I'm not ready for this.

I know Justin, or Cory, or someone will find my "new" blog, and should this post be on it, controversy would ensue.

Maybe this is Airbone Toxic Effect. Or maybe this is Sam's Octoberfest. Or maybe this is a reaction to Dollhouse. Or maybe this is hormones. But...I'm crying. For the first real time in nine months, I'm sad. Not only was I a smash tonight, but I was the biggest smash I've been in three years. And all of my time with Chris had prepared me for this evening. I knew how to speak to mom and dad (okay, my love for dogs and psychology definitely helped with mom). I amazed the shit out of Justin, who thinks girl WoW players who have watched Airplane and do watch Clone Wars are awesome. If he said, "I love you," once, he said it twelve times, and followed it with, "can you come over more often?" Mrs. L hugged me three (or was it four?) times. And Cory? There was nine years of longing in this evening. It showed in the anxiety of making me dinner, the entire 37-paged dialogue he wrote (that we read together), and each and every time he touched me.

The point of this rant? Fear. Alex has reminded me that if I want another man in my life, I will find a way to make it happen. I don't know if I can do that.

I lost myself twice tonight. After reading our dialogue (and the fact that I could read it, without serious fear, right there with him), and watching his expressions. The haunting of Chris didn't help (he liked to "watch" me and took pleasure in my pleasure; the "anxiety"), but he was easier to put out of my mind than I thought he would be.

I don't want to sleep, 'cause once I dream, I know it will be of Chris. He haunts me when I think I might like someone else. Really, I wish he wouldn't. I wish he wouldn't be the model by which I compare everyone. It's not fair...to me, to everyone, fuck, even to him.

In any event, I looked upon Cory twice tonight with emotion in my heart. Maybe it's the fact that it took us nine years to get to this point, maybe it's the whole of him, maybe I just wasn't able to be as strong as usual in the specific situation; I don't know. But I know I lost a little bit of my iron will. The fact that any emotion could eke out scares the ever living fuck out of me. Leaving things off as, "we'll talk," was good, 'cause there's no solid next time. We haven't made new hiking plans, or talking plans, or anything. It keeps me at my distance, the only thing I know how to maintain anymore.

But shit, if Liz was right this whole time would I have to invite her?

Let's just pretend I didn't think that. See? I do not want to think that!!!!!!!

Oh, and if I pull any, "what's going on in there?" (a/k/a "what are you thinking?") bullshit ever again, I'm escorting myself to the door, regardless of situation.

Done hiding.

I'm not hiding anymore, but I'm no longer posting to this site either. You can find me at WordPress these days.

The real "good bye"?

"Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain"

Screw it.

So much for my farewell, yeah?

I don't care at the moment who reads this. I've been drinking some wine, and I'm going to write one of my Daily Spark journals.

Task: "What was your most humiliating junior high experience? Write a short, possibly funny, description of it."

I'm not entirely sure I had one humiliating junior high experience that stands out above the rest. I feel like Frost Valley probably ices the cake, if anything. I opted to go on a nature-trip with all of the other honors eighth graders, packing my baggy red jeans and NYR boxers, which, for some reason I wore proudly like a boy. I proceeded to get my period on the trip, and tell just about everyone. Then I refused to participate in most things, got angry at the romances on the trip (Bess & Mark playing frisbee?! WTF?!) and sulked most of the time. I honestly don't remember much about the trip, save for the compost smelled funny and I was at a very awkward age. Our room named our toilet bowls Joan and Jane Flushing. 'Nuff said.

Oh eighth grade, you amuse me.

'Night, kiddies.

all good things must come to an end.

Dear everyone that reads this,

Those of you that have understood me, and know how I work, and can read everything I've written accurately, thank you. You've made my blogging experience worthwhile.

Those of you that asked me questions when I was difficult to understand, so you could keep my life straight in your head, thank you too. I'm fascinated that you were interested enough in the first place, let alone enough to make a clearer picture.

Those of you that did neither of the above, and simply chose to create drama based on something you neither understood nor knew nothing about, shame on you. I sincerely hope someone creates trouble for you after misunderstanding you and not being intelligent enough to find out any additional information. 'Cause you know what? That's extremely frustrating.

So, to keep the b/s to a minimum, goodbye my favorite blog evar. If you seriously want to read what I have to write/say, you can either become a master of the internets and e-stalk Google until you find me or you can ask me for my new blog information. Otherwise: problem. fucking. solved.

