyfriend.

After the call I avoided writing my paper for a few hours by talking to Joana (and Liz) online. My teacher caught me online as well, so I got to ask a few questions about my paper anyway. I eventually got down to it though, and finished the damn thing. So basically tomorrow I have to study for my last test, Thursday I can re-read & edit the paper and then send it in and as of Thursday evening my class will be completely over. But no worries, the next one will start on Monday. *shrug*

I've spent the hour since finishing the paper talking to a few people on AIM and getting access to some Arrested Development (w00t!)

I have no picture for the day, /sadcry, so I will offer something that amuses me in its stead: one of those magic eye things. I think it's called a stereogram. I'm also not going to tell you what it's of, but if you're smart and you still don't see it, you can figure it out anyway.

it's been a long day, always, ain't that right?

2008-07-07T21:34:00.001-04:00

Thank you, Rob Thomas, for allowing me not to think too hard for a blog title today. The good news: I'm writing two consecutive days in a row. The bad news: I've little to say.

Worked 9-2. It went...exceptionally smoothly. Anyone I asked for something, they said "sure, no problem," and did it. It was nice not to have to complain about how ridiculously retarded some people are.

Got home 'round 3:15. Read a few emails only to fully realize Chris & my apartment hunting is actually Chris's apartment hunting. It's something I knew but hoped wouldn't actually be the case. Whatever, it is, and I've opted to go numb in the face of it. I can only be thankful he was at least attempting to find a place semi-accommodative to my desires. Every once in a while I toss around the idea of looking some places up and trying to book appointments, but really this isn't about me, and it's best I just leave it alone.

I bike rode out the frustration over the situation, to Blockbuster to return Juno. I found a few coke caps. O glorious day. I decided to snap this photo while I was out, because it reminded me of the first Chris. The one I think might be named Chris Barton, but then again probably isn't. Mom and I call him Chris Carni, because that's what he was. The carni that I lost my virginity to and wanted to get married when I was 18. I wonder what life would be like if I went ahead with all of that marriage and babies thing.

Anyway, for everyone's information, "never date a ride guy." Chris wasn't a ride guy. I wonder whatever happened to him. Anyway, here is what a carnival looks like four days before it's set to "open."

I got home, napped, then had some pretzels, cheese & crackers and raw cauliflower and carrots for dinner. Then I worked on my paper due at the end of the week. Then I cleaned up some things around my room.

Now, I write this. Following this, I will read some news and likely pass out in the process.

Just as well, I'm not all that 'uppity' today anyway. My paper would refer to it as 'extroverted.'

More tomorrow (I hope). Now that is sure to be a real "long day."

1am Addendum: deleted because I probably already fucked up, and doing so even more would just make it worse.

P.S. Sean? How do I change the time on this website to reflect the actual time I write these damn blogs? Any ideas?

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday

2008-07-07T00:36:00.000-04:00

I really need to make more of an effort to write on nights Chris is here. In any event, I suppose it's okay I just continue to catch myself up, so long as I just take a picture every day. Anyway, recap:

Thursday (3rd of July): I lost my Wiiginirty. First, though, I went to school for two hours. Interestingly enough, I get a phone call 15 minutes after class was supposed to start...from the teacher...who just woke up. It was cute. I announced that class would start an hour late, and went off on an unexpected (but pleasurable) bike ride. Where did I go? Past the hospital, to the Chapin Apartments. Why? Because they're pretty and they make me miss having an apartment. Wanna see? Here ya go!

I also mourned the loss of a good machine that morning. The (Coke product) Dasani machine moved out, and the new Pepsi machine moved in. I mourn not because I am an avid Coca-Cola fan, but because I am a coke points fan. Chris & I began collecting coke product caps (and boxes for the 12-packs). Days later, Pepsi moved into SBU. Murphy, get back in your cage.

Oh and also, to the three or four people that read this, if you could either save your coke codes or email them to me (with product type -- i.e. diet coke, orange fanta, etc.), that'd be fan-freakin'-tastic.

(P.S. this picture is inside the Javits Lecture Center).

