I'm not ready for this.

I know Justin, or Cory, or someone will find my "new" blog, and should this post be on it, controversy would ensue.

Maybe this is Airbone Toxic Effect. Or maybe this is Sam's Octoberfest. Or maybe this is a reaction to Dollhouse. Or maybe this is hormones. But...I'm crying. For the first real time in nine months, I'm sad. Not only was I a smash tonight, but I was the biggest smash I've been in three years. And all of my time with Chris had prepared me for this evening. I knew how to speak to mom and dad (okay, my love for dogs and psychology definitely helped with mom). I amazed the shit out of Justin, who thinks girl WoW players who have watched Airplane and do watch Clone Wars are awesome. If he said, "I love you," once, he said it twelve times, and followed it with, "can you come over more often?" Mrs. L hugged me three (or was it four?) times. And Cory? There was nine years of longing in this evening. It showed in the anxiety of making me dinner, the entire 37-paged dialogue he wrote (that we read together), and each and every time he touched me.

The point of this rant? Fear. Alex has reminded me that if I want another man in my life, I will find a way to make it happen. I don't know if I can do that.

I lost myself twice tonight. After reading our dialogue (and the fact that I could read it, without serious fear, right there with him), and watching his expressions. The haunting of Chris didn't help (he liked to "watch" me and took pleasure in my pleasure; the "anxiety"), but he was easier to put out of my mind than I thought he would be.

I don't want to sleep, 'cause once I dream, I know it will be of Chris. He haunts me when I think I might like someone else. Really, I wish he wouldn't. I wish he wouldn't be the model by which I compare everyone. It's not fair...to me, to everyone, fuck, even to him.

In any event, I looked upon Cory twice tonight with emotion in my heart. Maybe it's the fact that it took us nine years to get to this point, maybe it's the whole of him, maybe I just wasn't able to be as strong as usual in the specific situation; I don't know. But I know I lost a little bit of my iron will. The fact that any emotion could eke out scares the ever living fuck out of me. Leaving things off as, "we'll talk," was good, 'cause there's no solid next time. We haven't made new hiking plans, or talking plans, or anything. It keeps me at my distance, the only thing I know how to maintain anymore.

But shit, if Liz was right this whole time would I have to invite her?

Let's just pretend I didn't think that. See? I do not want to think that!!!!!!!

Oh, and if I pull any, "what's going on in there?" (a/k/a "what are you thinking?") bullshit ever again, I'm escorting myself to the door, regardless of situation.

Done hiding.

I'm not hiding anymore, but I'm no longer posting to this site either. You can find me at WordPress these days.

The real "good bye"?

"Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain"

Screw it.

So much for my farewell, yeah?

I don't care at the moment who reads this. I've been drinking some wine, and I'm going to write one of my Daily Spark journals.

Task: "What was your most humiliating junior high experience? Write a short, possibly funny, description of it."

I'm not entirely sure I had one humiliating junior high experience that stands out above the rest. I feel like Frost Valley probably ices the cake, if anything. I opted to go on a nature-trip with all of the other honors eighth graders, packing my baggy red jeans and NYR boxers, which, for some reason I wore proudly like a boy. I proceeded to get my period on the trip, and tell just about everyone. Then I refused to participate in most things, got angry at the romances on the trip (Bess & Mark playing frisbee?! WTF?!) and sulked most of the time. I honestly don't remember much about the trip, save for the compost smelled funny and I was at a very awkward age. Our room named our toilet bowls Joan and Jane Flushing. 'Nuff said.

Oh eighth grade, you amuse me.

'Night, kiddies.

all good things must come to an end.

Dear everyone that reads this,

Those of you that have understood me, and know how I work, and can read everything I've written accurately, thank you. You've made my blogging experience worthwhile.

Those of you that asked me questions when I was difficult to understand, so you could keep my life straight in your head, thank you too. I'm fascinated that you were interested enough in the first place, let alone enough to make a clearer picture.

Those of you that did neither of the above, and simply chose to create drama based on something you neither understood nor knew nothing about, shame on you. I sincerely hope someone creates trouble for you after misunderstanding you and not being intelligent enough to find out any additional information. 'Cause you know what? That's extremely frustrating.

So, to keep the b/s to a minimum, goodbye my favorite blog evar. If you seriously want to read what I have to write/say, you can either become a master of the internets and e-stalk Google until you find me or you can ask me for my new blog information. Otherwise: problem. fucking. solved.

In conclusion:
Alex and I finally did have that talk I had mentioned I wanted to have, and as it turns out, I was pretty off. The only "information" she actually had for me was some hearsay that she classified as such and a lack of opinion/judgment because she doesn't/didn't know MD at all. So all of that "bad people" stuff I had mentioned was, a) the way I talk (I call people "bad people," but don't actually think they're bad; I just like the way that sounds); and b) based solely off of things that are inadmissible because they're either not firsthand or from forever ago. What she wound up telling me was that she had no opinion, because she had nothing to go on, but she would be happy for me regardless of what decision I made, so long as I was happy. That's why she's my friend. Because she's just amazing like that.

What hurts me most in the situation that unfolded because of a passing statement I made that was both fundamentally incorrect and never followed-up on, is that one of the people I love and am finally getting to see more often, got hurt by this. No one thought to ask me what it meant, or why I said it, or if it actually meant anything to me. What I find baffling though, was that after it was written, I didn't change anything. Did I stop talking to or seeing MD? If Alex's opinion was my driving motivation for follow-through, wouldn't I have been like, "aw, fuck this; she don't like him? I'm outtie."? I mean really. Am I that pathetic a person that I would take someone else's opinion and make it mine? I've spent all of my life proud that I don't do that. And what were those words I said less than twenty-four hours ago? "Even if he didn't like you, I don't care. It'd just mean I couldn't talk to him about you." Yeah. That's how I roll.

But instead, I'm spending my Monday evening writing a fucking farewell blog because I can't seem to write down thoughts without someone coming at me with intent to wound. Here's a tip for those people: if you ever want me to disappear, just continue to create drama. I'd much rather drop the people in my life that are involved than I would live with it. I will do everything I can to avoid it, so if you want me to go away, create it, 'cause I will be gone faster than you can finish your next uninformed potential lie.

Lastly: I'm dating MD. I've managed not to use his name, because, well, basically I don't think he'd prefer it coming up in a Google search on him later. But there it is: I'm dating him. Because I want to, and because he wants to date me, and because I enjoy the time I've spent with him thus far. Whatever happens, happens. If I've made it through James, Rob, Chris and Sam, I can make it through fucking anything.

Starting a new blog somewhere else from scratch might be good for me anyway. I can write without bias, knowing nobody I'm dating, have dated or am close (or not so close) friends with will be reading it. Ultimately, I do this for me anyway. So goodbye cruel world. Good luck in all of your endeavors.

the "good days" keep on comin'

Let's see, I got maybe all of three hours of sleep last night, after taking a three hour nap (through the Yankee game--falling asleep in the second inning and waking up for the post-game wrap up), but I woke up, had some freshly made pancakes (thanks, dad!) and coffee, then spoke with Verizon to see my options for getting off Chris's phone plan (has it been 5 months? whoops?). Lynn chimed in to remind me of a conversation we must have had about joining their plan and making a family one. So after some quick (okay, it took us a little while) calculations, we found it was advantageous for me to join in, with them only paying an extra thirty bucks a month or so. I'm not sure if I'll have to toss them the cash, but thirty is better than the seventy I'd be paying were I to go solo. So, basically, win.

