concession...out of desire or being wounded?

I'm going to start changing names to protect innocent people. For this story, I'm "seeing" James and am being e-mailed by Paul.

Brief background on Paul: We hooked up a few months ago, for a very short period of time. He's still very hung up on an ex of over a year ago. His career goals are a little out of the realm of probable. I stopped seeing him because...well...he was a little clingy. Or maybe the word is controlling. I don't know; a combination of the two, I suppose.

I get an e-mail from Paul the other night, asking how I've been. I give the short story: school, work, family, and politely ask how he's been. His response entailed a request for a date when school is out. My first thought? Let's see where James stands on "us." 'Nowhere' is clearly the answer. The word "relationship" scares him. That's fair; we haven't really spoken to/been seeing each other very long. But in meeting him I realized I didn't really want to be involved with Paul.

So if I agree to this date--am I doing it because I really want to? Or because I'm just a little bit hurt by James's pseudo-denial? Am I subconsciously lowering my standards, or just my self-esteem? Is Paul a pick-me-up, because I know he'll be enamored by me?

I suppose I'm going to have to give him an answer soon. There's nothing "stopping" me from going, so I probably should just go. It's a date, not a marriage proposal. I'm just not a huge fan of dating because it presents itself; I'm a fan of dating because I am actually interested in pursuing something. And I don't think I am, with Paul. Of course, I am interested in such with James. Ah, well, I just keep telling myself there'll be other Jameses.

That might be my answer right there. And anything less than the truth is lying.

subjective opinions.

Unless you read an automotive journal, Consumer Reports, or have worked on automobiles long enough to be able to take them apart and accurately comment on what's going on "under the hood," how often should you be using the words, "X is better than Y"? I've had five cars thus far in my lifetime: a 1987 Dodge Charger (not the cool one; the one that looked like a Plymouth Duster), a 1989 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme, a 1997 Chevrolet Cavalier, a 1997 Volkswagon Cabrio Highline and my current 2007 Ford Focus. I have had problems with each and every one of these babies, and rightfully so--cars fall apart, ultimately. Aside from hearing from some unknowledgeable teenage asshole about how "plastic" the Cavalier is versus the "strong, metal" Cutlass, what information do I have as to the durability of these cars?

The answer is none. I would be basing anything I had to say on my particular experience. It would be biased, and it would be inaccurate. Yet I see this happen all the time. I am constantly in contact with people who think they are automobile connosoirs, and only twice have I ever spoken to someone who's built a car, or taken an engine apart.

Eh, I suppose I'm being snobby and cranky. I've been awake about fifteen minutes, so I suppose the sleepy has something to do with it as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is stop making comparative judgements based on absolutely no scientific information! At least all I can see that comes from it is an aura of ignorance. Who wants that, really?

for all the right reasons.

I was going to write an "in yo face" blog about all the good things I have in my life, and comment on how weak and stupid my dream blog was, but...well..."I don't want to be that guy anymore." Writing some "I'm better than you" public information is cheating. No, it's vain. Vain and immature. Two things I have had trouble escaping. So here's an additional effort to do so. I am two weeks away from summer and things are surprisingly good; no need to try to make myself feel like a level competitor. I'm finally starting to feel like I don't need to do that. Which is kind of amusing really--I win; know why? 'Cause I don't care about winning.

Wait, don't get me wrong here: writing about the good goings-on is wonderful--encouraging, even--but doing it as a reaction, or in a boastful way, that's where things get screwy.