In conclusion:
Alex and I finally did have that talk I had mentioned I wanted to have, and as it turns out, I was pretty off. The only "information" she actually had for me was some hearsay that she classified as such and a lack of opinion/judgment because she doesn't/didn't know MD at all. So all of that "bad people" stuff I had mentioned was, a) the way I talk (I call people "bad people," but don't actually think they're bad; I just like the way that sounds); and b) based solely off of things that are inadmissible because they're either not firsthand or from forever ago. What she wound up telling me was that she had no opinion, because she had nothing to go on, but she would be happy for me regardless of what decision I made, so long as I was happy. That's why she's my friend. Because she's just amazing like that.

What hurts me most in the situation that unfolded because of a passing statement I made that was both fundamentally incorrect and never followed-up on, is that one of the people I love and am finally getting to see more often, got hurt by this. No one thought to ask me what it meant, or why I said it, or if it actually meant anything to me. What I find baffling though, was that after it was written, I didn't change anything. Did I stop talking to or seeing MD? If Alex's opinion was my driving motivation for follow-through, wouldn't I have been like, "aw, fuck this; she don't like him? I'm outtie."? I mean really. Am I that pathetic a person that I would take someone else's opinion and make it mine? I've spent all of my life proud that I don't do that. And what were those words I said less than twenty-four hours ago? "Even if he didn't like you, I don't care. It'd just mean I couldn't talk to him about you." Yeah. That's how I roll.

But instead, I'm spending my Monday evening writing a fucking farewell blog because I can't seem to write down thoughts without someone coming at me with intent to wound. Here's a tip for those people: if you ever want me to disappear, just continue to create drama. I'd much rather drop the people in my life that are involved than I would live with it. I will do everything I can to avoid it, so if you want me to go away, create it, 'cause I will be gone faster than you can finish your next uninformed potential lie.

Lastly: I'm dating MD. I've managed not to use his name, because, well, basically I don't think he'd prefer it coming up in a Google search on him later. But there it is: I'm dating him. Because I want to, and because he wants to date me, and because I enjoy the time I've spent with him thus far. Whatever happens, happens. If I've made it through James, Rob, Chris and Sam, I can make it through fucking anything.

Starting a new blog somewhere else from scratch might be good for me anyway. I can write without bias, knowing nobody I'm dating, have dated or am close (or not so close) friends with will be reading it. Ultimately, I do this for me anyway. So goodbye cruel world. Good luck in all of your endeavors.

the "good days" keep on comin'

Let's see, I got maybe all of three hours of sleep last night, after taking a three hour nap (through the Yankee game--falling asleep in the second inning and waking up for the post-game wrap up), but I woke up, had some freshly made pancakes (thanks, dad!) and coffee, then spoke with Verizon to see my options for getting off Chris's phone plan (has it been 5 months? whoops?). Lynn chimed in to remind me of a conversation we must have had about joining their plan and making a family one. So after some quick (okay, it took us a little while) calculations, we found it was advantageous for me to join in, with them only paying an extra thirty bucks a month or so. I'm not sure if I'll have to toss them the cash, but thirty is better than the seventy I'd be paying were I to go solo. So, basically, win.

Lynn asked if I would go with her to take the dogs to get their nails cut, so I agreed. Three dogs, two women and one five-year old filed into the truck and went on a nail-cutting adventure. It actually worked out well. I wish I could have held my Casey while she tried to get away from the event, but I was there, so I felt better about that at least.

KJ and I played army for a little while, until it was time for him to gear up for tee-ball team photos. I was getting my things together, but my dad tossed me a coach's shirt to denote I was in, if I wanted to be, on team photos. That made me happy, so I went with. Ten out of the thirteen kids showed up, and it was a pleasure to see them in a non-game environment, despite their still being in their uniforms. Anyways, the team photo itself should be adorable: my dad, myself and ten 5-and-6-year olds. Glorious!

I headed off to work following the photo shoot, where I spent almost two hours filing. This was my plan -- I was coming in just to file. The pile was huge, but I did EOBs first, then alphabatized the rest, then filed everything. I managed to find all but three files. One of them I'm almost certain is out of the office, so in essence, I'm actually only missing two files. This is a much better record than the last time I tried filing, wherein I was missing a ton.

After the work interlude, I came home and napped for a while, trying to catch myself up on the lost sleep of the night before. I stumbled out of bed just before six, showered, cleaned up my clothes and stuff lying around and chatted with mom while I did my hair and makeup. MD picked me up at seven and took me to an Italian restaurant in Babylon, which was quite nice. I feel the spiteful urge to write, "I haven't had good conversation and laughed in a long time," so there it is. But in actuality, I'm not an asshole, and that's not true. Anyways, it still was good conversation and laughs and such. I'm invited to Wildwood in August. I'm supposed to get on a roller coaster. I need to get on getting that tattoo I've always wanted. Aside from these things, if MD seeks to change anything about me, he's done for. But they aren't person-compromising, so I think I'm okay with them ... for now.