Lynn asked if I would go with her to take the dogs to get their nails cut, so I agreed. Three dogs, two women and one five-year old filed into the truck and went on a nail-cutting adventure. It actually worked out well. I wish I could have held my Casey while she tried to get away from the event, but I was there, so I felt better about that at least.

KJ and I played army for a little while, until it was time for him to gear up for tee-ball team photos. I was getting my things together, but my dad tossed me a coach's shirt to denote I was in, if I wanted to be, on team photos. That made me happy, so I went with. Ten out of the thirteen kids showed up, and it was a pleasure to see them in a non-game environment, despite their still being in their uniforms. Anyways, the team photo itself should be adorable: my dad, myself and ten 5-and-6-year olds. Glorious!

I headed off to work following the photo shoot, where I spent almost two hours filing. This was my plan -- I was coming in just to file. The pile was huge, but I did EOBs first, then alphabatized the rest, then filed everything. I managed to find all but three files. One of them I'm almost certain is out of the office, so in essence, I'm actually only missing two files. This is a much better record than the last time I tried filing, wherein I was missing a ton.

After the work interlude, I came home and napped for a while, trying to catch myself up on the lost sleep of the night before. I stumbled out of bed just before six, showered, cleaned up my clothes and stuff lying around and chatted with mom while I did my hair and makeup. MD picked me up at seven and took me to an Italian restaurant in Babylon, which was quite nice. I feel the spiteful urge to write, "I haven't had good conversation and laughed in a long time," so there it is. But in actuality, I'm not an asshole, and that's not true. Anyways, it still was good conversation and laughs and such. I'm invited to Wildwood in August. I'm supposed to get on a roller coaster. I need to get on getting that tattoo I've always wanted. Aside from these things, if MD seeks to change anything about me, he's done for. But they aren't person-compromising, so I think I'm okay with them ... for now.

After dinner, which included a fabulous desert of a "Bomba" -- chocolate & vanilla gelato with a cherry center covered with a dark chocolate shell -- I stopped home to change into something a little more comfortable and then went to MD's sister's apartment. Both sisters & brother-in-laws (well, one's a to-be, but the other is already) were there. Lisa & Gary came by, which I imagine was kind of because usually MD goes out with them on Saturday nights. We basically all sat around drinking beer, daqueris, or wine and watching True Blood episodes and then Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay. [[Side note: I love you, Neil Patrick Harris.]] We chatted and laughed and just hung out. It wasn't awkward at all, and I couldn't help but think I could settle in there fairly easily.

So it turns out Gary & Lisa are celebrating something of someone's tomorrow at the Beer Garden. They were in the process of inviting MD when my attention was caught, mostly due to the fact that I'll be in Astoria tomorrow afternoon/early evening helping BGM and Rob move. I all but invited myself to the Beer Garden, but I know MD would not only not mind, but would be thrilled were I there. So technically I will probably see him tomorrow. Aside from the little "we haven't really done anything yet" awkward, I'm comfortable with that. I might be too exhausted to stay very long, but I'll at least make an effort. Beer Garden new memories take 2: new relationship memories. Hopefully a person or two from the Astoria gang will be willing to come by with me so someone can actually give me an opinion of the boy and I can prove I have freinds. Heh. I think I scared MD though, by explaining some of the snobby ways of that group. I was embellishing slightly, I think, but I do that in my head anyways.

For now, sleep is beckoning. I'm already thinking about the next few days: Sunday-the move, Beer Garden; Monday-Verizon store with Lynn, work, visiting post-surgery Juliette & maybe making her some dinner; Tuesday-work, then a break? nah, probably seeing MD; Wednesday-work, then treking to the Bronx to go to a Yankee game with Tom; Thursday-aside from work, probably nothing, maybe relaxing; Friday-work, tee-ball, staying at dad's. Whew! I'm tired just thinking about it all!

'Night, kiddies. Here's to getting my move on with six hours of sleep under my belt. Hrm, I wonder if BGM & Rob will let me take a nap in their new pad...

quickie.

Heh. Quickie.

...anyways, It's like three hours past my bedtime (for tonight, at least), so Im'a make this quick.

- created yet another alt, this time on Deathwing, to play with MD the newb and his sister, soon to be brother-in-law and already brother-in-law. Figured I'd try to make a new shadow priest, but I know that'll get old at some point. I could just PCT the one on CC, but I kinda like playing with Mike, Rob, Jesse and such. Not that I do often, just that I could. And I would make a little "linda-rule" that I would not be on when my nemesis was. Simple as that.

- I'm pretty sure I was going to do something productive tonight, like clean something or finish my book, or look into grad schools, but nah. MD said he was playing so I found the group and joined in. Must've played for, oh, I dunno, three hours. Sheesh. Only level 8. Lamez0rs.

- Tomorrow I'm going to try to get to work at around 8:30 in the morning...which puts me at about 4 hours of sleep. I'm okay with that, mostly because of the three hour nap I took earlier. Whoops. Still loves me some napping.

- Tee-ball too, if it doesn't rain. Supposed to be some scattered thunderstorms. My favorite. (And no, that wasn't sarcasm.) I'm gonna stay at dad's, play some WoW, get on learning the whole Yankee lineup thing, and finish my book. Goals for tomorrow, huzzah.

- I'm also going to try to start using my Daily Spark book for Journal Writing. I bought that thing back when Rob & I lived in BK, and I think I may have even started using it. But it's so long ago, that any record is probably gone anyway. Not to mention my memory is so shot, I probably won't recall what I wrote in the first place.

- Not sure if I actually ever noted this, but I got four As and one A minus this semester. So it's easy to see that my shitty life last semester was the cause of my crappy Bs. I think I might take Mood Disorders again. But I guess that would be in my last semester anyway, 'cause I've got this upcoming one already situated. I'm taking: Natural Disasters, Environmental History, Politics and Society, Psychology of Prejudice and Drugs & the Brain. Know what's funny? I feel like Chris & I would probably be better for each other now than we ever were. S'a shame that ship sailed and it'll never come back 'round. I mean, there are certain things we probably could just never get past, but the more I "find myself," the more I find we'd actually have a lot in common. Heh. Go figure. In any event, I kind of like being the secure one. Not that I expect that to last forever, just that it's adorable to watch someone play the role of "Linda."

- Alright, sleep. Let's do this.

But seriously...

Tomorrow I go on a date. Like a real one, with a guy I like, that thinks I'm fucking awesome. I tried to tell him I wasn't, but I couldn't even convince myself. I actually don't even know if I'm going on a date. I know we're getting together. I know I met his sisters, and I love them. I know things could go really fast, but I won't let them. I'm scared out of my fucking mind.

Scared of what? Who the hell knows. I make a fool out of myself? ...whatever. I offend him? ...could I really? It doesn't work? ...wouldn't be the first time. So why why why???

Jo thinks this crushing part is the best part, but I don't know. I kind of like the comfortable stuff without the awkward wondering and whatnot. Will I get "you're so great" text messages forever? Probably not, but those die down in any relationship, I think. And if they don't...auto-keeper. <3 affection. <3 you to death.