After class and a brief convo with new Ryan (there's emo Ryan, CA Ryan and new Ryan, for those of you keeping score at home), wherein he let me borrow I Am America and So Can You, I headed to the ENT/Audiologist's office to see if I could find out more about my flaccid eardrum and see if it was linked to the excruciating pain I suffer through when flying on an airplane. First, I get "rejected" at registration. Then the insurance CSR I call can't find the office I'm at in their system. After all was said & done, the visit will very likely not get paid for. Yes, I am eligible and yes, the doctor is in network. But without a real complaint (read: ICD-9 or diagnosis (Dx) code), Aetna "screw 'em if you can find a way to" will likely deny me. The good news, however, was that I did not need to see the ENT. I never made it past my audiology portion; Kristi says I'm just fine. I even have a printout of some lines to prove it.

Oh, and as I left the office, this was just outside the parking lot -- a lake and a fountain. Just...mid-industrial park. Freakin' north shore east end long islanders.

I ran around doing errands the remainder of Thursday afternoon. Did some homework, ran to the supermarket and bank, stuff like that. 'Round 7 or so Rob came over and the losing of the Wiiginirty took place, which was fucking awesome. We drank rum & cokes, made fun of each other and played every Wii Sport (and then some Mario Kart). In order to avoid any potential awkward, he left a decent portion of time before Chris came over. And why I didn't mention that Rob was there, I don't know. I don't wish I were still with Rob; I don't even see him as potential to ever be with again (not that I have any plans on being in any other relationships, like, ever). And it's not even like I think Chris would be upset that we hung out. I don't know, the fact that there's even a hesitation there means it needs to be further explored in my head and dealt with accordingly. The next time we get together, I will make sure to revise how I handle it.

So yeah, ultimately Chris came over and we had coffee and sat and talked and it was really nice. Like, really really nice. Maybe I'm making a big thing out of nothing, but I enjoyed that portion of my evening more than I did the four hours of Wii-ing. The morning was fast approaching though, so we turned in shortly thereafter.

Friday (4th of July): I made some pancakes for breakfast. We putzed around for a little while, then watched a romantic comedy (barf!) that I rented mostly for the music portion (Music & Lyrics). Immediately following we gathered our sleepover stuffs, contributions to the cook out (as Anne Cooper would call it; not BBQ), and headed to Owen's. Great food was served. Good drinks. Tons of people that didn't know one another. Some drizzling of rain. I eventually whined and complained enough that a car of us drove over to N. Ocean/495 to catch some of the Bald Hill fireworks from afar. They were pretty. Invaded some by traffic and just...stuff, so next year I would really like to go to a show of some kind, but we'll see how life goes. There was a bit of an argument in the car on the way there though that merited some internet searching the next day on Chris & my behalf (mostly Chris's; I was there for moral support and to take a picture of it). The argument was open-window drag vs. air conditioning in cars. I will discuss the outcome in the Saturday portion.

So when we returned I went antisocial on everyone who remained. I guess it was a combination of the car ride and the sobriety and the long day(s) (or maybe those are just excuses), but I opted not to hang out outside with the "group" around the fire pit. Instead, I responded to a few texts, had a peanut butter brownie (yum, by the way!) and tried to re-hydrate. When I did go outside for a (very) short while, I was eaten alive by bugs, and in the ten minutes I was out there, I wound up with a very swollen thumb. Bug bite of sorts. I retreated to the house, and Anne Cooper eventually joined me and kept me company. I iced the finger and went back to drinking wine, at a pace I should have probably started with. The girl talk was nice though.

We crashed there, slightly cramped but managed on a twin mattress they dragged into the basement living room after hanging out with Owen and Anne Cooper for a little while after the party dissipated. More good conversation. I think I really like those. I knocked myself out with a little Benedryl so my finger wouldn't bother me all night, so the getting to sleep part was quite simple.

Saturday (5th of July): when we awoke pancakes & bacon were awaiting us. We cleaned up the bed, ate for a bit, then when the conversation turned to programming language, I opted to hit the shower. I cleaned up our things after cleaning myself, mostly because I was groggy and not much of a conversationalist. I think I also get uncomfortable with strangers after a certain period of time. I should look into that. In any event, Chris showered, Anne Cooper left, we chatted with the remaining housemates for a few, but then headed off, for party/cook out number two of the long weekend.

Sometime just before 1pm-ish we got to my job, in the same town as Owen's, where my bike was being stored for the weekend (so that we could bring another and ride together). We geared up and headed out to Miller Place from Stony Brook, a 10-mile ride. We went by way of Rt 347, which was either genius or completely retarded. It took a few intersections to get the hang of it, but we managed and made it in one piece. My father made his typical "you rode bikes here?" negative comment, which we politely ignored and offered out his Father's Day present(s) and Kellen's birthday gifts. Snacks, more barbecuing, mojitios (oh yeah!) and playing with my brother = good time. Chris took his turn at semi-antisocial, but it was only fair and completely understandable. He played ball with Kellen & myself for a few minutes as well, and made it super-fun, as lame as that sounds. I forgot to take pictures.