After dinner, which included a fabulous desert of a "Bomba" -- chocolate & vanilla gelato with a cherry center covered with a dark chocolate shell -- I stopped home to change into something a little more comfortable and then went to MD's sister's apartment. Both sisters & brother-in-laws (well, one's a to-be, but the other is already) were there. Lisa & Gary came by, which I imagine was kind of because usually MD goes out with them on Saturday nights. We basically all sat around drinking beer, daqueris, or wine and watching True Blood episodes and then Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay. [[Side note: I love you, Neil Patrick Harris.]] We chatted and laughed and just hung out. It wasn't awkward at all, and I couldn't help but think I could settle in there fairly easily.

So it turns out Gary & Lisa are celebrating something of someone's tomorrow at the Beer Garden. They were in the process of inviting MD when my attention was caught, mostly due to the fact that I'll be in Astoria tomorrow afternoon/early evening helping BGM and Rob move. I all but invited myself to the Beer Garden, but I know MD would not only not mind, but would be thrilled were I there. So technically I will probably see him tomorrow. Aside from the little "we haven't really done anything yet" awkward, I'm comfortable with that. I might be too exhausted to stay very long, but I'll at least make an effort. Beer Garden new memories take 2: new relationship memories. Hopefully a person or two from the Astoria gang will be willing to come by with me so someone can actually give me an opinion of the boy and I can prove I have freinds. Heh. I think I scared MD though, by explaining some of the snobby ways of that group. I was embellishing slightly, I think, but I do that in my head anyways.

For now, sleep is beckoning. I'm already thinking about the next few days: Sunday-the move, Beer Garden; Monday-Verizon store with Lynn, work, visiting post-surgery Juliette & maybe making her some dinner; Tuesday-work, then a break? nah, probably seeing MD; Wednesday-work, then treking to the Bronx to go to a Yankee game with Tom; Thursday-aside from work, probably nothing, maybe relaxing; Friday-work, tee-ball, staying at dad's. Whew! I'm tired just thinking about it all!

'Night, kiddies. Here's to getting my move on with six hours of sleep under my belt. Hrm, I wonder if BGM & Rob will let me take a nap in their new pad...

quickie.

Heh. Quickie.

...anyways, It's like three hours past my bedtime (for tonight, at least), so Im'a make this quick.

- created yet another alt, this time on Deathwing, to play with MD the newb and his sister, soon to be brother-in-law and already brother-in-law. Figured I'd try to make a new shadow priest, but I know that'll get old at some point. I could just PCT the one on CC, but I kinda like playing with Mike, Rob, Jesse and such. Not that I do often, just that I could. And I would make a little "linda-rule" that I would not be on when my nemesis was. Simple as that.

- I'm pretty sure I was going to do something productive tonight, like clean something or finish my book, or look into grad schools, but nah. MD said he was playing so I found the group and joined in. Must've played for, oh, I dunno, three hours. Sheesh. Only level 8. Lamez0rs.

- Tomorrow I'm going to try to get to work at around 8:30 in the morning...which puts me at about 4 hours of sleep. I'm okay with that, mostly because of the three hour nap I took earlier. Whoops. Still loves me some napping.

- Tee-ball too, if it doesn't rain. Supposed to be some scattered thunderstorms. My favorite. (And no, that wasn't sarcasm.) I'm gonna stay at dad's, play some WoW, get on learning the whole Yankee lineup thing, and finish my book. Goals for tomorrow, huzzah.

- I'm also going to try to start using my Daily Spark book for Journal Writing. I bought that thing back when Rob & I lived in BK, and I think I may have even started using it. But it's so long ago, that any record is probably gone anyway. Not to mention my memory is so shot, I probably won't recall what I wrote in the first place.

- Not sure if I actually ever noted this, but I got four As and one A minus this semester. So it's easy to see that my shitty life last semester was the cause of my crappy Bs. I think I might take Mood Disorders again. But I guess that would be in my last semester anyway, 'cause I've got this upcoming one already situated. I'm taking: Natural Disasters, Environmental History, Politics and Society, Psychology of Prejudice and Drugs & the Brain. Know what's funny? I feel like Chris & I would probably be better for each other now than we ever were. S'a shame that ship sailed and it'll never come back 'round. I mean, there are certain things we probably could just never get past, but the more I "find myself," the more I find we'd actually have a lot in common. Heh. Go figure. In any event, I kind of like being the secure one. Not that I expect that to last forever, just that it's adorable to watch someone play the role of "Linda."

- Alright, sleep. Let's do this.