HAHAHAHAHA

I just can't help but laugh. See the lead singer in this song? In January, I was enamored by him. In February, I couldn't get him off my back. I just think it's hilarious how much sex changes opinions. My crazy Valentine. Eh, I got roses.

I could tell stories, but I'll spare Mr. Ryan. If he hasn't stolen one (or several) of my songs by now, I think I'll give him permission to play them. So long as it doesn't come with dating!

Starting to see a connection...

I had a phenomenal weekend. So much so that I'm doing something I seem to do when I get scared. I start going over '07-'09 again. I get sad. I listen to horrible music, like Quote by Evans Blue:

Quote, you are my soul, unquote
Now does that sound familiar?
Kiss the boy and make him feel this way

Quote, well this is me, unquote
You have been so ugly your entire life
So why change now?

Is this how you want to go down?
Right before my eyes
You are the saddest sight I know
You're quiet; you never make a sound
But here inside my mind you are the loudest one I know

Quote, we never talk, unquote
And that's when I don't answer
Don't you dare ask why
Because you don't want to know

Quote, well woe is me, unquote
How different I've become
And no one understands, my dear, no one really cares

And you were right, right from the start
It took everything you had, but you finally broke my...

And now the old things will pass away
I saw your light once
Did you see mine?
But not all things will pass away
You turned your light off
So I turned mine, away from your sadness, away from the nothing that you feel for me

Is this how you want to go down?
Right before my eyes, you are the saddest sight, I know
You're so quiet and you never make a sound
But here inside my mind you are the loudest one, I know
And you were right, right from the start, it took everything you had, but you finally broke my ...

Quote, hey listen 'cause I'll only say this once
I finally found the words
That mean enough to me
Good bye my soul, unquote

I'm starting to think this is some kind of mechanism my brain turns on to create defenses. Last time I did this I had decided I liked SH and wanted to let go of my past bullshit and worry only about the future. Should have made that the present, but better off I didn't, or I'd be just another stupid girl.

Anyway, I'm 116% certain MD is nothing like SH. The things that made SH appealing made him a douchebag. The things that make MD appealing are the things that should. I don't think I'll go into this stuff right now, because part of me is convinced he's found this blog and simply going to sit there and read what I think about him before actually hearing it from me. Then again, the way I work he'll hear it wayyyyyyyyy later, 'cause I'll keep it all safely stored in defensive-land, where my dominating thought is, "I don't even know you." It's a bad sign when you meet a sister or two and immediately think, "don't like her; it'll just be more difficult later." Or, hell, maybe it's a good sign.

Well, he's now aware I have stupid emotional baggage that I'm purging. That's...um...good? Fuck, man, who cares? He stays, he goes, what does it matter? But he gets it. And maybe it's cause of where he is right now, because that would explain everything (I've been there, I know), but regardless of why, I think I'm pretty lucky right now. I should think about that and maybe consider getting some sleep. Stupid naps.

In closing, more Evans Blue:

if it's no ones fault, there's just no one to blame
and nothing to say
this time it's no one's fault, so there's nothing to save
and no one to hate
but I want to so bad...believe me

A "good day."

Today, albeit a busy day, qualifies as a good one. I was at our Lake Success office at 10:30am and done at 2:30pm. Having forgotten my gigantic local clams and pasta, made for me by my new office manger, I ventured out to Stony Brook to collect my yummy treat. I stopped to work for about two hours, but it was okay, because I got a lot done and I'm prepared for tomorrow. Also, I guess it can also be looked at like I made a bunch of money.

Anyways, I brought my delicious meal home, heated it up and had it for dinner at 7. Then I went to get Mike from the train station and bring him to Liz's to pick up the new member of his & Jenny's family, N00b (which I will not spell without zeros, ever, no matter how incorrect it might be). I drove them back to Astoria and when I went to text Liz that they were home safe & sound, I had a text from Raab, telling me he thought I'd be out (and he had a cookie for me). Since I was but blocks away, I stopped by McGinty's for two (yes, only two) drinks. It was initially a small group of people in honor of Joe's visit, but it quickly dwindled down to Raab, BGM, Ricky and myself, where we shared another drink (the second one), some silly laughs, and good times.

I stopped for street meat before heading home, mostly because the last time I did that, I did not get to enjoy it and had to throw it out the next day. On the trip home, I sought out MD via text. Thought about texting SH too, but I reallllllly don't want to do that. So I asked MD about a hang-out offer I had received from a mutual friend, to see if it sounded like he was asking me on a date, which we agreed. MD said he should tell him to keep his hands off of his kool-aid. A little (girly) party of me went, "eep! he called me his kool-aid!" followed by some weird "it's new, and it's not really anything just yet," emotion. I let it go at that and didn't respond to that particular message, but another one, and we said "good night," and stopped chatting.

I need to talk to Alex. She thinks MD is bad people (or maybe just bad people for me), though I'm not entirely sure that's true. Laying it out (briefly) for Joana, it seems like we have a lot in common. But, for some reason, I'm hesitant. I think it's the "it never friggin' works out" fear, but some of it is, "don't rush shit, Linda." I clearly make that mistake wayyyy too often, and I think he does too. Oh well, maybe it's time I find someone else that does that, so we can be foolish together.

Orrrrr maybe I should shutthefuckup, enjoy life, and stop worrying about stupid boys. Yeah. Yeah, I'll do that.




...but....but he called me his "kool-aid."

Now I must be EXTRA stupid.

I didn't get uber-angry, or come up with some way to "trick" a response. But I'm a big fan of understanding, and if something goes awry, I want to know why. Even if it's entirely my fault, or even if it isn't something that can be fixed, or even if it makes me feel bad, I still want to know. So I asked. And I offered that answering me would get rid of me faster. And then I poked, but not in a naggy way, in a "duuuuuuude wtf?!" way. And, forgetting I changed my WoW toon name, I said 'hi' in game. Then had to explain who I was. Whoops. No real getting out of that one, so seeing as I was getting a response, I did the "WTF?" thing. I got some answers. Not particularly good ones, but not particularly bad ones. I threw the stupid ball at him, and said, "whatever." The part that kills me was this was in game. I still can't get over that. Anyways, it'll be what it'll be, I guess, even if that's plain ol' nothing. I'm not a huge fan of not having that control to decide if it'll be anything, but I'm not shutting myself off to the rest of the world either. I just...kinda liked him, is all.

In the realm of things that are part of my normal life, tee-ball was exceptionally fun today. It was allllmost rained out again (today was a makeup game). The other team had maybe 6 kids show, while we had about 9 (out of 13). The kids had a "tickle the helmet coach" moment, until I called "tickle break." Kellen was a monster that needed less sugar or a tranq shot or something, but he makes me so happy. Cole cried because I "moved his spot," in the lineup, which was adorable. Every kid loves to bat last and hit a "home run," except Cole, who couldn't understand the concept of 'rotation' and why we were doing it. I wanted to hug him and squeeze him and tell him he could bat anywhere he wanted in the lineup. Of course, when he realized last was, like, a cool spot to be in, he wanted back in. Dad's a little hard him, though, but I liked the way he said, pitching the ball to his son, "swing hard, like you want to kill me." Maybe that's 'cause I'm just a teeny bit screwy in the head.

