Miss Independent (a/k/a "note to self")

Briefly, as I need to get back to studying:

Things to remember:
1. I am fucking awesome.
2. Guys make me insecure. This is ridiculous. Stop it.
3. No matter how much I think I suddenly need someone to complete my existence, I actually love the feeling I get being by myself. Independence is a natural high.
4. If I could just carry these thoughts with me as the prominent ones at all times, I would stop with #2 much more easily.
5. Best friends have a lot of the answers.
6. Communication FTW. Tested and confirmed tonight.
7. WHO CARES?!

No Worries

"You shouldn't worry about everything so much," I was told. It's true; I shouldn't. But I suppose that's still who I am. I'm still going to tell myself good things only last for a little while. I'm still going to do everything in my power to keep myself distracted.

My mother always said I needed to find someone that would keep me "in check," so to speak. Not like Rob who would do anything I said, ever. Not like Chris who just trusted me to make good choices -- though I have to admit that was the least stressful aspect of that relationship. The one person I'm pretty sure I could never date, though, is me. So if I should happen to find someone who is like me, and is so painfully honest that they actually say all of the fucked-up things that go through my head, I don't think they'd ever have my trust.

People can change, I've heard. And in my own defense I have changed drastically over the past few years. However, I have not been able to change this one specific aspect of my being. I'd like to think next time around will be different. I sincerely hope it is. But first, there has to be a next time, and second, I have to want to change it. So I've got the second part down, but no matter how much I want it, sometimes its a defensive thing. I'm not saying that makes it right, I'm just saying it makes it more difficult for me to want.

Know what's a good idea? I'm not going to worry about it. I'm going to go do ten hours worth of homework. ...okay, fine. Six hours worth of homework, two hours worth of fucking around on the internets/chatting, and two hours of warcraft. At least that's closer to accurate. Maybe I'll have some lunch, too.

Oh, and also? The new Guy Ritchie move = awesome.

bad day

I don't often have these super-shitty days, but unfortunately today was one of them. Now I'm sitting here wondering who to turn to to alleviate some of the anxiety. Two people immediately come to mind, but it is neither of their jobs to cheer me up. Also, one's in bed and the other would only half pay attention. Have I mentioned yet in this lifetime how much I despise the 30-second lapse between the last thing I said and the generic response conjured as a result of the ability of short-term memory to hold onto the last few words uttered? 'Cause 'loathe' is the word that comes to mind to describe that hatred. I'd sooner never talk on the phone than have to deal with that on any kind of repeated basis.

Anyway, I'm trying not to sit here and make a list of things that suck atm, because it annoys me when other people do it -- it's a pity-me compilation and complete negativity. I may be negative right now, but I refuse to let everything get me down.

I don't think I believe in "nets" anymore, though. I mean, I guess I do. It's kind of like what Mike does when he makes you agree to the friendship contract (or was that just me?). So, considering the contract, I guess Mike is my net. And if I called him right now and asked him not to make me feel worse by telling me how hard I'm being on myself, he'd listen, and regardless of what he'd actually want to say, he'd give me whatever I need.

And Joana would listen too. But I feel too horrible not being able to tell her if I can see her this weekend. My priorities are fucked up, and I don't know how to catch myself up and get them in the right order all in the same weekend. I just feel very weak. I'd like to say that someone to lean on would help, but I've come to learn that's not the way it works. That's how I get an expectation that can't be fulfilled. The only one who can save me right now is me. And unfortunately, I'm about to go outside and speed up my death.

"Confidence."

Forgive me if I stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
'Cause I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a waterbed
Do I seem familiar?
I've crossed you in hallways a thousand times.
No more camouflage; I want to be exposed and not be afraid to fall

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
Cannonball into the water
I'm gonna muster up every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will.
You only want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will.

-excerpt, Teddy Geiger, "Confidence"

country music is bad for the soul.

I threw Launchcast on "Soft Country" and caught Taylor Swift's "White Horse." I'm just sitting here busting ass to completely conquer ANOVAs, when the following catches my attention:

(excerpt)
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause
I honestly believed in you
Holdin' on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should have known, I should have known

That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

Maybe I was naïve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
My mistake, I didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand.
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings;
Now I know


Jeezy Creezy country music is depressing.