Anyway, onto other stuff... in about 4 minutes I'm going to force myself to sit down and write my Long, Strong Island paper. You know, the one that accompanies the song, so that I can get that A. I played the song for the class yesterday evening. At least 60-70 people sat and stared as I capo'ed the second fret of my pretty new blonde baby, played G/C/D Am/D G/D/G/C/D/G over and over and sang what seemed to me to be lyrics that would never make the cut. My teacher spent the five minutes following my perfomance praising me and making the class aware of specific lyrics. In short, I was a hit. Being such put me on a high horse for the remainder of the evening too. I think I drank 4 "celebratory" beers, played some WoW with Mike, talked to the two people closest to me atm, put on the new Depeche Mode album and danced and laughed all night. Holding Buddhism class outside on the lawn (and getting hit on by some 20-year old cutie) definitely helped the rising spirits too, but they were before I even played the song. ;) Okay, maybe it was wearing that dress too. I can't help but think about Chris telling me I looked good in it as I strolled down Clyde Street the day he signed the lease on his apartment. I think that picks me up an extra confidence point or two.

So the best few days I've had in a long time were Saturday-Tuesday. I'm still not out of the scared-out-of-my-mind woods yet, as my trust is still at a dangerously low level, but I'm workin' on it, and I'm determined. 'Cause no matter what happens ultimately, I get something good out of everything I do. Unfortunately, I can sometimes see what I'm going to get from someone way early in a friendship/relationship/interaction; I just hope in knowing what that is, it doesn't coincide with a forseen "end." Then again, what did I just finish saying? Even if a relationship of any kind ends, I still get something from it. So it shouldn't really matter, should it?


The answer is 'no.' But I'm still not a fan of "ends"!

Inspired by Ms. Cipriani

A year ago I was writing blogs about how I was proud I didn't have a "Wednesday" fight, and I was driving past Rob's house on Sunday nights. I "hoped Chris never resents me for changing him." I wondered if getting upset to a lesser degree, but always on the same days was progress. I wanted to "burn down Blizzards HQ and subsequent offices."

...I'd go back farther, but I don't really want to know that I was unhappy even before then.

What did I do?

Oh, and also, today? Knock me down. I fucking dare you. IMPOSSIBLE!

all's well that ends well

...or so they say. I have an awesome day with Ryan, filled with coffee, cigarettes, a five hour long psychology conference and an arboretum walk. Then I get home and nap, wherein I dream about Chris. The Fuck?

I dream about the same three people, over and over. Two less than the third. Am I really still "getting over it?" I guess so, or I probably wouldn't be wondering who joined along in the Rego Park walking adventure.

Okay, yes, I'm still sleepy, and hurt, dream fresh in my mind. I don't remember details, save for there being little kids around while we rode in the back of an SUV with them and Roz. I'm pretty sure she had just...had two more kids, or something. We were all very family-esque and on our way "home" -- for them, I think. Getting everything out of the car, I was looking around for one of the kid's toys, and Chris shook it from outside of the SUV. "Is that you telling me you already grabbed it?" I ask. He nods. I smile. Something else quite similar occurs in the same setting, and shutting the door, I remark, "I missed you."

Do I? I don't know. I mean, I'm sure the dream came up because I was talking to Ryan about getting off of this island [for graduate school] and how I had more "tying me down" when I was with Chris. I may or may not have also mentioned the words, "I almost broke up with you right then," regarding my smoking. But the content of the dream was kind of painful and unnecessary. I have this weird belief that dreams let us live out what we refuse to acknowledge and deal with consciously. Not all the time of course -- my love for burritos versus their appearance in my dream content is definition not proportional -- but with some of the really emotional stuff. So that makes me wonder: do I miss him more than I am willing to let on? No, but mostly out of spite because he doesn't miss me. And yes, because, in a twisted way, he spoiled me. I couldn't fit into his standards, and now I'm afraid no one will ever fit in mine.

I've dropped the WoW thing. I've recently come to realize (better late than never?) boys will be boys. It's only really a problem when you're not willing to put the computer down and go outside, or go be social. Which brings me to my second point: being social. If I had only known being social had as many negative points as it does positive. Sure, it's good for networking. It's also phenomenal to up your interpersonal skills. However, content is ridiculously important. I am definitely holding out for someone that can hold an intellectual conversation and not need it to be a debate/argument. I believe that possibility exists; I've totally seen it.