My dad, on the other hand, complimented my LI song and discussed Tim's comment about adding harmonica & bass. This is a little very weird for me. I feel like Tim should maybe stick around in my life, though I sent him a response explaining that I didn't think we'd be "good" together. He wanted to know why, and the part of me that wants to know why about stuff (see above) answered him, 'cause it was fair to, and I respected that. Anyways, dad wants to mix other stuff into my song, and was really proud of me, and well...that made me happy too. I kinda like my family now.

Oh, and side note? Love achievements; love daily quests; need intervention.

What am I, stupid?

I let you "have a chance." For what?

I let you know everything I was afraid of.

I let you see how silly and how crazy I really am.

I lied to one of my absolute best friends, because you convinced me it was a good idea. Now we're not even speaking, and I don't know how to fix it, or what exactly is broken. But I know he'd make me forget about you.

I actually cared. This is new. I haven't given a shit about anything in five months.

And what'd you do? The same thing you said you wouldn't; the same thing that is your "nature." But I knew all along, I just didn't want to believe it. As soon as this is cleared from my system: never fucking again. (Not that I'm never fucking again, just that I will never get this involved with anyone. Ever.)

Everyone told you not to do that to me; I'm a good girl. But since when have you listened to anyone, really.

Do I need to find a new WoW guild? Can I just leave you on 'ignore'? Can I ever LARP again? No need to worry about gchat; you're successfully avoiding that well enough for both of us.

Today's funny dictionary word is "naive." I feel like the universe is laughing at me.

"I look at the ground
and give the sky the middle finger.
Something inside said
'Here's a day you should remember,
so mark it on a wall.'

I never believed it could happen to me;
something like this only happens to dumb girls;
taking themselves too seriously;
I was so damn smart,
I was the one girl
who never believed it could happen to me.
Something like this only happens to somebody else."

-Dumb Girls, by Lucy Woodward

all over the place.

Here's another one of those random blogs.

- Wanted to take a Positive Psych summer course online, but really don't want to give up my summer. So I'm not.

- Poof-be-gone situation #2. So much for the "begging for a chance" of February/March. Fuck men.

- An ex is fucking a friend. They knew each other before he & I or she & I had met, but still. The ex is no longer my friend now. Especially after the gossip bullshit came out last night drinking with a friend that was my BFF in high school, and now works with the ex.

- I don't feel like being around people anymore. Selfish, nasty creatures. Right now I'd like to put three or four of them into a flesh-barrel and set it on fucking fire. So douchebags and weasels and liars can burn eternal.

- Now to return to my regularly scheduled beating-the-fuck-out-of things on my computer. Today, Blizzard, you can be my friend.

some super positive happy shit.

Holy hell, temporary insanity. I started today on kind of the same path as last night, but work turned it around. I was forced to do things with people I don't hate. For once, work was welcome. And mind you this is immediately after getting a call from Gucci.com to ask me for more information about my order...if you know me at all, you'd know I definitely didn't order anything from Gucci.com. So evidently my credit card information was snatched from the interwebs at some point. I immediately called AmEx. Nothing was charged to the card (yet), but 700-something dollars was pending authorization. So if and when I see that/those charge(s) pop up, I can call and report fraudulent activity. Lighting up a stress-relief cancer stick, I thought, rather ironically, Shit. Could it actually get worse?!

And it didn't. It didn't necessarily get better either, but it leveled itself out. There was work. And school. And both of those leave little room for crazy thoughts. Fortunately, we did some meditation practice in Buddhism. I wish I could list all of the things I brought to mind when instructed to focus on 'anger.' But I think people pretty much know what has pissed me off, so there's no real need to list anyway (plus, who wants to leave incriminating evidence?). The meditation was definitely relaxing enough to calm me down some. It didn't make me happy, as it was supposed to, but that was because I couldn't come up with the "happiest moment of my life." I came up with some happy times, which were as intricate as sleeping under my grandmother's arm during thunderstorms when I was younger or as general as petting a puppy, but nothing that stood out above the rest. Slightly disappointed, I polled a few friends. Two out of five answered, which made me feel a little better because the other three were like, "damn, I don't know." So I'm not the only one. But I should really start thinking about that. And meditating. Who knows; maybe it'll help.

Anyways, I'm stalling writing my Buddhism paper and writing out some answers to my Ecology study questions. There's only 100 of those to get done by Sunday. Final's next Wednesday, too. Looks like it's going to be a busy two weeks.

...good.

No, really. I came mostly out of my funk. I'm back to defending myself the best way I know how--completely crushing any feelings that come up. Aside from this weekend, it's worked really well. I keep to myself, always keep busy, and stop stalking. Once I get those down, whatever happens, happens. No matter who fucking likes it or not.

reflections of a crappy-ass weekend.

Friday I can't talk much about, but I can say the Blue October concert was fucking phenomenal. I love those guys so much, especially live. As for the rest of the night, it went downhill. I got emotionally nostalgic and then in almost a lot of trouble. I played the "get out of jail free" card, to its most literal extent, and have not been the same since. Aside from shame and embarrassment, I am disappointed in myself. For the past few months I was doing what I thought was quite awesome, and then it took a turn and I feel like I'm damaging myself. And I can't tell what came first: the turn or the boy.

In any event, my Saturday was changed due to my Friday night, but I did manage to have a pretty good lunch with Chris (this is a whole 'nother Chris; there are like 9 in my life), who came to my rescue (the second time--to give me a ride). I was also run through an instance by Rob and Sam, but that doesn't make WoW matters any better; I still can't do the shit myself. But whatevs, I leveled my undead whore to 68 and made it to Nagrand. I still don't feel like she's mine, you know? I played 63 levels on fucking 'follow' for the most part, and only now am I trying to figure out what the hell the game is even about. It looks to me like a time-killer, but lately...well, I've been so down, killing time works. I won't get into the other shit I had to mentally deal with last night 'cause it already put me over the top of my stress-limit today. In short, I'm a hot topic of conversation. But I'm pretty sure I set the need for that aside today, and for all the wrong reasons this time.

Today I did the MS Walk, for which I raised $750. Rena was supposed to come with me, but she went to a bachelorette party last night and did not get up in time. I forgot to expect her not to come, but fortunately I'd done it often enough in my past, that I was fine. I think being emotionally fucked-up from everything made my apathy all the stronger. In any event, what made me most happy about the entire event were the dogs. I chose Belmont Lake because they were hosting the "Pooch Parade" and I knew that meant there would be some 30-odd dogs at least. There were. I pet lots o'puppies.

And I walked. I walked in front because I guess I'm kind of an impatient walker. I have a faster default pace than most, I think. I don't know if it's a city-related thing, or I'm just that impatient a person. It rained, the entire time. I started out with a raincoat on, hood up, but after loitering before the actual walking part for a while, I opted to just let the rain fall on me. Halfway through the walk itself, I took the raincoat off. I was wearing a long-sleeved shirt with a t-shirt over that and a sweatshirt over that. I'm not entirely sure why I dressed for the tundra, but at least I could shed layers, and that made the rain kind of refreshing.

At 10:30 or so, the walk was over. Mind you, it began at 10. I had only begun my inner reflections around the last bend or so of the trail, so without much thought, I shed another layer, geared back up, and went for two. As I walked again, I wondered why I opted to do it. Did I feel like one "lap" was cheating? Then I thought back to an episode of House wherein Wilson goes for a walk in the bitter cold without a jacket. House figures he's either lost his mind and actually forgotten the coat, or he was punishing himself. So I thought maybe that's what I was doing.