We rode back after dessert, which was good because I felt like a whale by that point. I was also having some cheese-related stomach pain which was lovely to ride with. But it was a fairly quick trip and we were home by dark. I continued to ice the finger as it was still swollen (I have a picture of this, but it's on my phone, and I have absolutely no idea how to get the phone pictures onto the computer--it's that bad). We decided to run to Blockbuster and grab my July free rental. I got heated when some guy screamed out of his window because I almost made the wrong turn but then caught it and stayed on the road. He was so busy trying to race past me, it annoyed him when I decided to go straight again. This was cause to generalize that I am, in fact, a horrible driver and worse: a cunt. He'll likely wrap his gas-guzzling truck around a pole someday, though, so with a little help from the Chris-calming-department and my belief in karma, I was only upset for 5 minutes. We picked out Juno for the watching. I ... can't say I recommend it, but it was certainly an interesting and entertaining flick. And, as Chris mentioned, it sparked thought and (yet more awesome) conversation, so it couldn't have been bad.

Then, onto the drag vs. A/C question. It was time to look it up.

The result? Under 45 mph: windows open. 45-60 mph: gray area. 60+: windows up, A/C on.

And also: it doesn't matter the level the fan is on, A/C is A/C no matter. However, it's best to use the cabin air recirculated than it is to continue to pull air in from outside of the car.

That, my friends, is the verdict. I will not say who is right and who is wrong, because no one predicted that speed made the difference.

(And no, Mac isn't paying me to put a MacBook Pro on my blog site. But they should.)

Sunday (6th of July): Lazy start to the day, but up & out before noon nonetheless. We walked to the bagel store/deli for bacon/1egg/cheese on wheat with a shared side of hashbrowns, then around Lindenhurst for the next two hours. Good walk. Seriously. After we got home, we showered, took a nap, then ran out for corn & pasta. We came back, chopped a ton of veggies, fired up the grill and cooked out yet again. We made garlic & pepper chicken, sausage, mixed veggies (broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, red peppers) and corn cobs on the grill. We also heated up another red pepper and made some pasta for which to add most of the sausage to. Our timing was kinda crappy, but everything was delicious, and I now have an abundance of veggies as well as a blend of sausage, peppers and pasta for lunch(es) this week. Following that, my mom & I roasted marshmallows (Chris had one or two, but then went in to clean up the dishes--ain't he grand????) and I then cleaned up the little that was left and we went upstairs to spend our quality together-but-apart time. [What that means: Chris plays WoW and I do homework--it's a Sunday night routine unless we have something else going on.]

He left 'round midnight and I have spent a majority of the past two hours writing this. I also took a few Scrabble turns and imported my pictures. Oh! Speaking of -- since I don't have any from today, per se, I am going to use one that's technically from 7/6, but only because it was taken after 12am last night.

And Chris, if & when you read this, if you hate that I posted this, tell me & I will exchange it for a blurrier/blocked photo.

The quick story: I was complaining how much my thumb hurt (by the way, the swelling has gone down immensely and I can finally bend it at the knuckle again), so Chris...how do I put this? Well, he sucked my thumb. Only for a minute, but it was adorable and weird but adorable (though weird), but really adorable, and he really wouldn't let me get a picture of it. However, somehow I managed blur.

My favorite, best, adorable, most loved, most loving boyfriend:

I love him so much.

ketchup

2008-07-03T01:25:00.000-04:00

Or, rather, catch-up. I was so tired last night I couldn't post a second blog for the "day" and I feel as though I may have begun to fail at this picture-a-day thing. However, all hope is not lost. I am back, and I can continue. Unfortunately, it's 1:30 in the morning now, a time I was hoping would be earlier, but mundane tasks took entirely too long. Seems as though my entire day has been themed as such. I spent extra time at work (a very long, grueling 8.5 hours, which I am no longer used to as a full day) and got home too late for anything really productive. I read some for school and did little things like clean up my room and check my schedule for next semester to see if I could be an RA, but overall? I feel kinda like I just woke up for the day.