On somewhat more of an aside, I'm not really thrilled with the basis for any relationship being "so will I see you this week?" Thank you for the compliment, and I have needs too, but what exactly do I do with something that won't go anywhere? It just takes me farther from the thing I love most: love. Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly sad about it (or would my dream beg to differ?), I just miss it sometimes, even if it was a lie...though it didn't feel like one. With the addition of "intelligent conversation" to my long list of necessary attributes (don't worry, "affection" is atop the list), the likelihood I'll ever find someone that's more than just something to do gets even smaller. Amendment 4/26/09: or does it?

Anyways, I'm wayyyy off track. So, yeah, in a way I miss Chris. But as I once wrote,
"It's the wrong way; it's the long way
but I guess it's okay
as long as someday I get home."

Long Island: an advertisement (the video)

Well, folks, here it is. Original lyrics in the post below.

Long Island: an advertisement

"Long, Strong Island" by L. Kudla (c) 2009

In the 18th century, G-Dubbs needed a hand
The British came around and tried to take all of our land
But out near Setauket, with laundry lines and Culper spies
We made our own plan

they couldn't take the heat
we got those Brits to retreat.

From our long, strong island
away from our long, strong island
so change at Jamaica for the train to Port Jefferson.

Cold Spring Harbor was a major whaling hub of the day
For three years at a time our men were carried away
Instead of coping, some wives would go, they might cook or sew
it was just the life they made.

They had to find some nice big kills
so they could pay the bills

And live on this long, strong island
afford this long, strong island
so change at Jamaica for the train to Oyster Bay.

If you want to get around and you have a car
without Mr. Moses you wouldn't get very far
From bridges to tunnels to our native parks, closed after dark
he helped lay down the tar

Some laws he may have breached
but he gave us all Jones Beach

And made this long, strong island
he helped make this long, strong island
so change at Jamaica for the train to Babylon.

With the growth of suburbia and recreation on the rise
A house out east was just part of the prize
Hard work in the city, paid off in fun out in the Hamptons
it was their status symbolized

Wouldn't need to take the train
'cause you'd have your own airplane

To get to this long, strong island
to and from this long, strong island
So change at Jamaica for the train to Montauk.

If you want to come and visit there's some sights you might see
Old Bethpage Restoration or perhaps a winery
there's just so much to do: come see the Big Duck, or the Long Island Ducks
We're full of history.

Out on our long, strong island
yes it's our long, strong island.
You can change at Jamaica for the train to Penn Station
Yes, you can change at Jamaica for the train to Penn Station.

SIDE NOTE!

Taken from just another chick-flick, The Holiday:

"Why am I attracted to a person I know isn't good?"

"I happen to know the answer to this. Because you are hoping you are wrong, and every time she does something that tells you she is no good, you ignore it; and every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself that she's not for you."

"Exactly. And on the top of that, there is an old standby: I cannot believe a girl like that would be with a guy like me."

I guess I understand that a little better now. And not only can I see it the driving force of several relationships I know of, I think it also defined my last one as well as whateverthefuck I'm doing now (only the inverse). That's mildly depressing.

Life = good.

I accidentally slept through Friday night, but that's okay, because I think I may have caught up on the whole sleep deprivation thing.

Saturday, I ran around like a crazy woman:
- went to our LS office for an hour & showed my receptionist how to do something billing-related, then hung out with two patients in the waiting room for an hour.
- came home and read for school in the sun for an hour.
- haircut w/ Tracy (the best!) who actually knows how to thin hair, unlike the last girl I saw at LT -- now I don't have to poke at Chris to get back into Bb., or pay $150 bucks for a haircut.
- came back home and did a little more homework, then was accompanied by my 11-year old neighbor, Des, to play with my keyboard while I cleaned my room up and swept and swiffered the floor.
- headed out to dad's with a friend for his bar/cocktail party. Cousin Scott & family came. One other friend of mine came. Still good with dad & Lynn's friends/co-workers and some family and some friends.
- got home 'round 11, had a "good night," passed out.