Punishing myself for what, you might ask? Not having enough self-respect, mostly. For playing a game the deep, inner workings of my soul knows I can't win, but still playing anyway. Maybe that's why my brain lost control and I've felt like a crazy woman for days. Referring back to my setting aside the need for conversation, well, I started to slowly stand up for myself. I semi half took it back, but the damage is done. I am officially back to insane. And the only way to cut the crap is to cut the apron strings. As referenced by my prior incredibly brief blog post, everyone wins. Except me, but I did that to myself. Regardless, walking two laps, in the rain, without warm clothes didn't punish me enough. I spent the remainder of today doing that mentally, and tossing around the remainder of events from the weekend.

I hope I can snap out of this at some point, 'cause I'm not sure I know how to live like this for very long. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I'm not hungry, I'm not thirsty; I just want to sleep and turn my brain off. As a matter of fact, I didn't do my paper (due Wednesday) so I don't even think I can get better than a B in Buddhism. Although the B wouldn't kill me, I should still write the stupid paper. I took books out of the library and all. And seeing as there's still two evenings to write it...

If I could only come up with the motivation. I'm utterly pathetic right now. And what's worse is knowing it is magnifying it. Fuck, I sure hope I come out with some super positive happy shit tomorrow or something.

everyone wins.

New plan: I date no one. I sleep with no one. There. Now not a single person can have a problem. No real sense in hoping for a "chance" either, 'cause there are none.

Everyone wins...'cept me, I guess. But what I was doing to myself wasn't healthy anyway. I'm much more sane when I'm alone. I think I'll take the loneliness over the fucking crazy.

concession...out of desire or being wounded?

I'm going to start changing names to protect innocent people. For this story, I'm "seeing" James and am being e-mailed by Paul.

Brief background on Paul: We hooked up a few months ago, for a very short period of time. He's still very hung up on an ex of over a year ago. His career goals are a little out of the realm of probable. I stopped seeing him because...well...he was a little clingy. Or maybe the word is controlling. I don't know; a combination of the two, I suppose.

I get an e-mail from Paul the other night, asking how I've been. I give the short story: school, work, family, and politely ask how he's been. His response entailed a request for a date when school is out. My first thought? Let's see where James stands on "us." 'Nowhere' is clearly the answer. The word "relationship" scares him. That's fair; we haven't really spoken to/been seeing each other very long. But in meeting him I realized I didn't really want to be involved with Paul.

So if I agree to this date--am I doing it because I really want to? Or because I'm just a little bit hurt by James's pseudo-denial? Am I subconsciously lowering my standards, or just my self-esteem? Is Paul a pick-me-up, because I know he'll be enamored by me?

I suppose I'm going to have to give him an answer soon. There's nothing "stopping" me from going, so I probably should just go. It's a date, not a marriage proposal. I'm just not a huge fan of dating because it presents itself; I'm a fan of dating because I am actually interested in pursuing something. And I don't think I am, with Paul. Of course, I am interested in such with James. Ah, well, I just keep telling myself there'll be other Jameses.

That might be my answer right there. And anything less than the truth is lying.

subjective opinions.

Unless you read an automotive journal, Consumer Reports, or have worked on automobiles long enough to be able to take them apart and accurately comment on what's going on "under the hood," how often should you be using the words, "X is better than Y"? I've had five cars thus far in my lifetime: a 1987 Dodge Charger (not the cool one; the one that looked like a Plymouth Duster), a 1989 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme, a 1997 Chevrolet Cavalier, a 1997 Volkswagon Cabrio Highline and my current 2007 Ford Focus. I have had problems with each and every one of these babies, and rightfully so--cars fall apart, ultimately. Aside from hearing from some unknowledgeable teenage asshole about how "plastic" the Cavalier is versus the "strong, metal" Cutlass, what information do I have as to the durability of these cars?

The answer is none. I would be basing anything I had to say on my particular experience. It would be biased, and it would be inaccurate. Yet I see this happen all the time. I am constantly in contact with people who think they are automobile connosoirs, and only twice have I ever spoken to someone who's built a car, or taken an engine apart.

Eh, I suppose I'm being snobby and cranky. I've been awake about fifteen minutes, so I suppose the sleepy has something to do with it as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is stop making comparative judgements based on absolutely no scientific information! At least all I can see that comes from it is an aura of ignorance. Who wants that, really?

for all the right reasons.

I was going to write an "in yo face" blog about all the good things I have in my life, and comment on how weak and stupid my dream blog was, but...well..."I don't want to be that guy anymore." Writing some "I'm better than you" public information is cheating. No, it's vain. Vain and immature. Two things I have had trouble escaping. So here's an additional effort to do so. I am two weeks away from summer and things are surprisingly good; no need to try to make myself feel like a level competitor. I'm finally starting to feel like I don't need to do that. Which is kind of amusing really--I win; know why? 'Cause I don't care about winning.

Wait, don't get me wrong here: writing about the good goings-on is wonderful--encouraging, even--but doing it as a reaction, or in a boastful way, that's where things get screwy.

Anyway, onto other stuff... in about 4 minutes I'm going to force myself to sit down and write my Long, Strong Island paper. You know, the one that accompanies the song, so that I can get that A. I played the song for the class yesterday evening. At least 60-70 people sat and stared as I capo'ed the second fret of my pretty new blonde baby, played G/C/D Am/D G/D/G/C/D/G over and over and sang what seemed to me to be lyrics that would never make the cut. My teacher spent the five minutes following my perfomance praising me and making the class aware of specific lyrics. In short, I was a hit. Being such put me on a high horse for the remainder of the evening too. I think I drank 4 "celebratory" beers, played some WoW with Mike, talked to the two people closest to me atm, put on the new Depeche Mode album and danced and laughed all night. Holding Buddhism class outside on the lawn (and getting hit on by some 20-year old cutie) definitely helped the rising spirits too, but they were before I even played the song. ;) Okay, maybe it was wearing that dress too. I can't help but think about Chris telling me I looked good in it as I strolled down Clyde Street the day he signed the lease on his apartment. I think that picks me up an extra confidence point or two.

So the best few days I've had in a long time were Saturday-Tuesday. I'm still not out of the scared-out-of-my-mind woods yet, as my trust is still at a dangerously low level, but I'm workin' on it, and I'm determined. 'Cause no matter what happens ultimately, I get something good out of everything I do. Unfortunately, I can sometimes see what I'm going to get from someone way early in a friendship/relationship/interaction; I just hope in knowing what that is, it doesn't coincide with a forseen "end." Then again, what did I just finish saying? Even if a relationship of any kind ends, I still get something from it. So it shouldn't really matter, should it?


The answer is 'no.' But I'm still not a fan of "ends"!

Inspired by Ms. Cipriani

A year ago I was writing blogs about how I was proud I didn't have a "Wednesday" fight, and I was driving past Rob's house on Sunday nights. I "hoped Chris never resents me for changing him." I wondered if getting upset to a lesser degree, but always on the same days was progress. I wanted to "burn down Blizzards HQ and subsequent offices."

...I'd go back farther, but I don't really want to know that I was unhappy even before then.

What did I do?

Oh, and also, today? Knock me down. I fucking dare you. IMPOSSIBLE!

all's well that ends well

...or so they say. I have an awesome day with Ryan, filled with coffee, cigarettes, a five hour long psychology conference and an arboretum walk. Then I get home and nap, wherein I dream about Chris. The Fuck?