Mind you, today was a late day. I am extremely thankful for Joana's text message as it woke me up...25 minutes late. I luckily was only 10 minutes late to work, which no one was around to notice, and I stayed an extra 15 minutes after I "clocked out" to morally make up for it without displaying my late start time. But I didn't get to shower (ew!) and after the long workday, I was shot.

An interesting thing happened today. Not to me, but to a friend of mine, who I am calling Maria for the sake of protecting those that would not be thrilled to have their lives discussed in a public Linda-blog. I'd like to sit here and type the story and how I feel about it (which is really the reason I'm even mentioning it), but it's late, and I've class at 9, and I will certainly still want to discuss this on the morrow. So, be teased, and come back to read wtf got me so riled up.

Oh, and also? Yesterday & today pictures. First, of the Throggs Neck Bridge, which I have never seen on a Tuesday morning (for yesterday). And second, my cat. Because she puked (again) today and ate the ends of the ribbon on my dad's belated Father's Day gift. She was obviously not on my good list today. Unfortunately, my day was so uneventful she's also the only thing worth taking a picture of.

Ciao for now. (P.S. -- added pictures to my last post!)

I don't give up (blogs) quite that quickly...

2008-07-01T10:10:00.001-04:00

Just because I took a four-day hiatus does not mean I'm done after a mere three days. It means I was tied up (ahem, ahem) with other things. For one, spent Friday afternoon at the Mets v. Yankees makeup game (yes, the one they got totally slaughtered at). Interesting things that happened: 1) a squirrel found its way onto the field, ran through the outfield and proceeded to freak out in attempting to find its way out via the warning track; 2) The guy shown here hopped onto the field and made it about that far before getting tackled by the NYPD at full-speed. They then piled on top of him to arrest him. I particularly like this picture because the person clapping has "trapped" Justin Christian between their hands. Despite the score and the price of the tickets (Chris shelled out; I'm still feeling guilty), it was a fun time, and we stayed 'til the [absolute] bitter end.

Following the game, we rushed around to get to Overlook Beach to see Big Shot play, as this would be my third year there. Definitely a Long Island thing though, this Billy Joel cover band. Hey, it's a good time, and really I just prefer to hang out at the beach on warm summer nights with good people while what is ostensibly (*wink*) Billy Joel blares from beyond. It's nice to see some people I don't often get the chance to. Namely, (L to R) Steve, Billy, Megan, Rena & Tom. Dan & Amy were MIA at that point, but they returned shortly therafter. The whole event cost me a soda at 7-11 (to add to the rum I already have a gigundo bottle of in my house) and gas to & from. Of course, Chris & I had to stop at a diner on the way home for coffee and a shared meal, but I think I'm going to steer us away from those things (like the 1am nachos & beer we had Saturday night). There's a myriad of reasons to lay off the crappy food and the late-night snacking, so the new plan is to do just that. Not that I really want to lose any more weight, but whatever will be, will be.

Saturday consisted of good (but incredibly expensive) food in NYC and Eddie Izzard. *swoon* Obviously, there were late-night nachos and two-fers from Applebee's following our train ride home. Two semi-busy but decent days. I had a lot of fun. Better late than never picture(s): Rain. Sunshine-infested beautiful rain.And of course, EI's marquee, which is way more awesome than any picture I managed to almost get of him on stage.

Sunday was half of a wasted day (and by 'wasted' I mean slept away; not necessarily a poor use of time), a long walk around Lindenhurst/N. Amityville and a delicious BBQ at a former co-worker's house. It ended a little late and a little poorly, but hey-maybe I needed to hear some of the things I did. I thoroughly enjoyed about 90% of my three-day weekend, and to be perfectly honest I'm okay with having a semi-crappy 10%. If it were perfect, I would be kind of worried.

The first half of Monday/yesterday was a blur; I hadn't been able to get very much sleep Sunday night (partially due to the late Sunday, partially due to my worrisome brain meats), so I wandered through a majority of the day zombiesque. After work I trekked to Ossining, to nap in my car and then surprise Chris for his birthday. The plan? Run into him while he was jogging. The problem? He went easy on me when we did the jog together a few weeks ago, and cut it short. So his actual route was not what I had thought. So instead of running into him, I had to run after him. Just in case he turned a corner and I lost him and my plan was entirely ruined. So when he finally turned around to head back, he "ran into" a panting, dying Linda. But he seemed genuinely happy to see me, and that makes all the difference. We talked a little about Jared's wedding reception and Sean & Erin's return to NY for the event and maybe going up to Albany to hang with them and catching Wall-E in a group. I'd like that, and I think he would too, so I hope it pans out. We had an awesome lazy evening and I came back to Long Island this morning.