Today is proving to be nice and relaxing, save for the homework I have planned. Played a lil' WoW for an hour or two (finally got an updated TomTom mod and fixed my bars). For the last hour or so, I've just been bullshitting with the neighbors who have been doing work in my kitchen.

I'll have to start writing my song and paper for LI History at some point soon. But first, I think I'll just do my RA work and code for an hour or two. Then again, with all of these people here, I'm not entirely sure I could concentrate. I've been typing this for probably an hour, and you can see how long it isn't. Maybe I'll log back onto WoW for another hour or so. ;)

w00t. good times.

Strong enough.

I just needed a quick reminder [to myself] that I am a strong person. I'm too empathetic sometimes. I'm too apathetic in others. I'm selfish too. Not always; I've gotten much better at that. But sometimes I don't do the right thing because the consequence of it might negatively affect me.

I'm not sure how I feel about this stuff. I am fairly grounded in my morals, but the ones that straddle the line are shruggable. Some days I feel like doing something about them, other days it's "totally cool, totally cool, totally cool....seriously."

I have no idea what my brain is doing tonight. It worked hard, it napped, it studied and then it went into super-empath mode, had serious conversation(s), went through denial and then finally got tired and made me sad. Now I'm just stuck in "I should really be sleeping + I have a quiz in 5 hours + I need better willpower."

Gah! Willpower, WTF?! Some days > all the shit that happens, some days < everything, ever.

Back to Good

Blue October may always be able to pick me up (oh, the irony!) with that song Jump Rope. Screw those guys. They put a "life's gonna suck sometimes" song immediately following an "omg will it ever stop hurting?" one. So for all the emo I manage to eke out of track 8, track 9 always goes, "but you'll be all right." Fucking optimism. ;)

Yeah, so, the cryptic stuff subsided (slowly) last night. I spent like 627,244,071 hours on the phone, which was...weird, but welcome. I forgot I could talk that long in one sitting. I really haven't spent that much time on one phone call since...I guess since I used to gab Chris's ear off. I mean, Joana and I have some long talks, as have Mike and I, and Juliette and I definitely spend entirely too long on the phone, but I thought I had managed to vow never to bore someone to sleep again. Ah, well, I won't. As much as I love the chatty chat (with people I actually want to talk to), that was a little much, even for me. I imagine it's mostly me, 'cause you know what they say (or, at least, the Punch an' Pie people say it), "two situations, same deal...only one thing in common...you." I can be perfectly happy with random half-hour conversations; the kind with back-and-forth but a know-when-to-call-it-quits air to it. S'funny, so long as I shrug everything off, it's all still grand. More irony.

Anyways, I'm pretty sure Situation A didn't actually fuck up B. My brain is kind of responsible for that. Considering how open-minded I've been about things I never was before, I have more hope than I like to let on. And again, C isn't actually a problem.

In other news, I got a Coach bag today. I feel Long Island is trying to assimilate me. First, Mike points out last weekend at the Beer Garden that a Victoria's Secret has clearly attacked my feet. Unfortunately, I had no idea my bright pink toes were some kind of fashion faux pas. For Long Island, they're certainly not. Then today, Janine buys me a Coach bag because I'd commented that everyone seems to have one, and I never have. Granted, she got it for me because she appreciates how fucking awesome I am (have I mentioned that lately?), but I think I'm being taken alive. I won't have it. Long Island, you get away from me! I took a history class on you to see if you were cool, but you're really not. You're glacial runoff that wants credit for freeing slaves seventy years before everyone else. You're like that creepy guy in the corner of the bar. (James, I think his name is.) Somehow that stupid bag, immediately full of my belongings, still gets top bag priority. ::shakes fist::

So I should probably be writing my history project, which is a song on Long Island. (GO AWAY!) I'll post lyrics if and when I finally write it. Of course, if I don't, I basically fail that class. It would get me back that way, wouldn't it? Long Island, you fickle bitch, you.

Great place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.