I dream about the same three people, over and over. Two less than the third. Am I really still "getting over it?" I guess so, or I probably wouldn't be wondering who joined along in the Rego Park walking adventure.

Okay, yes, I'm still sleepy, and hurt, dream fresh in my mind. I don't remember details, save for there being little kids around while we rode in the back of an SUV with them and Roz. I'm pretty sure she had just...had two more kids, or something. We were all very family-esque and on our way "home" -- for them, I think. Getting everything out of the car, I was looking around for one of the kid's toys, and Chris shook it from outside of the SUV. "Is that you telling me you already grabbed it?" I ask. He nods. I smile. Something else quite similar occurs in the same setting, and shutting the door, I remark, "I missed you."

Do I? I don't know. I mean, I'm sure the dream came up because I was talking to Ryan about getting off of this island [for graduate school] and how I had more "tying me down" when I was with Chris. I may or may not have also mentioned the words, "I almost broke up with you right then," regarding my smoking. But the content of the dream was kind of painful and unnecessary. I have this weird belief that dreams let us live out what we refuse to acknowledge and deal with consciously. Not all the time of course -- my love for burritos versus their appearance in my dream content is definition not proportional -- but with some of the really emotional stuff. So that makes me wonder: do I miss him more than I am willing to let on? No, but mostly out of spite because he doesn't miss me. And yes, because, in a twisted way, he spoiled me. I couldn't fit into his standards, and now I'm afraid no one will ever fit in mine.

I've dropped the WoW thing. I've recently come to realize (better late than never?) boys will be boys. It's only really a problem when you're not willing to put the computer down and go outside, or go be social. Which brings me to my second point: being social. If I had only known being social had as many negative points as it does positive. Sure, it's good for networking. It's also phenomenal to up your interpersonal skills. However, content is ridiculously important. I am definitely holding out for someone that can hold an intellectual conversation and not need it to be a debate/argument. I believe that possibility exists; I've totally seen it.

On somewhat more of an aside, I'm not really thrilled with the basis for any relationship being "so will I see you this week?" Thank you for the compliment, and I have needs too, but what exactly do I do with something that won't go anywhere? It just takes me farther from the thing I love most: love. Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly sad about it (or would my dream beg to differ?), I just miss it sometimes, even if it was a lie...though it didn't feel like one. With the addition of "intelligent conversation" to my long list of necessary attributes (don't worry, "affection" is atop the list), the likelihood I'll ever find someone that's more than just something to do gets even smaller. Amendment 4/26/09: or does it?

Anyways, I'm wayyyy off track. So, yeah, in a way I miss Chris. But as I once wrote,
"It's the wrong way; it's the long way
but I guess it's okay
as long as someday I get home."

Long Island: an advertisement (the video)

Well, folks, here it is. Original lyrics in the post below.

Long Island: an advertisement

"Long, Strong Island" by L. Kudla (c) 2009

In the 18th century, G-Dubbs needed a hand
The British came around and tried to take all of our land
But out near Setauket, with laundry lines and Culper spies
We made our own plan

they couldn't take the heat
we got those Brits to retreat.

From our long, strong island
away from our long, strong island
so change at Jamaica for the train to Port Jefferson.

Cold Spring Harbor was a major whaling hub of the day
For three years at a time our men were carried away
Instead of coping, some wives would go, they might cook or sew
it was just the life they made.

They had to find some nice big kills
so they could pay the bills

And live on this long, strong island
afford this long, strong island
so change at Jamaica for the train to Oyster Bay.

If you want to get around and you have a car
without Mr. Moses you wouldn't get very far
From bridges to tunnels to our native parks, closed after dark
he helped lay down the tar

Some laws he may have breached
but he gave us all Jones Beach

And made this long, strong island
he helped make this long, strong island
so change at Jamaica for the train to Babylon.

With the growth of suburbia and recreation on the rise
A house out east was just part of the prize
Hard work in the city, paid off in fun out in the Hamptons
it was their status symbolized

Wouldn't need to take the train
'cause you'd have your own airplane

To get to this long, strong island
to and from this long, strong island
So change at Jamaica for the train to Montauk.

If you want to come and visit there's some sights you might see
Old Bethpage Restoration or perhaps a winery
there's just so much to do: come see the Big Duck, or the Long Island Ducks
We're full of history.

Out on our long, strong island
yes it's our long, strong island.
You can change at Jamaica for the train to Penn Station
Yes, you can change at Jamaica for the train to Penn Station.

SIDE NOTE!

Taken from just another chick-flick, The Holiday:

"Why am I attracted to a person I know isn't good?"

"I happen to know the answer to this. Because you are hoping you are wrong, and every time she does something that tells you she is no good, you ignore it; and every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself that she's not for you."

"Exactly. And on the top of that, there is an old standby: I cannot believe a girl like that would be with a guy like me."

I guess I understand that a little better now. And not only can I see it the driving force of several relationships I know of, I think it also defined my last one as well as whateverthefuck I'm doing now (only the inverse). That's mildly depressing.

Life = good.

I accidentally slept through Friday night, but that's okay, because I think I may have caught up on the whole sleep deprivation thing.

Saturday, I ran around like a crazy woman:
- went to our LS office for an hour & showed my receptionist how to do something billing-related, then hung out with two patients in the waiting room for an hour.
- came home and read for school in the sun for an hour.
- haircut w/ Tracy (the best!) who actually knows how to thin hair, unlike the last girl I saw at LT -- now I don't have to poke at Chris to get back into Bb., or pay $150 bucks for a haircut.
- came back home and did a little more homework, then was accompanied by my 11-year old neighbor, Des, to play with my keyboard while I cleaned my room up and swept and swiffered the floor.
- headed out to dad's with a friend for his bar/cocktail party. Cousin Scott & family came. One other friend of mine came. Still good with dad & Lynn's friends/co-workers and some family and some friends.
- got home 'round 11, had a "good night," passed out.

Today is proving to be nice and relaxing, save for the homework I have planned. Played a lil' WoW for an hour or two (finally got an updated TomTom mod and fixed my bars). For the last hour or so, I've just been bullshitting with the neighbors who have been doing work in my kitchen.

I'll have to start writing my song and paper for LI History at some point soon. But first, I think I'll just do my RA work and code for an hour or two. Then again, with all of these people here, I'm not entirely sure I could concentrate. I've been typing this for probably an hour, and you can see how long it isn't. Maybe I'll log back onto WoW for another hour or so. ;)

w00t. good times.

Strong enough.

I just needed a quick reminder [to myself] that I am a strong person. I'm too empathetic sometimes. I'm too apathetic in others. I'm selfish too. Not always; I've gotten much better at that. But sometimes I don't do the right thing because the consequence of it might negatively affect me.

I'm not sure how I feel about this stuff. I am fairly grounded in my morals, but the ones that straddle the line are shruggable. Some days I feel like doing something about them, other days it's "totally cool, totally cool, totally cool....seriously."

I have no idea what my brain is doing tonight. It worked hard, it napped, it studied and then it went into super-empath mode, had serious conversation(s), went through denial and then finally got tired and made me sad. Now I'm just stuck in "I should really be sleeping + I have a quiz in 5 hours + I need better willpower."

Gah! Willpower, WTF?! Some days > all the shit that happens, some days < everything, ever.

