I'm not ready for this.

I know Justin, or Cory, or someone will find my "new" blog, and should this post be on it, controversy would ensue.

Maybe this is Airbone Toxic Effect. Or maybe this is Sam's Octoberfest. Or maybe this is a reaction to Dollhouse. Or maybe this is hormones. But...I'm crying. For the first real time in nine months, I'm sad. Not only was I a smash tonight, but I was the biggest smash I've been in three years. And all of my time with Chris had prepared me for this evening. I knew how to speak to mom and dad (okay, my love for dogs and psychology definitely helped with mom). I amazed the shit out of Justin, who thinks girl WoW players who have watched Airplane and do watch Clone Wars are awesome. If he said, "I love you," once, he said it twelve times, and followed it with, "can you come over more often?" Mrs. L hugged me three (or was it four?) times. And Cory? There was nine years of longing in this evening. It showed in the anxiety of making me dinner, the entire 37-paged dialogue he wrote (that we read together), and each and every time he touched me.

The point of this rant? Fear. Alex has reminded me that if I want another man in my life, I will find a way to make it happen. I don't know if I can do that.

I lost myself twice tonight. After reading our dialogue (and the fact that I could read it, without serious fear, right there with him), and watching his expressions. The haunting of Chris didn't help (he liked to "watch" me and took pleasure in my pleasure; the "anxiety"), but he was easier to put out of my mind than I thought he would be.

I don't want to sleep, 'cause once I dream, I know it will be of Chris. He haunts me when I think I might like someone else. Really, I wish he wouldn't. I wish he wouldn't be the model by which I compare everyone. It's not fair...to me, to everyone, fuck, even to him.

In any event, I looked upon Cory twice tonight with emotion in my heart. Maybe it's the fact that it took us nine years to get to this point, maybe it's the whole of him, maybe I just wasn't able to be as strong as usual in the specific situation; I don't know. But I know I lost a little bit of my iron will. The fact that any emotion could eke out scares the ever living fuck out of me. Leaving things off as, "we'll talk," was good, 'cause there's no solid next time. We haven't made new hiking plans, or talking plans, or anything. It keeps me at my distance, the only thing I know how to maintain anymore.

But shit, if Liz was right this whole time would I have to invite her?

Let's just pretend I didn't think that. See? I do not want to think that!!!!!!!

Oh, and if I pull any, "what's going on in there?" (a/k/a "what are you thinking?") bullshit ever again, I'm escorting myself to the door, regardless of situation.