I'm not entirely sure why I continue to be cryptic. Recent events have made it too clear that this whole Buddhism concept is entirely too true: everything is empty of inherent essence, and all things depend on both the potential to come into being and all other processes. What that means in English? Shit that happens influences all the other shit that happens.

I have so many thoughts. But censorship leaves them either in a WordMac doc or floating around in my brainspace. I can't say super mean things about Situation A, but I'm in the mood to. I can't say confused, disappointed things about Situation B, and I don't even know why not anymore. I can't say anything about Situation C, because for the love of God there will never really be a Situation C (although I suppose the potential exists provided I put myself in the proper context for it).

Let the crypic attempt at leaving myself something to get out the crazy thoughts and provide enough to remember what the fuck I was talking about in the first place (the hardest part) begin:

Situation A:
I'm thinking both

"Sometimes I feel like weeping; awaken when I'm sleeping; perfecting how to put a game face on."

and

"Fuck you...and your untouchable face. Fuck you...for existing in the first place. Who am I to be vying for your touch? Who am I...I bet you can't even tell me that much."


Situation B:
I'm incredibly torn between

"I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours. I pray to be only yours. I know now you're my only hope."

and

"Go and tell your white knight that he's handsome in hindsight, but I don't want the next best thing."


Situation C:
"One question haunts and hurts. Too much, too much to mention: Was I really seeking good or just seeking attention? Is that all good deeds are when looked at with an ice-cold eye? If that's all good deeds are, maybe that's the reason why no good deed goes unpunished."


Synopsis:
Dear Situation A: You've completely fucked up Situation B.
Dear Situation B: WTF with Situation C?
Dear Situation C: Neither Situation A nor Situation B even exist. It's all a dream.

I think I've lost my mind. I may in fact write a long-ass WordMac doc using actual names and information. Kinda wish I wrote a robot blog sometimes. But robots sort of suck.

Blue October comes through again!

Dear January 2007-December 2009,
Blue October wrote a song for us. It's called "Been Down" and on their new album titled "Approaching Normal." Life is funny that way sometimes.

I dreamt you seduced me just to walk away.
I dreamt you inspired then rewired what I say.
I dreamt you spread your bottom wings and pulled me to the bed,
but then I woke up feeling nauseous;
you danced around my head.
Tell me:

How long, how long have I been down
How long, how long have I been down
How long, how long have I been down
Down
Down

I dreamt you burned my fingers.
Yes, an automatic sting.
I dreamt you called me beautiful then asked to hear me sing.
I dreamt your scent invited me to crawl within your space,
but then I woke up feeling nauseous;
you danced around my face.
Tell me:

How long, how long have you been down
How long, how long have you been down
How long, how long have you been down
Down
Down

Then why can't we work, when we both try;
We try, we try, we try, we try.
Why can't this work, when we've both tried?
Why can't it work, when we both try;
We try, we try, we try.
How we've tried.
And how we tried.

I mean to sympathize,
I mean to be a friend.
I know apologizing won't erase the end;
But I've learned that moving on is where I must begin.
'Cause when our colors mixed
we couldn't fix the way they wouldn't blend.
So tell me:

How long, how long have we been down
How long, how long have we been down
How long, how long have we been down
Down
Down

And I wish that only greatness follow you around.
I hope to god you find a way to keep from down.
And when you do I hope you share it all with me;
please try to understand.
Yeah to understand... me.
Just try to understand me.
Yeah, understand me.


Yep. That about sums up everything I felt for at least the last 4 months of those two years.

Telescope

by Graham Colton

Up here alone in this room
Watching you come into view
Off in the distance where I want you to stay
Can't get you out of my mind
I'm tired of passing the time
I've got your picture and all I can do is try to look away

You disappear in the crowd
I scream but don't make a sound
I never know when you might come back again
So close but don't let me in
You still get under my skin, and it's showing
And all I can do is try to look away

You're in my telescope
You don't wanna get too close
It's easy to stay where you feel safe
You circle around at night and shine like a satellite
It's easier when you're far away