Mistakes or attraction?

Why do I always seem to like the WoW-loving anger management issue people? Am I afraid to branch out or am I seriously attracted to that?!?!?!

Just a thought.

(Un)Comfortably Dependent

My "Gone" post made me incredibly uncomfortable. I know this is going to come out all crypic and whatnot, but what makes that little switch go from "could totally give a fuck" to "omg pay attention to meeeeeee!"? No, seriously. I tried to blame PMS, but I'm not entirely sure I even can. What's the difference between yesterday and today? NOTHING. Oh wait- yes, there was a small break where I wasn't the center of the fucking universe. Oh. My. God. Linda. Get the hell over yourself.

Funny, Chris said that lotsa times, I was just too ignorant to even care. Ah, well. Who's the wiser? Me. 'Cause I'm paying fucking attention now.

Joana is right (which is evident because she gets her best advice from me-heh), and I'm glad she made me open my mouth. I will not be needy and annoying ever again. You hear that, universe? EVAR! So bug off.

Ironically, I was told to "be myself" tonight. I still can't get past the fact that I found "myself" (again?) so goddamn recently. But hell, if I'm better for it, then fuck man, I'm better.

Gone.

Excerpt.


Gone people
All careless and consumed
Gone
Gone going
Gone everything
Gone give a damn
Gone be the birds if they don’t want to sing
Gone people
All awkward with their things
Gone.


better sooner rather than later.

random.

Feelings on life ATM...

Busy. oh god, yes, busy. Buddhism. Mahayana Buddhism. A paper on Mahayana Buddhism. About emptiness. Everything is empty, including emptiness. Has this brought me down? Can it? It's supposed to be enlightening. We are part of interdependent processes. Just when I thought I was okay at independence.

History. War history. Immigration history. Whaling history. This should be interesting right? Why is this my minor? It's just boring. I don't want it to be boring.

Ryan. Drunk Ryan. Drunk Ryan text messages compounding a Sam and Tim infested day.

I don't mind Sam, but I should. For all the right reasons. Shady. But smart. Funny. Open. Real. Pretty eyes. (Should LARPer sway me?)

Tim...pretty blue eyes. Creepy, though? I still can't tell, but I can tell I don't want to date him. Is that fair? Am I being unfair? Does that matter?
...promised some tea. Won't buy me dinner, just tea. But bought roses. Trade-off? Again, does it matter?

Work. Lake Success...MY office. Sharing my office with a new person. Meryl. I don't know her, but I don't trust her. I will no longer go into things as I left them, but things as she left them. I am not pleased by this, but it is necessary.

Flash drive fail. Videos gone. School notes gone. But I'm not upset. Because there is nothing I can do about it. It is what it is, and it is unfortunate.

Birthday present: desktop microphone. Almost secret-admirey, but Mike confessed that shipping people suck and there should have been a note. For guitar playing/singing...but I think I need to hold the button down on the mic. Problem?

Birthday. Fleetwood Mac with someone I used to be close with. Alcohol necessary. Saturday, hiking with strangers? Former co-worker's daughter's local dance competition? Work? Dinner with mom? dad? Rich? Other Rich? See Cousin Scott? Call Aunt Eileen, who keeps bugging me to. Tim in Boston. Necessary break. When do I get to level Aeveron and watch movies? Should it be about me? If it's about me, I'm going hiking. I want the first thing I do at 27 to be meeting up with a group of strangers (meetup.com thing) and saying, "hey. I want to hike. Let's do this." Then going home, cleaning myself up and hitting up the Watchmen by myself. I want to do both of those things...things I wouldn't before. How's that lyric go? "the old me is dead and gone but the new me will be alright." Yeah.

Guitar playing/singing. Tom & I had a single jam session (#2 tomorrow?). I wish I knew more. I wish I had more time to practice/learn more. But I wish to do well in school more than that.

Tattoo. Birthday present to me? Why can't I muster the balls for it? Maybe Dawn will force me on Sunday. Or maybe I'll convince her to have lunch with me instead.

Chris. Still there. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.