That about catches me up. Today can be covered tonight, as nothing as really happened as of yet. Sadly, though, I don't have any pictures from yesterday. Boo. Ah, it's only one day, though. Plenty of time to start anew on the one-a-day resolution, yeah?

I take the bike out, it rains: the story of my life.

2008-06-27T01:48:00.000-04:00

No, really. I opted not to ride my bike from the south campus parking lot because the forecast predicted rain...and lots of it. ::shakes fist at Owen:: I got to school with enough time to study before my test, which as noted yesterday I was determined to do well on despite my odds (see that's ironic because the test was on statistics. okay, so maybe it's not the same as probability). Anyway, when I get there, the sun is out, so I figure I'll drive halfway on campus and walk a bit. I toted the umbrella just in case.

So I take my test, which isn't so bad. The breakfast burrito (read: mistake) I had for breakfast decided mid-test to fuck me up, though. So what if I got two of the three bonus questions wrong because I didn't have time to read them? Heh. I dashed to a secret place that I'm not afraid of using the bathroom in an emergency and then, having still another 40 minutes worth of break, and with a sky of sunshine, I got out the bike. I rode for about 25 minutes before returning to class. And as I did so, the rain began.
And so did our extended break! Because Sue wanted to get our tests graded, we got an extra 30 minutes (my sympathies to Ryan who had to sit and grade with her). Despite the rain, I went back out. And lo and behold: the rain was gone. This time, though, I had a destination. I'm in love with the speed tracker sign, because it measures my speed on a bike. Problem is, it's atop a slight incline, so my unskilled ass can't usually get it to read anything over 8 or 9. (My first picture is clearer, but it's of an 8. I went back, prepped and made 11.) It's quite difficult when cars screw it all up.
Aaaand at that point guess what happened. Yep, rain. Again. But I was just happy to get my picture. Next time, I'll get a 12. (I'm so laaaame!)

As you might be able to tell, my day wasn't very interesting. I took that test and got the highest score in the class. I rode my bike back to my car (at which point it started raining, mind you). I went shopping (for my dad, brother, and I got me two items of clothing as well). Have I mentioned yet that I hate shopping? I came home and got McDonald's for my mom who was having a craving (it cost her a McChicken sandwich, more commonly known as "a dollar"). I fucked around online for apparently a good hour (what the hell do I do on this thing?), napped for a whole hour (a habit I seriously need to reconsider), then fucked around online for a bunch more hours while pretending to write a paper. Okay, that's not entirely true. I submitted one of my papers and started the next, so some progress was made.

This is the single most boring blog I've ever written. I made a new friend, but I'm too tired to even talk about him.

I do want to include this picture, though. I've been meaning to take it for a while now, and after I did, it was no longer fountainesque. They either ran out of water or figured out how to turn it off. I swear this thing had been going for weeks. SUNY Stony Brook ftw!

training, ipod failure and statistics

2008-06-25T23:57:00.000-04:00

What do they all have in common, you ask? My day. I spent three hours at work today talking. For three straight hours I tried to explain a majority of what I do in a week to a girl who could easily become office manager were she not an FIT student looking to get into fashion. Devyn, cutest of cute, a mere twenty-ish (and by 'ish' I mean 'or younger') can pick up and do and understand almost anything. She reminds me a lot of me at that age. I remember working at Russel Plastics and asking question after question so I could do my job "right." I was a perfectionist, and I was good. These days, I'm happy just to leave the office.

I haven't been able to get past lesson two of French by podcast (but I can understand Chris when he refers to a direction or says 'girlfriend' now), and as of today it is even more difficult. The error I am currently receiving, even after rebooting, is "FireWire connections are not supported. To transfer songs, connect the USB cable provided. Press Center to dismiss." I must have pressed Center 3 hundred million times to no avail. After a reboot, I get about twelve seconds to decide what I want to listen to. Queen of patience that I am, I opted for good ol' fashioned radio instead.

I'm discovering my own interests what with all the podcasts I've been listening to. I like science, I like health; however, I appear to be bored (or easily distracted) when listening to world relations. I am not happy about this fact. I want to be interested, so I don't see why I can't force myself to be, but it certainly takes extra concentration, which I don't often have.