Back to Good

Blue October may always be able to pick me up (oh, the irony!) with that song Jump Rope. Screw those guys. They put a "life's gonna suck sometimes" song immediately following an "omg will it ever stop hurting?" one. So for all the emo I manage to eke out of track 8, track 9 always goes, "but you'll be all right." Fucking optimism. ;)

Yeah, so, the cryptic stuff subsided (slowly) last night. I spent like 627,244,071 hours on the phone, which was...weird, but welcome. I forgot I could talk that long in one sitting. I really haven't spent that much time on one phone call since...I guess since I used to gab Chris's ear off. I mean, Joana and I have some long talks, as have Mike and I, and Juliette and I definitely spend entirely too long on the phone, but I thought I had managed to vow never to bore someone to sleep again. Ah, well, I won't. As much as I love the chatty chat (with people I actually want to talk to), that was a little much, even for me. I imagine it's mostly me, 'cause you know what they say (or, at least, the Punch an' Pie people say it), "two situations, same deal...only one thing in common...you." I can be perfectly happy with random half-hour conversations; the kind with back-and-forth but a know-when-to-call-it-quits air to it. S'funny, so long as I shrug everything off, it's all still grand. More irony.

Anyways, I'm pretty sure Situation A didn't actually fuck up B. My brain is kind of responsible for that. Considering how open-minded I've been about things I never was before, I have more hope than I like to let on. And again, C isn't actually a problem.

In other news, I got a Coach bag today. I feel Long Island is trying to assimilate me. First, Mike points out last weekend at the Beer Garden that a Victoria's Secret has clearly attacked my feet. Unfortunately, I had no idea my bright pink toes were some kind of fashion faux pas. For Long Island, they're certainly not. Then today, Janine buys me a Coach bag because I'd commented that everyone seems to have one, and I never have. Granted, she got it for me because she appreciates how fucking awesome I am (have I mentioned that lately?), but I think I'm being taken alive. I won't have it. Long Island, you get away from me! I took a history class on you to see if you were cool, but you're really not. You're glacial runoff that wants credit for freeing slaves seventy years before everyone else. You're like that creepy guy in the corner of the bar. (James, I think his name is.) Somehow that stupid bag, immediately full of my belongings, still gets top bag priority. ::shakes fist::

So I should probably be writing my history project, which is a song on Long Island. (GO AWAY!) I'll post lyrics if and when I finally write it. Of course, if I don't, I basically fail that class. It would get me back that way, wouldn't it? Long Island, you fickle bitch, you.

Great place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.

I'm not entirely sure why I continue to be cryptic. Recent events have made it too clear that this whole Buddhism concept is entirely too true: everything is empty of inherent essence, and all things depend on both the potential to come into being and all other processes. What that means in English? Shit that happens influences all the other shit that happens.

I have so many thoughts. But censorship leaves them either in a WordMac doc or floating around in my brainspace. I can't say super mean things about Situation A, but I'm in the mood to. I can't say confused, disappointed things about Situation B, and I don't even know why not anymore. I can't say anything about Situation C, because for the love of God there will never really be a Situation C (although I suppose the potential exists provided I put myself in the proper context for it).

Let the crypic attempt at leaving myself something to get out the crazy thoughts and provide enough to remember what the fuck I was talking about in the first place (the hardest part) begin:

Situation A:
I'm thinking both

"Sometimes I feel like weeping; awaken when I'm sleeping; perfecting how to put a game face on."

and

"Fuck you...and your untouchable face. Fuck you...for existing in the first place. Who am I to be vying for your touch? Who am I...I bet you can't even tell me that much."


Situation B:
I'm incredibly torn between

"I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours. I pray to be only yours. I know now you're my only hope."

and

"Go and tell your white knight that he's handsome in hindsight, but I don't want the next best thing."


Situation C:
"One question haunts and hurts. Too much, too much to mention: Was I really seeking good or just seeking attention? Is that all good deeds are when looked at with an ice-cold eye? If that's all good deeds are, maybe that's the reason why no good deed goes unpunished."


Synopsis:
Dear Situation A: You've completely fucked up Situation B.
Dear Situation B: WTF with Situation C?
Dear Situation C: Neither Situation A nor Situation B even exist. It's all a dream.

I think I've lost my mind. I may in fact write a long-ass WordMac doc using actual names and information. Kinda wish I wrote a robot blog sometimes. But robots sort of suck.

Blue October comes through again!

Dear January 2007-December 2009,
Blue October wrote a song for us. It's called "Been Down" and on their new album titled "Approaching Normal." Life is funny that way sometimes.

I dreamt you seduced me just to walk away.
I dreamt you inspired then rewired what I say.
I dreamt you spread your bottom wings and pulled me to the bed,
but then I woke up feeling nauseous;
you danced around my head.
Tell me:

How long, how long have I been down
How long, how long have I been down
How long, how long have I been down
Down
Down

I dreamt you burned my fingers.
Yes, an automatic sting.
I dreamt you called me beautiful then asked to hear me sing.
I dreamt your scent invited me to crawl within your space,
but then I woke up feeling nauseous;
you danced around my face.
Tell me:

How long, how long have you been down
How long, how long have you been down
How long, how long have you been down
Down
Down

Then why can't we work, when we both try;
We try, we try, we try, we try.
Why can't this work, when we've both tried?
Why can't it work, when we both try;
We try, we try, we try.
How we've tried.
And how we tried.

I mean to sympathize,
I mean to be a friend.
I know apologizing won't erase the end;
But I've learned that moving on is where I must begin.
'Cause when our colors mixed
we couldn't fix the way they wouldn't blend.
So tell me:

How long, how long have we been down
How long, how long have we been down
How long, how long have we been down
Down
Down

And I wish that only greatness follow you around.
I hope to god you find a way to keep from down.
And when you do I hope you share it all with me;
please try to understand.
Yeah to understand... me.
Just try to understand me.
Yeah, understand me.


Yep. That about sums up everything I felt for at least the last 4 months of those two years.

Telescope

by Graham Colton

Up here alone in this room
Watching you come into view
Off in the distance where I want you to stay
Can't get you out of my mind
I'm tired of passing the time
I've got your picture and all I can do is try to look away

You disappear in the crowd
I scream but don't make a sound
I never know when you might come back again
So close but don't let me in
You still get under my skin, and it's showing
And all I can do is try to look away

You're in my telescope
You don't wanna get too close
It's easy to stay where you feel safe
You circle around at night and shine like a satellite
It's easier when you're far away

Miss Independent (a/k/a "note to self")

Briefly, as I need to get back to studying:

Things to remember:
1. I am fucking awesome.
2. Guys make me insecure. This is ridiculous. Stop it.
3. No matter how much I think I suddenly need someone to complete my existence, I actually love the feeling I get being by myself. Independence is a natural high.
4. If I could just carry these thoughts with me as the prominent ones at all times, I would stop with #2 much more easily.
5. Best friends have a lot of the answers.
6. Communication FTW. Tested and confirmed tonight.
7. WHO CARES?!

No Worries

"You shouldn't worry about everything so much," I was told. It's true; I shouldn't. But I suppose that's still who I am. I'm still going to tell myself good things only last for a little while. I'm still going to do everything in my power to keep myself distracted.

My mother always said I needed to find someone that would keep me "in check," so to speak. Not like Rob who would do anything I said, ever. Not like Chris who just trusted me to make good choices -- though I have to admit that was the least stressful aspect of that relationship. The one person I'm pretty sure I could never date, though, is me. So if I should happen to find someone who is like me, and is so painfully honest that they actually say all of the fucked-up things that go through my head, I don't think they'd ever have my trust.

People can change, I've heard. And in my own defense I have changed drastically over the past few years. However, I have not been able to change this one specific aspect of my being. I'd like to think next time around will be different. I sincerely hope it is. But first, there has to be a next time, and second, I have to want to change it. So I've got the second part down, but no matter how much I want it, sometimes its a defensive thing. I'm not saying that makes it right, I'm just saying it makes it more difficult for me to want.

Know what's a good idea? I'm not going to worry about it. I'm going to go do ten hours worth of homework. ...okay, fine. Six hours worth of homework, two hours worth of fucking around on the internets/chatting, and two hours of warcraft. At least that's closer to accurate. Maybe I'll have some lunch, too.

Oh, and also? The new Guy Ritchie move = awesome.

bad day

I don't often have these super-shitty days, but unfortunately today was one of them. Now I'm sitting here wondering who to turn to to alleviate some of the anxiety. Two people immediately come to mind, but it is neither of their jobs to cheer me up. Also, one's in bed and the other would only half pay attention. Have I mentioned yet in this lifetime how much I despise the 30-second lapse between the last thing I said and the generic response conjured as a result of the ability of short-term memory to hold onto the last few words uttered? 'Cause 'loathe' is the word that comes to mind to describe that hatred. I'd sooner never talk on the phone than have to deal with that on any kind of repeated basis.

Anyway, I'm trying not to sit here and make a list of things that suck atm, because it annoys me when other people do it -- it's a pity-me compilation and complete negativity. I may be negative right now, but I refuse to let everything get me down.

I don't think I believe in "nets" anymore, though. I mean, I guess I do. It's kind of like what Mike does when he makes you agree to the friendship contract (or was that just me?). So, considering the contract, I guess Mike is my net. And if I called him right now and asked him not to make me feel worse by telling me how hard I'm being on myself, he'd listen, and regardless of what he'd actually want to say, he'd give me whatever I need.

And Joana would listen too. But I feel too horrible not being able to tell her if I can see her this weekend. My priorities are fucked up, and I don't know how to catch myself up and get them in the right order all in the same weekend. I just feel very weak. I'd like to say that someone to lean on would help, but I've come to learn that's not the way it works. That's how I get an expectation that can't be fulfilled. The only one who can save me right now is me. And unfortunately, I'm about to go outside and speed up my death.

"Confidence."

Forgive me if I stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
'Cause I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a waterbed
Do I seem familiar?
I've crossed you in hallways a thousand times.
No more camouflage; I want to be exposed and not be afraid to fall

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
Cannonball into the water
I'm gonna muster up every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will.
You only want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will.

-excerpt, Teddy Geiger, "Confidence"

country music is bad for the soul.

I threw Launchcast on "Soft Country" and caught Taylor Swift's "White Horse." I'm just sitting here busting ass to completely conquer ANOVAs, when the following catches my attention:

(excerpt)
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause
I honestly believed in you
Holdin' on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should have known, I should have known

That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

Maybe I was naïve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
My mistake, I didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand.
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings;
Now I know


Jeezy Creezy country music is depressing.

Mistakes or attraction?

Why do I always seem to like the WoW-loving anger management issue people? Am I afraid to branch out or am I seriously attracted to that?!?!?!

Just a thought.

(Un)Comfortably Dependent

My "Gone" post made me incredibly uncomfortable. I know this is going to come out all crypic and whatnot, but what makes that little switch go from "could totally give a fuck" to "omg pay attention to meeeeeee!"? No, seriously. I tried to blame PMS, but I'm not entirely sure I even can. What's the difference between yesterday and today? NOTHING. Oh wait- yes, there was a small break where I wasn't the center of the fucking universe. Oh. My. God. Linda. Get the hell over yourself.

Funny, Chris said that lotsa times, I was just too ignorant to even care. Ah, well. Who's the wiser? Me. 'Cause I'm paying fucking attention now.

Joana is right (which is evident because she gets her best advice from me-heh), and I'm glad she made me open my mouth. I will not be needy and annoying ever again. You hear that, universe? EVAR! So bug off.

Ironically, I was told to "be myself" tonight. I still can't get past the fact that I found "myself" (again?) so goddamn recently. But hell, if I'm better for it, then fuck man, I'm better.

Gone.

Excerpt.


Gone people
All careless and consumed
Gone
Gone going
Gone everything
Gone give a damn
Gone be the birds if they don’t want to sing
Gone people
All awkward with their things
Gone.


better sooner rather than later.

random.

Feelings on life ATM...

Busy. oh god, yes, busy. Buddhism. Mahayana Buddhism. A paper on Mahayana Buddhism. About emptiness. Everything is empty, including emptiness. Has this brought me down? Can it? It's supposed to be enlightening. We are part of interdependent processes. Just when I thought I was okay at independence.

History. War history. Immigration history. Whaling history. This should be interesting right? Why is this my minor? It's just boring. I don't want it to be boring.

Ryan. Drunk Ryan. Drunk Ryan text messages compounding a Sam and Tim infested day.

I don't mind Sam, but I should. For all the right reasons. Shady. But smart. Funny. Open. Real. Pretty eyes. (Should LARPer sway me?)

Tim...pretty blue eyes. Creepy, though? I still can't tell, but I can tell I don't want to date him. Is that fair? Am I being unfair? Does that matter?
...promised some tea. Won't buy me dinner, just tea. But bought roses. Trade-off? Again, does it matter?

Work. Lake Success...MY office. Sharing my office with a new person. Meryl. I don't know her, but I don't trust her. I will no longer go into things as I left them, but things as she left them. I am not pleased by this, but it is necessary.

Flash drive fail. Videos gone. School notes gone. But I'm not upset. Because there is nothing I can do about it. It is what it is, and it is unfortunate.

Birthday present: desktop microphone. Almost secret-admirey, but Mike confessed that shipping people suck and there should have been a note. For guitar playing/singing...but I think I need to hold the button down on the mic. Problem?

Birthday. Fleetwood Mac with someone I used to be close with. Alcohol necessary. Saturday, hiking with strangers? Former co-worker's daughter's local dance competition? Work? Dinner with mom? dad? Rich? Other Rich? See Cousin Scott? Call Aunt Eileen, who keeps bugging me to. Tim in Boston. Necessary break. When do I get to level Aeveron and watch movies? Should it be about me? If it's about me, I'm going hiking. I want the first thing I do at 27 to be meeting up with a group of strangers (meetup.com thing) and saying, "hey. I want to hike. Let's do this." Then going home, cleaning myself up and hitting up the Watchmen by myself. I want to do both of those things...things I wouldn't before. How's that lyric go? "the old me is dead and gone but the new me will be alright." Yeah.

Guitar playing/singing. Tom & I had a single jam session (#2 tomorrow?). I wish I knew more. I wish I had more time to practice/learn more. But I wish to do well in school more than that.

Tattoo. Birthday present to me? Why can't I muster the balls for it? Maybe Dawn will force me on Sunday. Or maybe I'll convince her to have lunch with me instead.

Chris. Still there. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.