Statistics. Oh annoying research-oriented pathetic statistics. I am so very banking on being able to drop tomorrow's test. But I did study my heart out for two hours and I will certainly cram for another hour prior to the exam. I just... I mean... ok, ready? Between-subject designs with more than two levels of the independent variable or more than one independent variable use independent ANOVAs for their inferential statistics. I have no idea what that means, but that is only one example of what I need to know. Within-subject designs with one independent variable having two levels gets a paired t-test. I'm not even sure that's right, I'm just hoping it is.

So speaking of stats and research and my class, here is my daily photo as it describes what's been most on my mind as well as agenda:

Looks like fun, yeah?

Take 2

2008-06-25T00:55:00.000-04:00

Well, then. After rashly deleting my initial blog I have decided I'd rather continue with the picture-a-day...until, of course, I skip too many days for me to feel like I've been able to maintain my new attempt at blogging. I'll decide what to do with everything I'd created if and when that time comes to pass.

Today was not as bad an emotional day. I got a little glum over the Results paper I have to write for my Research & Writing class, but I stayed tough. I did a lot of work tonight on it, but have little to show save for a shaky table, but progress is progress nonetheless.

Mike told me I overreacted over something earlier, and he was right, but I angrily chose to disengage myself from the conversation instead of dealing with it. I imagine I should apologize. Perhaps I will do that following this post.

I took two pictures today, of two of the biggest things in my life (during the week anyway, as Chris battles with school for the top slot): school and work. Rather than choose between the two, I thought I would just post both.

This is the Javits Lecture Center at school. It's an awkwardly designed building, diamond in shape with confusing corridors leading to all 10 or so classrooms it contains. The array of flora is new to the recently renovated building and it has certainly come a long way since my first days at SBU. My only gripe with it is the heightened level of air conditioning blasting throughout unnecessarily. Bring a sweatshirt or suffer the consequences!

Secondly, this is Taylor. She is the daughter of the owner of the practice I work for. She's a sweetheart, but a spoiled one (what only child isn't?). She's just another north shore east coast Long Island girl in the making though -- her manicure/pedicure was the news of the day, in not her favorite color, purple, but pink-to match her outfit. Still, the girl is adorable:

I wrote a letter for work today that was "perfect" on the first draft. I think it was the first time ever something I had produced was not requested to be modified. I thank the law firm for that. As well as my NYT crossword subscription. I keep meaning to tell Barbara I still use it. I will try to do so this weekend when I drop by to give her some things.

In other news, I'm happy for Jo, who got herself a new job today, even if it is in the Bronx. So long as she's happier there, I've no beef with who her employer is.

I truly wish I didn't generalize my own actions as part of a greater picture all the time. There's something to be said for progress with oneself, but I have a difficult time determining when it's okay to "screw up." Obviously, no one is perfect, and things can't always run smoothly. But how often is too often? How much is too much? How long is too long? I imagine I will have a difficult time sleeping this evening. I am not a fan of doing things in complicated ways, but it appears without utmost constraint, sometimes it is impossible for me not to. I fear the consequences of my own actions, and although I will try to keep myself calm in their respect, there will likely always be a part of me that "worries." I will summon my positive thinking and try to hold it near. I feel like I may have gone from uber-negative to uber-positive and have now landed somewhere in the middle. I'd like to find out how to get back to uber-positive, because everything went quite well and I felt the happiest when it was the reining mindset. It must be possible if I was there once. Right?

a picture a day...

2008-06-25T00:40:00.000-04:00

(originally written 6/23/08)

...keeps the Alzheimer's away? Chris mentioned something about taking a picture per day of, well, life, and I think it's a great idea. So, hiding in this blog I imagine no one will find, I shall do just that. However, today I neglected to take a picture. So I'm going to start this picture-blog with me, now. I'm taking a picture of my typing these exact words. (Please note: I'm on the old Dell. Not the new one. It appears I missed it. Less two keys and all.)

Very little thoughts accompany me today. I have been fighting with myself over things like wanting Chris to want me to be around more (which is a little silly, really) and time management and wanting to be emo (which I don't, but my natural emotions seem to keep edging toward). I've done an okay job thus far. I 86ed gchat for the time being and logged off of Facebook chat. I believe he loves me. I believe his past loves (and this dates back to high school, apparently) are not really threats. Still, I can't help but think about them. Security, could you swing by and save me? Thanks.

Off to do some clean-up stuff for the eve and then head to bed.

But first...picture #1: